Calling all elders and former elders (need advice)

by nonamegiven 31 Replies latest jw experiences

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  nonamegiven

  Wow, I'm asking Elders for advice, how strange. Anyway if you want to know my history and where I am look at my first 1/2 dozen or so posts, it'll bring you up to speed.

  Here's where I need advice. My plan is to be reinstated within the next year or less but after that I just want to fade away. It won't be as simple as being reinstated then just fading since my wife and kids will be going and my wife is very devout. I know they will be calling on me to encourage me. I don't want to tell them I don't believe 90+% of what I've learned in the last 30 some-odd years because then I'll be an apostate and will loose contact with my family again, that's what I am trying very hard to preserve. Anyway, my question is this: how do I fade away? Do I claim depression (I do have depression and they know that), do I tell them I don't agree with DF'ing and it has stumbled me and maybe I'll return later (yeah right) or do I fake an alian abduction and tell them I have an anal probe that will explode if I go into a place of worship that doesn't have any windows?
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  AlmostAtheist

  Definitely go with depression. Don't reveal any doubts at all or you'll just be chumming the waters. Remember, the explanation doesn't have to make sense, or be reasonable at all. There doesn't even have to BE an explanation, but if you say you're depressed it has the advantages of being true, something they hear alot, and something they aren't going to want to touch.

  "Haven't seen you at the meetings lately. Is anything wrong?"

  "I'm just depressed."

  "You aren't too depressed to go to work, or sports events, or shopping. Why too depressed to go to meetings?"

  "I'm just depressed."

  "Do you feel that the Faithful and Discreet Slave is leading Jehovah's organization today?" (Yes, they'll ask stuff like this right outta the blue)

  "Yes, of course. I'm just depressed." (Is it wrong to lie to brain-washed representatives of a Book Club? I'll leave that one to the philosophers...)

  (Repeat until they leave)

  Good luck!

  Dave of the "never been an elder" class
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  OnTheWayOut

  Totally go with depression. To get reinstated will be tough on you, but I understand why you want to do that. Agree with whatever they told you to work on with your relationship with Jehovah, your wife, the organization, whatever. Lie your ass off to get reinstated. Don't wait months to ask for reinstatement. If 1 month has even passed since your DF, submit a letter for reinstatement. Say something along the lines of "This isolation has taught me that I need the love of God's people in my life. It is clear that Jehovah is using this organization to guide his people. With constant prayer and Bible study, I will do my best to remain faithful to Jehovah, and I will consult with the elders in times of weakness." Attend ALL OF THE MEETINGS. Submit a reinstatement letter over-and-over again about every 2 weeks until they do it.

  I dare to say this now, but it is up to you- start your fade as soon as you want to after reinstatement. You can immediately start to miss meetings, fail to go out distributing literature, whatever you want. Once reinstated, you will have no commenting privileges. You can say that contributes to your depression. You don't feel right preaching outside the KH when you cannot proclaim the truth during the WT study or Book study. You have a history of depression, use it as posted above, do the "I am just depressed" dance- say no more.
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  OnTheWayOut

  You could try to wait until you get commenting privileges back before starting your fade, but I think they will keep you under the microscope for a long time, insisting that you make ALL MEETINGS and get out in weekly field service. You may not be able to handle that. But who needs privileges in the congregation during a fade? They cannot re-DF you for failure to live up to your efforts to remain spiritually strong, as long as there are not new charges against you.

  I did not use depression to start my fade. I submitted a letter of resignation as an elder, stating I had "doubts" about the Governing Body and some of their teachings. Now, I am further stumbled by the CO and the elders who did such a poor job of helping a strayed sheep such as I am. While I am fairly successful in this route, a depression (especially a documented one with doctors and medicine) might have been much easier to accomplish. I, myself, am so bull-headed that I may be better off as a doubter who was stumbled. This way, I can say things to make the elders keep a safe distance from me. But a depression allows you to have a continual excuse. "No, I cannot meet with you today, I have to get home and take my medicine." "No, I have a headache. The doctors told me what could happen if I don't avoid all stress when I feel like this." "No, I cannot get out in the ministry. If I can't comment at the meetings, I feel too low about myself to try to help others." You can go far with these excuses.
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  Pahpa

  Just a note of caution:

  It is harder to be reinstated these days. The elders are aware that some are just trying to get back to have family association. So, they require regular meeting attendance for a length of time as an indication that one is really "sincere." It is difficult to sit through meetings when one does not believe any longer. Also, one is still treated as a disfellowshipped person by others in the congregation. One has to ask oneself if this is worth the effort.

  I know one former member who tried this strategy. When he heard of the restrictions and terms, he decided that it wasn't worth it. He's still with his wife and family. But it is a strained relationship.
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  XBEHERE

  All good tactics listed above... I vote to go with depression since its true as an elder I never wanted to deal with that since we aren't trained professionally to give advice to depressed individuals. A depressed person will get sympathy from the elder body instead of disdain.

  As for how long it will take to get reinstated it really depends on that particular committee and honestly how they feel about you. Were you a difficult person, did you ever "challenge" them or dispute with them since they will call all of this into account even though it has little to do with your case.
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  IP_SEC

  Depression yes.

  Sounds like a lot of work to me though when you could just take your lumps on the fam thing now, count it as a learning experience, get on with life, and not have to bother with the jws again.

  Matt "lazy sob class"
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  NewYork44M

  claim of depression + move to new congregation + time = freedom
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  Lapuce

  I did the depression fade and it works so far as I've been doing it for about a year, it works well, I get them so down with my medical and how everything in life is depressing that they leave me alone, I got their visit only once and I get along with my life. Its a great way to fade and it won't get you DF'd.
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  Wasanelder Once

  Focus first on reinstatement. Contrary to what many have said, I suggest that you do not tell them that the isolation has taught you anything. That basically says to the elders, I'm coming back because I hate a spanking. The KEY is to make plain to them that you have a growing relationship with Jehovah. Whatever he wills is acceptable to you. Tell them that you feel that Jehovah is hearing your prayers for forgiveness, (They really want to hear that. It shows that you are praying, remember Jehovah listens to the prayer of the repentent, and you have faith in Jehovah.)

  Tell them that in reading the Watchtower and the Bible you feel as if you are really being directed to answers that fit your circumstance. Give an example of how this is so, be specific. I don't know what you were DF'd for, but, whatever it is, make sure you make restitution so those involved can report it to the elders if that is needed. Go to the meetings and DONT sit in the back. Never sit in the back. Sit towards the front where you can be seen. Don't march in proud and do so, come a little before the prayer and take a seat right among those in the middle or towards the front. You have a wife and kids, right? Send them in a few minutes before you and tell her to sit in the middle of the hall and to make sure you have an isle seat so you can make your escape after the meeting. Once you establish a pattern it will become your seat, I promise and you will have ease in attending the meeting and having a seat of your choice. (If the brothers come and tell you to sit in the back it gives you an opportunity to comply and that shows the submission these morons love)

  Because the witnesses want you to come back they will opt to avoid your seat so you are not discouraged. It's hilarious how you can control their actions by establishing a routine.

  Make sure you highlight the hell out of your magazine so everyone around you can see your spirituality (gag) is growing. You will see that in short order some of the friends will be giving you the wink and a pat on the shoulder when no one sees it. That is of course if you haven't defrauded the whole congregation on some investment scheme or slept with some bother's wife! LOL.

  Take it a step at a time. Make sure you miss NO meetings. They love it when you come sick, so be sick once in a while, at least appear so, and go anyway... wiping you nose and coughing into a handkerchief. The key is to function like one of the zealous dumbass witnoids, then they think you're on the mend. I gaurantee that it wont be too long before you are reinstated. The bad part is having to go to the meetings and play holy joe. I'm sure your family is worth it. I wish you success.

  I say this from experience.. these are the things we looked for in our congregation when people were on the road back. I hated the whole game.

  all the best.

  W.Once

  editied to add a sentence that was missing