Using your anger to make positive changes in your life

I was so mad I just exploded in rage. How many times have you heard someone say, "That wasn't very mature of you," after you have lost your temper. A lot of people think that getting angry is a sign of loss of control, weakness. And sometimes it is. But that doesn’t mean that expressing anger is not healthy. How we express our anger can be helpful or harmful to us and others.

Most people try to be good natured. Few people believe that acting out their unbridled anger is a good thing. It is natural for people to get angry.

Finding healthy ways to express our anger can be difficult. But the truth is that we cannot deal with our anger without experiencing it and expressing it first. And we cannot deal with our anger until we acknowledge that it is there and have valid reasons for it.

The book, A Course in Miracles, states that "all anger is an attempt to make someone feel guilty" really hits home with some people. However, some people think that the teachings about anger in the Course mean that anger is "bad." Some people believe that the best way to deal with anger is to put it out of your mind and just "think good thoughts." But that is not dealing with anger, because it stays somewhere deep inside of you until you do deal with it.

Anger is, in fact, a heathy reaction to some situations. One person told me that anger is a blanket that covers our pain. It prevents us from feeling how much we have been hurt.

Anger is a valuable emotional response - as valuable as happiness or grief. It may not be pleasant, but it is essential. How often has anger moved you to make needed changes in your life or helped you to confront someone or something?

Anger may seem bad, but it can be an opening to peace and calm. When the body gets injured it feels pain. The pain is a warning that part of the body needs attention. In the same way, anger can draw attention to problems that need attention. If you don't find a healthy way to express the anger, it can turn inward, making you physically sick or cause you to lash out and do something you might regret later.

We live in a society that does not understand anger, and certainly does not know how to process it. Think about that for a moment. Do we teach our children how to express their anger in a healthy way? Or do we teach them to stuff their anger rather to experience it find ways to use it to help them change things?

We know that one of the best ways to relate to one another is through our feelings. We tend to find sadness a more acceptable feeling than anger. People in sorrow may not be able to explain themselves, but when someone is sad and crying, we know how they feel even if we don't know what it is about. We empathize and meet on that common ground of feeling. When I was a child, I learned that showing my emotions was bad especially my anger. Anger can be frightening. Letting someone express their anger can be very scary.

Responsible ways to express anger

Were you ever taught how to express your anger or when it might be appropriate and how? Taking responsibility for your anger allows you to control it instead of it controlling you. Taking responsibility for your anger begins with honesty with yourself. That means taking a moment to think, "I'm angry about..." The responsible expression of anger is healthy. Everyone has issues that can be triggered and there will always be people to trigger us. In fact, some people who, "make us angry" can provide us with opportunities to heal old issues. If you never find healthy ways to get angry, you might not get to the next step in healing recurring issues and removing blocks to your happiness.

The secret to constructive anger lies in the ability to respond rather than react to anger-producing circumstances. Here are some tips for dealing responsibly with anger:

1. Acknowledge that something has happened that makes you angry. There is no shame in anger.

2. Take responsibility for it! You don't need to lash out on another person. He or she may have be the trigger, but is not the source of your anger.

3. Express it! Remember you have a right to be angry, so get it out. The more you do, the less it builds into rage. Let it out. You may want to write about it first to help you identify exactly what you are angry about.

4. Make a statement about your anger. Feelings of hurt, frustration, or fear may be underneath the anger. If you let it out, you'll get to its roots.

4. Trust your feelings! The anger is there for a reason. If it overwhelms you, then ask for help. You could ask God to come into the situation to lead me through it to peace. Or ask a friend to listen while you talk about why you are angry and ask for feedback.

5. Respect it! Anger is a powerful emotion that deserves your respect and attention. Some people do not make changes in their lives because they ignore their anger and what it is trying to tell them. When it comes to society, anger can motivate people to protest an injustice and bring about change. Anger is passionate and usually carries important messages. Listening to it is wise.

6. Profit from it! There is a lot to be gained from paying attention to your angry feelings. You can actually learn to appreciate your anger. After you have expressed your anger clearly and honestly examine how you did and what you felt. Learn what your anger triggers are and that you are capable of dealing with anger constructively. Experience it first -- analyze and profit from it later!

Anger is rooted in fear, revenge, pride -- all of these things. Anger is the blanket that hides what lies beneath. When you accept your anger rather than repressing it, you take back the power you lost when you suppressed that anger. When you deal responsibly with your anger you learn to control it, instead of it controlling you. You can now use this power to resolve long-standing issues and to promote your own healing.

Because we live in a society that does not deal well withit, our anger may be our most misunderstood emotion. But it can actually be the key to greater self understanding. When handled responsibly, anger can actually be a friend. Conversely, when repressed or uncontrolled, anger can be damaging and destructive. So whenever you are angry, think of the experience as a good friend encouraging you to look at a deep truth.

Thank you Katie You make some really valid point Thank you for the inclusions

Gumby this is exactly the kind of anger we need to recognize and deal with. It isn't fun - not for those around us and not for us either.

So many people think sarcasm is OK - just a joke. But in my mind sarcasm is just disguised anger. I think there is usually an aspect of truth but we refuse to own the anger so it comes out as sarcasm.

Owning the anger would mean we take a look at how we really feel and accept it. And then make healthy choices to deal with those feelings honestly and responsibly.

I think too for many of us if we reject others first then they can't reject us - we think it will hurt less.

I'm learning

Excellent, excellent post Lady. There is so much anger involved with the wt experience and the devastation it brings. Gumby, I relate to what you said. I think you are going to be ok.Hang in there and get the book. Thanks for the book title, kgfreeperson...it sounds like a must read for me. I have turned my anger at the wt into anger at God for letting it all happen in the first place and for allowing my family to bee still stuck in the cult. I see now that I was really angry at the wt but still a part of me was afraid to admit that completley because I still had some lingering doubts and trigger word issues. etc. Now I feel strong enough to be confident in my instincts that they are wrong and it has given me myself back again. I have no more fear of them. They really wreaked havoc in my life, even after I became a Christian, I still had questions and they went unanswered and that made me angry even more becaue it would send me back into that "what if they are right?" mode. It has taken years for me to begin to heal inside and replace their false teachings with true ones. Not an easy task by a long shot! I had to clear my head of all wt teachings and start from scratch, which was very hard. Once I could see that I was not wrong and they really had done a number on my head and dealt with that anger, only then could  I se me again. I do not deal with anger gracefully...lol. It is major pain underneath and I let it well up until it explodes at the slightest thing. I have learned some new coping tools but I am in need of more. So, thanks again. Sorry for the long post. I feel like I am on the right road for the first time in my life. I am angry and it is ok. I believe that if my dying father and mom and siblings were able to get out..my anger would be gone. I just learned to pray for them without being afraid that they might be right after all. Sheeeeesh. what a head trip. love, dj

hi lady lee,

i enjoy all of your posts and almost always learn something.  -- i also think it is funny that so often your posts are just before or just after mine.  this post on anger was great -- it is something on which i am still working, as it often takes a while for me to realize it is even there.  dealing with it is always challenging, but i do think i have gotten better.  thanks for your great contributions.

gumby -- i think of you so often, almost every time i come on this forum.  i will tell you that many times i do not reply to your posts because you so often raise questions that i didn't even know existed!  i don't ever want to answer in a knee-jerk fashion as i don't think that would accomplish anything.  i want to know what i am talking about.  i had never even heard of the "jesus seminar" until i came here in march.  so i just want to acknowledge the issues you have raised.  i think if my new found faith in Christ were to be destroyed i would be crushed and furious also.  so i too am doing a lot of studying and reading -- am now in the middle of "the case for Christ" by lee strobel.  have you read it?  what was it that you found so convincing in your search?  are you so very sure of your conclusions??  i often think you are really on a quest to reclaim your faith.

best wishes to all, nowisee

Gumby,

I do want to point you to nowisee's response and questions because I'm afraid that you may miss them. My dear friend, nowisee....never capitalizes....lol....and it is easy for me to miss, anyway but I always read everthing she writes. HI NOWISEE!!

I can relate to you because I have doubted too and I have also been very very angry at God. You are assuming that you know my life, my friend..but you don't. I have been through more than you can imagine. I could see that my faith was being stolen from me but I held onto one thread and it grew. I'm sorry if  it bothers you that I still see that little glimmer in you, but I do. If I am right, hang tough because it is not a pleasant ride as you well know by now. It is not too late for you, you have not been snatched..just temporarily kidnapped. I sometimes feel that you have given up on yourself and considered yourself not good enough or something. That is wrong and you know it or atleast there is a little part of you that wants to know that. Hang onto that!!! It is yours to keep and it will grow, my friend. "Many are called" in Matthew means that many will hear the gospel message and ignore it or twist it even.....that is not you, you have been chosen.Don't let it get to you anymore.You feel like you are in a pit, I know (been there too). (((((((gumby)))))) Hang in there and stand tall! You will not fall further and you can climb up and you know who will help you. Just endure. I will keep you in prayer if you would like me to? I don't want to upset you. I care for you. love, dj

When I see an injustice, I get angry. That kind of anger can be energizing, and move me to act before the opportunity is lost. That way, blunderers learn to step more carefully.

This happened to me recently. I was working late when the cleaning lady came by. She told me how wonderful I must be to work late so many nights (yeah, right). She was ingratiating to the point of annoyance, but I gave her the benefit of the doubt. Until she picked up my photo album and saw a wedding picture of my daughter and son-in-law. She pointed at him. "Those People", she said, "Back in my country, they cause a lot of trouble. There is too many of them, back in my country." I saw red. With, I think, commendable restraint, I turned my back and refused to talk to her any more. Maybe a little passive, but I figured it was good enough for the moment.

jgnat

I really believe it is wiser to walk away sometimes than create a bigger problem by confronting someone who just won't "get it"

We need to choose our battles

Lee, I wanted to thank you for this post.  I saw it on my way out and wanted you to know that the part about psychic death really hit home for me.

I was not incested, but I was physically and emotionally abused as a small child.  When I was in my early 20s and was seeing a therapist for the first time, I was supposed to do all that Bradshaw "inner child' work, but I couldn't.  The reason? When I did the exercises I kept getting the same answer back from my psyche: that child is dead.

My therapist actually had to take a moment to compose herself after hearing that the first time.

There has been no way for me to resurrect that child, either. Hundreds of hours of therapy, medications, a new and better life, nothing has done it. I look at pictures from my childhood and it's like looking at a child I've never seen before.  She smiles but her eyes are vacant.

I look at pictures of myself at the age my daughter is now, and compare them and it's amazing. My daughter has a spark in her eyes, she looks alive. I look...empty.

I actually changed my name because of this. I could not associate my given name with anything besides being screamed at and hit upside the head so hard I saw stars. That name was only yelled, or said with contempt. The family dog's name was spoken with more love in our house than mine was. I was 'it' in my family, the other kids didn't get what I got.

I don't know if I'll ever get that little person back.  I'm just glad that my own child has a better life than I did.

I have bookmarked your website and plan to read, and reread it quite often.

Thank you for all your hard work...

hugs

essie

 

Lady,

This is a wonder post, and one I will print and reread in depth.  I was the 4th child in a dysfunctional household, and I was the "pleaser".  I did almost anything I could to smooth things over, regardless of whether the issue was my fault or even involved me.  I am sometimes still this way, usually only within my marriage, but it's a dangerous place to be.  The problem with my way of doing things is, even though on the surface the situation is better, internally I am enraged.  I hide it behind laughter, and as you pointed out, sarcasm (but only the "funny" kind) but it is there.  I am in need of constructive ways to express my feelings, and also to allow myself the right to feel those less than positive emotions.

So, thank you for this, and all your posts.  You are so often the voice of sanity and reason when things get heated.

 

Happyout