I don't often open up discussions on my beliefs or experiences in life, but I feel a need, so please excuse me if you feel it untoward. Neither is this a poxy swan-song, I'm just opening up my heart a little.
Today I had cause to reflect on a conversation I had with my [now ex-]wife shortly after my epithany. Everything was so new and unknown. All I was certain of was that something had changed in my life and I now had an overwhelming sense of loving and being loved by a Christ that I had only known peripherally through what I'd read in WTS literature.
After telling her what had happened she asked a classic JW question "does that mean you want to go to heaven, then?" and I have to admit to being completely floored by it. I just simply hadn't expected it and everything was too fresh to have thought out any such thing.
It took me two days before I could process it and come back with an answer, which was along the lines of "simply put, I love Christ. I REALLY love him. In fact I love him so much that I'd rather be in hell with him than in heaven without him! It's got nothing to do with me wanting to be in a certain place, but it's got everything to do with being with a certain person. But since he's in heaven, yes, I want to be in heaven". It was her turn to be floored. I was pretty floored again myself, because I certainly didn't believe in hell but really wanted to convey my depth of feeling on the subject.
Right from the beginning I found the whole experience incredibly humbling. I still feel that way. I feel in no position to judge anyone, as may be seen in quite a number of my posts here. You can believe it's genuine. There are so many people here that I feel are far far better than I. Brighter, smarter, passionate, more loving, more caring, all the things that I hold in high esteem. That, among other reasons, is perhaps why I've never felt worthy of "going to heaven", or even of receiving the love of Christ and other friends. I don't mean that in any kind of depressive way - if you've ever met me you'll know that my zest for life in unquenchable. It just seems that love is rarely truly deserved, it just seems to be given and sometimes reciprocated - what a wonderfully inefficient and gracious transaction!
That having been said, I know that love tangibly, with varying intensity. In the words of Job "I know my redeemer liveth". But even if at the close of this life it turns out I was completely deluded (for I must permit the possibility that I have completely taken leave of my senses and now actually sit in a sanitorium, jailed in my own mind), it's been a good life, a wonderful life, and I have had the pleasure of meeting some wonderful people!
Regardless of where we think we may or may not end up, to me it's all about love, light, and life, and these things burn brightly in the hearts of most all I meet.
Just 2p from a meandering mind.
My love to you all.
Every blessing!
