Posts by morrisamb

3

Interviewer shows sensitivity JW/Abuse story

by morrisamb in

this reviewer/interviewer just interviewed me about my book, father's touch.

i think her questions show just how much media/public awareness has improved as regards the issue of sexual abuse and religion

denise clark, denises pieces book reviews, http://www.denisemclark.com

morrisamb

Thanks dungbeetle.

Edited by - morrisamb on 14 June 2002 3:22:27

3

Interviewer shows sensitivity JW/Abuse story

by morrisamb in

this reviewer/interviewer just interviewed me about my book, father's touch.

i think her questions show just how much media/public awareness has improved as regards the issue of sexual abuse and religion

denise clark, denises pieces book reviews, http://www.denisemclark.com

This reviewer/interviewer just interviewed me about my book, Father's Touch. I think her questions show just how much media/public awareness has improved as regards the issue of sexual abuse and religion

Denise Clark, Denises Pieces Book Reviews, http://www.denisemclark.com

1) While Fathers Touch is a somber, heart-wrenching story of a young mans personal torment, you, through your writing, bring a sense of having come to terms with your past. At what point in your life did you come to the realization that you had to tell your story. What compelled you to take your journal and create a book?

When I was at the vortex of the storm, I literally stepped out of the situation and said, Theres got to be a reason why I am going through this! Two decades ago, I first considered writing a book. But it wasnt the right time. I didnt have the maturity and objectivity I have now. There was never a question whether I would write a book. It was just a matter of when.

2) Your style of switching the point of view from present tense to past tense gives the story a unique sense of stability. What encouraged you to develop it in that manner?

The fact that I disassociated from my painful experiences in the form of Other Donald means that having more than once voice comes naturally to me. The hardest part of writing my book was settling on just the right structure. Once that was decided, I thought it was very important that there be three voices: Other Donald that experienced the abuse, Thinking Donald that functioned intellectually and Now Donald, the narrators voice that brings perspective and analysis to the story.

3) Did you have difficulty finding a publisher? Was the book rejected at all or were you fortunate to find a publisher early?

I am one of the lucky ones: I sent very few queries out. I felt American Book Publishing and Fathers Touch were a perfect fit. They agreed.

4) Your story went into a great amount of detail regarding the failure of others to help you and your family at the time. Church members and those in law enforcement seemed hesitant to investigate and take action against the abuser. Today, the public is much more informed and fairly quick to take action. Still, there is always a waiting game. What kind of advice would you give to someone now, who like you, is forced to wait for the justice he or she so desperately seeks?

Victims should educate themselves. Hopefully my story will help do that. Dont be afraid to fortify yourself with good therapy. Avoid people who dont validate your feelings. I believe the fact that I survived does not detract from the tragedy of my familys situation. Church Elders and the Justice System completely let us down. Yes, the Elders excommunicated my abuser. But sending us home with him only isolated us further. His shame became our shame. What should have been labeled a crime was instead called a sin. And as far as looking for justice? Justice is a relative term. The travesty of our trial will prove to be a real eye-opener for victims, lawyers, and judges alike. I believe that my books release will be the first time my family has seen justice. Finally the true story is told and my siblings, Mothers and my own experiences will be validated.

5) What is the most difficult hurdle you faced in writing this book?

The answer is very clear to me: finding the right structure. That alone required more than a year of rewrites. In terms of content, it was most painful to write about my sisters abuse, the early years of my mothers hellish marriage and the trial. I still have not expressed rage over my own experience. But I experience anger at the drop of coin for what my siblings and mother have experienced. Their experience is more real to me than my own. They are constant reminders of our past. My abuser's successful manipulation of his immediate family and members of new faith also angers me. I am also angered by my fellowman's ignorance of the emotional devastation that sexual abuse victims experience. People do not seem to understand that their having tea and biscuits with my abuser might be a tad insensitive to his victims.

6): Could it be said your mother provided the relief, if not the buffer, between you and a father who obviously had no sense of fatherhood? Was it her religious faith, or just her inherent nature to be a basically courageous and decent person trapped into making the best of it for herself and her children?

Mother was a loving, caring, person whose faith enhanced the qualities that she inherently possessed. But her lack of education and comprehension of her childrens' experience with abuse and her reliance on her faith above all else also innocently contributed to our whole family's dissociation from our experience. She did the best she could.

7) Related question: the background you diagram for her includes a strong religious devotion and an old world sense of expectations. Given she married a man whose values too were largely shaped by these preconditions, do you think your home, aside from the abuse, was typical of the culture where the man was king and the mother and spouse was referred to as, Wife?

I believe the patriarchal structure of the family home provided a safe haven for our abusive father to maintain master of his domain for a longer period of time without fear of disclosure.

8) Youve written that television became a significant source of inspiration and a window to this world outside the tightly restrictive confines of family and heavy church influence. Do you recall envying characters, situations, peers as portrayed on, for example, Leave it to Beaver or Father Knows Best?

Oddly enough, I never watched those two shows until years after we had left our father. I escaped in sitcoms where the female was the dominant force in the family or situation comedy. ie. Bewitched, I Dream Of Jeannie, I Love Lucy, The Doris Day Show. I avoided shows that had any resemblance to our family dynamics.

9: You didnt become a vicious, resentful adult bent on extracting vengeance from a new community of victims. Some whove suffered such prolonged victimhood do. Why did you not, given what the judge in the trial called a hellish background?

My siblings and I all concur that we learned basic goodness from our Mother. It is because at least one human being showed us unconditional love that, although scarred, we were not destroyed by our Father's abuse. He robbed our spirit for a period of time but he could not kill our will to live.

10. Youve written: When you make mistakes, people rewrite your history. You describe a most telling instance of such when a couple from your congregation suggests you and family change your names as DHaene struck them as tainted. This is rich: your father is slapped on the hand by the church, but you and your family must make fundamental changes.

The path of the victim is perpetual revictimization. The path of a molester is a rollercoaster of destruction. I hope my book will educate people and make them aware of that harsh reality. Educating the public is our only hope to change this fundamental truth.

11: Do victims abused within the church any stripe, brand, or flavor tend to be sacrificed in the interest of preserving the reputation and internal wisdom of the body? It seemed so telling when the Aylmer congregation wanted an acknowledgement that it hadnt done that badly for you and the family. At the time, it likely seemed agreeing with their perceptions was expedient. Do you ever wish you hadnt been so accommodating?

On the contrary, I wish I had been more accommodating. My mother, siblings and I experienced so much unnecessary pain and sorrow because we thought we could change the system from within. How much better it would have been to just pack our bags and move elsewhere. That is not weakness. It was a different world a generation ago. We were fighting an insurmountable battle. The point is not looking for justice as much as realizing it isn't always possible.

12: After that travesty of the trial, when your father dodged prison for several counts including sodomy and bestiality, did you ever wish you would have jumped to your feet and halted the proceedings? Mike Lew, author of Victims No Longer and Leaping Upon the Mountains, summarizes your experience with the church, authorities, and the court as traversing ignorance, outright resistance, and re-victimization. What advice could you now offer for those seeking to bring their abuser to justice?

After hearing countless other victims' tales, witnessing several other court cases, and many survivors' disappointing experiences with people of faith, I really don't think things have changed enough in the two decades since our trial. Molesters still get a slap on the wrist, victims still receive stigma and shame, and religion still provides a haven for a molesters reign of terror. I would recommend victims receive extensive therapy before even considering charging their perpetrator. And unless, the victim has a strong and loving peer support system in place the process can be another experience with abuse. I have to ask, is it worth it? In my case, yes. I went from a weak wall-flower to a extraverted, charismatic dominant force to be reckoned with. I discovered I had a strength that everyone surrounding me not only took for granted, but discounted and discouraged. Each case must be considered individually based on the needs of each victim.

12: Wilf Graham, your counselor, after you had graduated from high school, observes: This family was done a grave injustice through blindness and ignorance. They were treated badly by a system that was meant to protect them. He cites the metaphor you so effectively borrowed from a rearview mirror: "Objects are closer than they appear" describing your father as the ghost skulking about and closer than you may want to acknowledge. Has time and your remarkable positive outlook exorcised this demon?

Unfortunately time is not the great healer people hail it to be. Instead of focusing on exorcising "the demon", my father, I found it is healthier to replace him with loving people who positively reinforce my self-worth, who never discount my experience, who allow me to be imperfect, angry, forgiving -- whatever and whoever I am. The demon is a constant reminder of my resilience and will to live. It's important to know where you've come from to appreciate where you are and where you want to be.

(On a lighter note

Other than writing, what do you do now for a living? I have my own cleaning service. So I call myself, a starving artist who isnt starving!

If you could meet anyone, past or present, and invite them to your home for dinner, who would it be and why? Pierre Elliot Trudeau, Mahatma Ghandi, Martin Luther King and Nelson Mendella. Not because I consider them perfect. Rather each was/is individual, human, intelligent, self-sacrificing and unforgettable. Their message: change the world through love, peaceful demonstrations and good works.

What is your favorite: Book, Movie & Animal : Angelas Ashes By Frank McCourt; All About Eve, Giraffe

Are you planning on doing any book promotions or speaking engagements in the US? And if so, where and when? My publicist and I will be working together to that end. I will post any such developments on my web site: www.fatherstouch.com

Where do we obtain your book? www.pdbookstore.com (Questions: Publisher Direct Discount Bookstore, Melanie Brandt 801 463-3890, [email protected])

Edited by - morrisamb on 14 June 2002 3:11:3

Edited by - morrisamb on 14 June 2002 3:20:54

17

Book on JW/Sexual Abuse can now be ordered

by morrisamb in

my publisher is now taking orders for father's touch (340 pages), my memoir of surviving sexual, psychological and religious abuse.

here is the book store link: http://www.pdbookstore.com (then look for healing/recovery link on the left list of topics).

dey tell us what were supposed to do wit de help from de bible.

morrisamb

Thanks Hawkaw for preventing this thread from being hijacked.

Now back to the subject at hand...

Just got this email message from my Amercian publisher!

Donald, I want to support you in every way that I can, so I have changed the Canadian shipping price now to just $ 5.00 and posted your book, Father's Touch, to the main home page!

Check it out for yourself at www.pdbookstore.com

Edited by - morrisamb on 12 June 2002 16:39:18

17

Book on JW/Sexual Abuse can now be ordered

by morrisamb in

my publisher is now taking orders for father's touch (340 pages), my memoir of surviving sexual, psychological and religious abuse.

here is the book store link: http://www.pdbookstore.com (then look for healing/recovery link on the left list of topics).

dey tell us what were supposed to do wit de help from de bible.

morrisamb

So far I've had 17 positive reviews...at least they think it's good. I just had a reporter who read my book, tell me today that Father's Touch helped him obtain a better grasp of the dynamics of sexual abuse and Jehovah's Witnesses. He also said I was very honest when writing about the most difficult aspects of dealing with sexual abuse.

I definitely went to Elders' meetings and I write about that in my book

17

Book on JW/Sexual Abuse can now be ordered

by morrisamb in

my publisher is now taking orders for father's touch (340 pages), my memoir of surviving sexual, psychological and religious abuse.

here is the book store link: http://www.pdbookstore.com (then look for healing/recovery link on the left list of topics).

dey tell us what were supposed to do wit de help from de bible.

morrisamb

Hi, I just went to the site and it says, $19.80

I have read a lot of books (Angela's Ashes is one of my favourites), but I haven't read those others listed there.

Do you have any books you recommend?

17

Book on JW/Sexual Abuse can now be ordered

by morrisamb in

my publisher is now taking orders for father's touch (340 pages), my memoir of surviving sexual, psychological and religious abuse.

here is the book store link: http://www.pdbookstore.com (then look for healing/recovery link on the left list of topics).

dey tell us what were supposed to do wit de help from de bible.

morrisamb

Thank you for asking...if you hit this web url below, you'll be able to place an order for the book and it gives the discount price right with the information.

http://www.pdbookstore.com/HealingRecovery.htm

17

Book on JW/Sexual Abuse can now be ordered

by morrisamb in

my publisher is now taking orders for father's touch (340 pages), my memoir of surviving sexual, psychological and religious abuse.

here is the book store link: http://www.pdbookstore.com (then look for healing/recovery link on the left list of topics).

dey tell us what were supposed to do wit de help from de bible.

morrisamb

I have been receiving non-stop media interest in my book since last August. I have timed a lot of the requests for interviews to coincide with my book becoming available. One of the questions I often get asked is: Are there any fellow Canadians who were sexually abused while they were a Witness? Please email me at [email protected] if you are willing to discuss your story. If you want to discuss your story annonomously, that would also be beneficial and I will respect your confidences.

Thanks, Donald

17

Book on JW/Sexual Abuse can now be ordered

by morrisamb in

my publisher is now taking orders for father's touch (340 pages), my memoir of surviving sexual, psychological and religious abuse.

here is the book store link: http://www.pdbookstore.com (then look for healing/recovery link on the left list of topics).

dey tell us what were supposed to do wit de help from de bible.

morrisamb

Thank you for your kind words. My life is 100% better now. I am happy. I can love and I am loved.

I wouldn't wish on any one what happened to me and what I had to go through to get where I am, but I wouldn't be who I am, had I not!

17

Book on JW/Sexual Abuse can now be ordered

by morrisamb in

my publisher is now taking orders for father's touch (340 pages), my memoir of surviving sexual, psychological and religious abuse.

here is the book store link: http://www.pdbookstore.com (then look for healing/recovery link on the left list of topics).

dey tell us what were supposed to do wit de help from de bible.

morrisamb

Yes, I was sexually abused for eleven years. I just thought I wouldn't get too graffic on this board. Here's another short excerpt from chapter 2 that might make that clearer....

WARNING: MY BOOK IS EXPLICIT AS IS THIS EXCERPT

Get ready for the meeting, Papa commands from his upstairs bedroom. Your mother already told you once. Wife, send Donald up with my breakfast.

The rules for us do not apply to Papa.

This morning Father is still in bed, having overslept. After I bring the plate of food into his room, I notice Marina's broken doll on the floor. I try to put the dolls legs back in place.

Pick up the stick, Donald.

Obediently, I bring over one of the doll's legs.

Here, Papa!

Not that stick! Drop that on the floor and come here.

What stick?

Here, Ill show you. Suddenly, he removes his blanket and I see a big persons naked body for the first time.

See, this stick -- this stick right here, he says pointing to it.

That is a stick?

Yes, a different kind of stick. He lifts me up onto the bed. We're going to play a new game. You like games, don't you?

Our Sunday morning ritual is familiar to us: rushing through breakfast, running around the bedroom, getting Mama to put on our Sunday best clothes. Mama then fills a suitcase with the biblical literature we will study and preach with today: the latest Watchtower and Awake issues, a New World Translation of The Bible, and a few study books.

Even though it is the only time all of us are together, Papa still does not talk to us. We never stop and ask each other, Do you feel like going today? It's understood that Papa expects us to go, and we've been taught never to question him. Papa knows what God expects of us.

Take the stick and wrap your little hand around it like this. Isn't it nice and soft? Doesn't it feel warm? The stick is warm and too rubbery to be a stick. Then you push up and down, up and down until I tell you to stop.

What do you mean?

Like this. He wraps his hand around it and shows me the motions.

Okay, Okay! Let me try. I wrap my small hand around his stick.

This is fun, isn't it?

Donald, get down here already, Mama yells from the kitchen.

Okay, Mama.

Sometimes it is difficult to please both Papa and Mama at the same time.

Father's Touch

www.fatherstouch.com

Edited by - morrisamb on 10 June 2002 12:48:21

Edited by - morrisamb on 12 June 2002 9:39:5

17

Book on JW/Sexual Abuse can now be ordered

by morrisamb in

my publisher is now taking orders for father's touch (340 pages), my memoir of surviving sexual, psychological and religious abuse.

here is the book store link: http://www.pdbookstore.com (then look for healing/recovery link on the left list of topics).

dey tell us what were supposed to do wit de help from de bible.

morrisamb

My publisher is now taking orders for Father's Touch (340 pages), my memoir of surviving sexual, psychological and religious abuse.

Here is the book store link: http://www.pdbookstore.com (then look for Healing/Recovery link on the left list of topics)

I thought I'd post one last excerpt from my book... Thanks for your interest,

Donald D'Haene

Chapter Two

One of my childhoods was happy.

My first memories flicker like old home movies with sound: inside our house, a sofa with three torn cushions and one broken leg faces an aging television with rabbit ears on top. The TV is turned to an afternoon soap opera. Pages from picture books fill their wooden frames, hanging unevenly on walls of discolored paper. Everything is brown and broken but clean. Outside, the family dog is barking at black birds. My older brother, Ronny, and my baby sister, Marina, are playing in a pile of leaves nearby.

I never played my siblings games, but I didnt mind watching them or refereeing their fights.

I was never lonely.

This is his room. Bored with the rays of light, I notice a broken doll on the floor. My attention is diverted for the time being. The dolls legs are separated from her hips so I try to fit the doll together so she can walk.

Mama, always adorned with her ten-year-old, gold-colored earrings and a plain white apron, was usually in the kitchen citing biblical verses. "The Lord is my shepherd....And you will know de trut, and de trut will set you free....God is love." A Bible, apron, and earrings. These were the indelible symbols that marked Mothers simple life. Her daily routine involved cooking, cleaning, and studying scriptureeverything she did revolved around her devotion to her children and her faith in God. Although the Lord was very important in her life, Mama constantly reminded us that her children meant everything to her.

Papa, on the other hand, was a remote figure. He never interacted with us. His attention was always directed elsewhere: a book or magazine, a letter he was writing, or a visitor to be engaged in philosophical discussion. Languages and matters of faith especially intrigued himanything that challenged him intellectually. We children did not fall into those categories. Once in a while he would break from reading to chase us and rub his unshaven whiskers on our cheeks. We hated that. It hurt our skin. He did it to Mama and even she seemed to only tolerate it.

Papa worked a rotation of three different shifts at a factory, so he usually slept during the day. Mama would caution: Play quietly, cause you do not want to get your Papa angry. He needs his sleep.

When Ronny and Marina made noise, they were disciplined. I wanted to be a good boy. I didnt want to get spanked or cause any trouble. I did what Mama and Papa told me to do.

Papa kept an album of his younger days in the top drawer of his dresser. I found my fathers youth fascinating. I felt disappointed there were no pictures of mother as a young girl, but Id study the photos of my parents courtship for hours upon hours. I could see my mothers likeness in these old black and white photos, but my father seemed a completely different person. Hed become so much larger, with broad shoulders and large hands. And his hair had been blond but now it had grown dark. I wondered why had it changed?

Family life revolved around worshipping God as members of Jehovahs Witnesses, a religious sect renowned as much for its inflexible moral standards as for its proselytizing and controversial doctrines. Thrice weekly attendance was required at its house of worship, the Kingdom Hall, by every member of my family.

One of my earliest memories was of Mama explaining her faith by the use of picture books.

See dese sheep here wit de shepherd? Dere are only a few people in de whole world dat know de trut, Donald. Most of de people worship Satan but dey dont know dey do. Dey are de goats! De shepherd, Jesus, separates de sheep from de goats. Do you understand?

I think so.

Do you know how fortunate you are dat you know de true God?

Oh yes, Mama.

Now you must do what God wants you to do. He helps his people, especially de Elders at de hall, to know what he expects from dem. Dey tell us what were supposed to do wit de help from de Bible. Dat is why you must listen to your vader and moeder. We know de trut.

Okay, Mama.

My mother had told me the story of her getting The Truth, her truth, so often I knew it by heart. It became Mothers version of a bedtime story. Im sure it was her way of convincing me we had the one true religion. Her early instruction proved successful......

www.fatherstouch.com

Edited by - morrisamb on 10 June 2002 5:39:32

Edited by - morrisamb on 10 June 2002 5:43:18