Thank you all for your support!!
Right now I am really frustrated because I know there's a memory about ready to pop out and come back to me...it started the other night. I have a bit of an obsession with washing my hands. Which all things considered is not the worst OCD trait to have, but sometimes it does get excessive. Well the other night I was washing my hands, and it finally dawned on me why it's always been an issue for it. I had somewhat of a flash back to being a kid, at my grandparents, and repeatedly washing my hands, over and over, to get the semen off my hands.
Because I was at a small party and drunk that's about all I was able to recover. I can feel that there's more there, but it's not something I can force out, and forcing something usually isn't the best way to handle that stuff anyways.
I've really jacked up dreams for the past several nights. I can't sleep. when i am able to fall asleep I awake in a panic. I'm incredibly ancy, and I can't focus for crap.
That on top of everything else that's been going with me lately (in a legal battle with Jiffy Lube over my engine blowing, so no car for like 6 weeks, GF issues, etc.) I just really REALLY overloaded. And the fact that even though I have really great friends, who I can talk to about all this stuff, I still feel really alone. And I'm incredibly angry with my parents. I dont feel like they give me the support they should. I feel like there's too many "complications" like me being DF'd. I'm only child, so i dont have siblings I can talk to, and I'm just really angry that the people accountable walk on water as far as the borg is concerned.
I have a therapist, who I see as much as possible. My insurance doesn't cover it, so it's all out of pocket. I haven't been able to afford a session for a good 5-6 weeks.
I really just feel like flying to the state where my grandfather is, kidnapping him, chaining him in a basement and breaking him, for as long as it takes, until he truly is as crazy as I feel right now.
Posts by feenx
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22Silentlamb needs to vent!
by feenx ini swear to god i feel like a friggin tard right now!!
i have so much crap piled on that i feel like i'm starting to crack, and honestly, as i'm sure many other silentlambs can relate to, i start to get incredibly angry that not only do i have to deal with this sh*t at all, but also that despite my best efforts, conscious efforts, to overcome things, to heal and to move on with a healthy life, i still have times where i feel like it just breaks me.
where things feel hopeless.
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feenx
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22
Silentlamb needs to vent!
by feenx ini swear to god i feel like a friggin tard right now!!
i have so much crap piled on that i feel like i'm starting to crack, and honestly, as i'm sure many other silentlambs can relate to, i start to get incredibly angry that not only do i have to deal with this sh*t at all, but also that despite my best efforts, conscious efforts, to overcome things, to heal and to move on with a healthy life, i still have times where i feel like it just breaks me.
where things feel hopeless.
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feenx
I swear to god I feel like a friggin tard right now!! I have so much crap piled on that I feel like I'm starting to crack, and honestly, as I'm sure many other silentlambs can relate to, I start to get INCREDIBLY angry that not only do I have to deal with this sh*t at all, but also that despite my best efforts, conscious efforts, to overcome things, to heal and to move on with a healthy life, I STILL have times where I feel like it just breaks me. Where things feel hopeless. Where I ask myself what is the point anymore, I'll never be more than a "survivor."
ARGH!!! -
4
DF'd with a never baptized roomie...who is up?
by feenx inhappy travels all.... myself and my roommate are wondering...who's up tonight on jwd, and what is the ultimate topic of the evening?.
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feenx
happy travels all...
myself and my roommate are wondering...who's up tonight on JWD, and what is the ultimate topic of the evening?
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12
I feel like a deustch. GF and I broke up....
by feenx inso as many of us have experienced over the years since being out, out past can certainly play a role and often does in our present lives.
my past has crept into my relationship, and as my gf did not feel equipped to handle and/or talk about any of it, this was a large factor in what led to our breakup this weekend.
i've felt like i'm going to puke since about 4 a.m. saturday.
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feenx
Well we got together last night to talk. I poured my heart out. In the midst of tears and heart ache I explained what I am coming to realize my relationship issues are, why I have them, and how much I need to change, and what I was going to do to change, so that the end result is not me blowing up because I've been letting things fester.
We made up, got back together, went to dinner. After dinner she said she was still really angry about the names I had called her (they were pretty offensive). Again I apologized, explained how terrible I felt. That didn't seem to satisfy her, and I asked what she wanted me to say. She said that she wanted me to be crying, on my knees, groveling, because I had hurt her so bad. She then got upset about I was the one who hurt her, and yet the night after she came back, hysterical in tears, wanting to get back together and I turned her down. She was really angry about that too.
So she said she was going to take some time and that there was a good chance we wouldn't be back together, because she just can't move past the names.
At first I felt absolutely horrible, confused, in shock, saddened. I asked myself, "am I THAT guy?" Am I the guy who only pretends to be nice but really I'm a complete waste of a human being? Didn't she say earlier this very night that I was one of the most loving people she'd ever met?
And then in the middle of the night I woke up, and was really angry. Here I was, pouring my heart out, explaining all the things I need to change, such as speaking up more about the things that bother me, things SHE does or doesn't do, that hurt me, but I was the one putting everything on the line first that I was going to change. And she said she does need to fully commit to me (mentally) and listen to me, yet....after all that all she can focus on is names that I called her in the heat of a drunken moment. I would hope that my actions over the last year and a half would speak louder than words...but I guess not. -
24
Freemasons...who are you?
by feenx ini saw in a different post there was a discussion about jw's being linked to freemasons.
one poster replied that they were a mason and they know for sure there's no link.
that got me to thinking...i've never had any contact with an actual mason.
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feenx
Uzzah:
I very much like the help provided to battered women, that is fantastic! Well I guess my basic question is...what is a Mason? I.e. is it basically an elite and very old social club with a simple purpose of improving the community, or is there some other type of purpose or goal? -
24
Freemasons...who are you?
by feenx ini saw in a different post there was a discussion about jw's being linked to freemasons.
one poster replied that they were a mason and they know for sure there's no link.
that got me to thinking...i've never had any contact with an actual mason.
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feenx
oh right on the Mogul huh? cool cool. you'll have all sorts of fun with it ;) You know you should be able to tether that to your computer as well and use it as a modem, should you need to surf on a laptop and there's no wifi or somethin. I did with the 6700 i used to have.
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24
Freemasons...who are you?
by feenx ini saw in a different post there was a discussion about jw's being linked to freemasons.
one poster replied that they were a mason and they know for sure there's no link.
that got me to thinking...i've never had any contact with an actual mason.
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feenx
I agree. I think it is overblown. I think because people don't know enough about it they blow things out of proportion. I am really interested in the honest truth about it. To me it's interesting. Coming from an environment that claims to be completely open yet has many skeletons in the closet, and hurtful ones, I'm curious about a community that seems to be able to stay out of the mass public eye.
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24
Freemasons...who are you?
by feenx ini saw in a different post there was a discussion about jw's being linked to freemasons.
one poster replied that they were a mason and they know for sure there's no link.
that got me to thinking...i've never had any contact with an actual mason.
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feenx
Hello all...
I saw in a different post there was a discussion about JW's being linked to Freemasons. One poster replied that they were a mason and they know for sure there's no link. That got me to thinking...I've never had any contact with an actual mason. I see the lodges around town. I've seen TV shows about them. Read things online. But I've never heard, from an actual Mason, what it's all about.
Are there any Masons on here that would care to share? -
12
I feel like a deustch. GF and I broke up....
by feenx inso as many of us have experienced over the years since being out, out past can certainly play a role and often does in our present lives.
my past has crept into my relationship, and as my gf did not feel equipped to handle and/or talk about any of it, this was a large factor in what led to our breakup this weekend.
i've felt like i'm going to puke since about 4 a.m. saturday.
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feenx
Thanks Cognac :/
I guess I just am totally torn. I feel like an arss and maybe I should've given her more of a chance. But then on the other hand it's something had been bothering me for several months, that I tried to ignore and be happy, and eventually it just made me very bitter. I lost the first 21 years of my life, so to speak, and time to me is precious. And I dont want to wake up everyday trying to be happy in a relationship, crossing my fingers that things will eventually change.
Things would be different if she had specific things she was willing to change on her side, instead of just a general "I want to work on it." But she hasn't said that yet. And I feel like I did something wrong, like in the heat of the moment when I'm blurting out all these emotions I've been holding back that I just f*cked both our lives. -
12
I feel like a deustch. GF and I broke up....
by feenx inso as many of us have experienced over the years since being out, out past can certainly play a role and often does in our present lives.
my past has crept into my relationship, and as my gf did not feel equipped to handle and/or talk about any of it, this was a large factor in what led to our breakup this weekend.
i've felt like i'm going to puke since about 4 a.m. saturday.
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feenx
It is very painful. I really thought she was "the one." Part of me still does. I can't help the issues I have to overcome. In fact I am proud of myself that I am actively working towards better emotional health, rather than trying to ignore it all. I can't help being a silentlamb, and as much as I empathize and understand how hard that must be for someone who's never really had to endure something like that to hear about it, I still need my partner in life to be ok with listening to me and hearing me talk about it.