johannahw
JoinedI have thought off and on about the JWs for years. My little sister Brenda converted about 30 years ago and raised two sons in the Truth as she called it. One boy, Mason, is still being raised as a JW (he is 15) and my other nephew, Aaron, left the organization on his 18th birthday. He's 26 now. I think he's an atheist. Anyway, Brenda has been talking to me off and on for years trying to get me interested. She would send me a lot of stuff to read and our phone conversations would center around religious stuff. I had always considered myself a Christian but was definitely confused by the many denominations out there and Christians who claimed the name but didn't really walk the walk. It seemed to me that the JWs as a group really did practice what they preached. I did study once but when my husband and I had to move to another city we just never started it up again. A lot of years went by and I moved from state to state for a while. I finally ended up in Reno, Nevada where I've been for the last 3 years. About a year ago I started going through some bad times with my health. I'm severely bipolar and last year my meds just blitzed on me and quit working. I went through a couple of bad manic episodes but spent most of the year in a severely depressed state, often seriously considering suicide. During that time I was put in the state hospital once. Anyway I was miserable and lonely and one day after talking to my sister on the phone I decided to call the JWs. I knew they had home Bible studies and thought it would afford me some spiritual companionship. I started a weekly study and really found myself enjoying it. Soon I was going to meetings and meeting people. The JWs even provided transportation to and from meetings for us since we don't have a car. The thing I struggled with most, was I couldn't quit smoking. Each time I'd quit for a few weeks and then start again just made me feel so dirty and ashamed and worthless. I would go to meetings anyway knowing I smelled terrible and others were judging me until I'd try to quit again. I'm still trying to quit by the way. I've gone 3 1/2 months this time. The other thing that caused me trouble was dealing with the mental illness. My moods were never stable I would often burst out crying during the meetings and have to run to the ladies room and sit out the rest of the meeting time. At first people were kind but I was embarrassed and didn't like the attention but soon people started, well, sort of shunning me. If I walked up to someone to chat after meeting, they'd be polite and say hi and then just sort of drift off to talk to someone else. After a number of months passed I was just really miserable and just as lonely as I ever was. I finally quit going to meeting after six months and stopped my study. I just wasn't good enough to make it as one of Jehovah's Witnesses. I couldn't overcome tobacco and the mental illness was disrupting my life too badly. The doctor has changed my meds several times over the last year and for the last month I've been stable. I feel good when I wake up in the mornings. It's a blessing to feel like I have reasons to live. That was my experience. I still believe in God but I'm not sure about churches. I kind of feel like this was it. Christianity at its most perfect and I found that even the folks there have warts. I've been reading on your site for about a week and have been disturbed at some of your experiences and at some of what I've learned here. Right now, I'm just looking for a place where I can find some support.