Before I was even born my parents had my whole future mapped out for me. I was going to be an elder and serve where the need was great in a foreign country after I served time in Bethel. My parents were very strict. I felt immense pressure to be perfect. Going to sleep at the kingdom hall would get me an ass beating. I was baptized at age 11. I did not know what I was in for all I knew it's what my parents wanted. I wanted to make them happy. I thought for some reason after I got baptized my parents would be so proud of me that they would be less critical of me and my mistakes. It did not turn out like that. They expected more of me. I spent my summers and school vactions in field service. I was misterable. From age 0-12 I was an ideal jw child. Something in me snapped. I decided I was sick of field service, family study, meetings, and everything having to do with the witnesses. I started to rebel. I decided to be a bad ass and took up smoking. Of course the inevitable happened and I was caught smoking at school. Never ever in a million years did I think I would get disfellowshipped. The elders said I was not "repentant". They were right, I wasn't but I was devastated none the less. I went to KH on a Sunday as golden boy and the next meeting I was a sinner, lower than dirt. My parents were beyond devastated. Dad had to step down as an elder and mom could no longer pioneer. They needed to concentrate on me. I lived like a prisoner and they pulled me out of school and I was home schooled. I was reinstated within a few months but that time in my life left its scars. After that I knew I did not want to be a witness but I had to play the game to keep my parents off my back. After I was reinstated I never reached out for anything again. I did the minimum and tried to stay off the radar. I behaved myself for the next few years until I discovered sex. I had sex with mostly witness girls starting at age 16 and was not caught until I was 17. I slept with this one witness girl who felt she had to confess because she was afraid of dying at armageddon. She went to the elders and confessed. I did not want to get disfellowshipped again so I said she was lying and crazy. They did not believe me. Looking back I don't know why I even bothered to lie. They did an investigation and they got another girl I slept with to confess that we had sex. So I get disfellowshipped again. Dad has to step down as an elder AGAIN. So for the next year I lived in hell. I was worried sick they might try and pull me out of school again but they didn't. The shunning was not as bad the second time around because I knew what to expect. My parents tried like hell to make me develop an apprecation for Jehovah. They knew deep down I was gone but they still tried. The only thing I could do was go to meetings and get reinstated and bide my time till I turned 18. I was reinstated right before my 18th birthday. I moved out of the house on my birthday. That did not go over very well with the elders and my parents. They started stalking me. Long story short 2 months after I was reinstated I was disfellowshipped again for fornication. I wanted to be disfellowshipped so that I could be left alone. It worked. Even though I have a lot of anger toward my parents and some of the witnesses I still miss them. I know they wanted what was best for me but I did not want that life. I have three younger siblings and I managed to connect with 2 of them 3 years ago when they left the the "truth". They are both now disfellowshipped for fornication and my parents blame me. We have no contact with our brother. I heard he applied to Bethel. We only talk with JW family for necessary family business which is hardly ever. Still I am glad to be out of the "truth" and I hope one day my JW family sees the light like I have and leave the cult. tyler