Dear Martha,
I noticed how on your new spin-off of The Apprentice, immediately after you have dashed the hopes and dreams of your protogees-in-waiting with a trite but yet still cordial "Good Bye!", that you pause and take a moment to pen a thoughtfully worded and sincerely voiced-over "note of encouragement" to the person. I am sure it helps to make the cab-ride home a little easier and no, I don't think we will see any of them on E-Bay.
So anyway, I thought I would write you one also.
Let me begin by thanking you for all of the wonderful community service that you have done in the past. Sure, some of it was court-ordered but nonetheless your heart, if you had one, was in the right place.
In tonight's episode, I found it especially bracing to hear that you feel the same way that I do about "women in business." No, no, absolutely no weeping in the workplace. You are right Martha, women do not cry in business. If they want to succeed they need to reflect the same iron-edged machismo as their male counterparts. In fact, the less emotive, less expressive, less feeling they can be, tis all the better. We do not celebrate the differences between the genders, we seek to eradicate them. In that way and only that way can we be considered equals.
Martha, I want to tell you how truly inspiring you are. But I am not a fabulous fabulist so I dare not attempt it. True, you are no Donald Trump but who is? And Martha, dear, please don't be jealous because he has better hair than you, and a better catchphrase, and a sex-life. After all, his style, if he had any, was bought with greenbacks and yours has been carefully cultivated like summer posies in the shade.
Martha, you are so smart not to make up a fake boardroom the way that he has done. It is great that there are no boardrooms at all at your company, everything open and accessible. No doubt, when the shooting starts you will be able to see the gunman coming through the frosted walls and have time to crawl behind your chaise longue by Le Corbusier. Hopefully, you will have time to turn off the lights and he will be wearing infrared goggles. Your lack of heat signature will be to your advantage.
Martha, I can't think of what a pleasure it would be to work for you. When my uncle, the Marquis de Sade, told me how he learned the ropes in your mailroom, I just knew there had to be a place for me.
I just can't thank you enough, Martha. Thank you for giving me back an hour of my Wednesday night. Now, thanks to your show, I am finally able to break the grip of Must See TV. I have discovered that I have a 3 yr-old daughter and a wife who's a college freshman.
Of course, I could also save a lot of time watching only your show. You see, I had thought that this would be a crazy television season, what with three shows about alien/creature invaders, one show about the paranormal, another about a woman who whispers to the undead and another with a medium who just teams up with them to solve crimes. One called "bones" and another called "Lost" and a good one called the Amazing Race which this seasons features disfunctional families. Now, I can just watch your show and get all of this combined in 48 mins. I can't wait until the season finale of your show when you reveal to your new apprentice your true extraterrestrial nature when the little alien erupts from your stomach and scurries across the glass table.
In closing Martha, I just want to say brava and well-done. It's a good thing.
very cordially yours,
Eduardo Leaton Jr., Esq.