Parents , please think before you unload on your kids

by kls 8 Replies latest social family

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  kls

  I constantly get calls from my son's exgirlfriend and it breaks my heart how her parents constantly unload their marital problems on her ,and her mom sits down and tells this girl about her mothers past and the grim life she had as a child . The parents of this girl have fought as long as she can remember and always dragged this girl into their problems and it is affecting her every move in life. I would never reveal to my kids what it was like when i was growing up ,yes they know some ,but only parts i think is not painful for then so i limit what i say. As you who are married to a jw you how life can be and yes my kids do know much because they lived it with me but they don't know all and they don't need to know all.

  I just got off the phone with this girl and her mother says ,your dad is threatening her mother again and again the daughter is involved and crying and not knowing what to do . I tell the girl , your mom is a grown up ,let her deal with it by calling the police and not you, but the girl says i can't , i love my parents and are afraid for both of them . My god this girl is 19 years old and trying to get a college degree and she has to keep dealing with the parents and it just pisses me to no end that they cannot leave their child out of it.

  She is also haunted now by her mothers past ,and it hurts this girl to know what her mom had done and lived , this mother even told the daughter about her sexual past .

  Damn some parents just really don't know or care the hurt they are causing their kids.
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  Scully

  It is so unfair for the parents to put their child in the middle of their problems. Kids don't need to know stuff like details of their parents' sexual history. It's really sad that she can't just tell them both to knock it off and keep their problems private. The mother needs to contact the police if the father is threatening to do harm to her. If the threats are actually occurring, and the mother repeats them to the daughter but refuses to do anything about it is like a form of mental and emotional cruelty... it's practically terrorism. If the threats are not actually happening, and the mother is simply telling the daughter that they are happening to poison her relationship with the father, well that's just disgustingly cruel, imo.

  Are there any guidance counsellors at the girl's school that can help her find some respite from the insanity at home? Maybe they can come up with a plan for her to board with another family while she's trying to make her way through school. It's wonderful of you to offer her a shoulder and a listening ear, but if you can enlist more help and resources for her, it will show her your genuine concern for her and maybe give you a bit of a breather as well. It can get very draining exposing yourself to other people's issues and problems; so know when you need to step back too.
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  kls

  Are there any guidance counsellors at the girl's school that can help her find some respite from the insanity at home? Maybe they can come up with a plan for her to board with another family while she's trying to make her way through school.

  This girl doesn't live at home ( thank gawd ) but her parents track her down just to bitch about one another ,then her mother will start to cry and put her daughter on a guilt trip almost to make sure the daughter will get involved. I have spoken to her of counseling and she keeps telling me she can handle it ,at least for now . Ya right ,she is losing her mind because of this crap and i just hope if no one else answers this post ,at least they will read it and really think about it.

  Thanks Scully , you are so wise in your old age
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  blondie

  My parents would still do this if I let them. My solution in my 50's has been to stop talking to them after asking them to stop dragging me into their problems for 40 years. And they have been divorced now longer than they have been married. My mother started telling my her marriage woes when I was 8.

  This technique is called triangulation.

  John Bradshaw talked about it on one of his PBS shows. Does anyone remember which one of his books it is in or know of another book as good.

  I came across this when I was dealing with the family alcoholism issue.

  I also learned that my family were invading my personal boundaries.

  I would say that counseling is in order. It did me a world of good to realize that while my parents needed help that it would be healthier for me and them to get it from a professional source.

  It will take a firm stance on her part. It took 5 years for me to finally get my mother to stop. She finally got counseling; she acts like it was her idea all along.

  Blondie
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  kls

  Blondie , if this girl keeps getting the pressure she is under ,i am sure she will snap and telling her parents to leave her out of it is something she is afraid to do,see , her parents are helping her with her college tuition and she is afraid if she speaks up ,the funds will dry up.

  I hear ya Blondie ,my parents did the same even had us kids watch as they beat each other till the blood flew ,so you and i know how devastating to a child this can be to get a child involved for any reason.

  Love your new Avatar Blondie
• 

  gespro

  Parents , please think before you unload on your kids

  A sincere Thanks to you KLS for the reminder...

  My heart goes out to this girl

  With my older children, I fear I drove them away because I hadn't resolved my own issues with their [alcoholic/borderline] mother, let alone the WTS nonesense. I wish I could see them now to show them how much I've learned about being a real Dad...

  If the threats are not actually ;happening, and the mother is simply telling the daughter that they are happening to poison her relationship with the father, well that's just disgustingly cruel, imo.

  Been there...

  I was 18 and scared when I got married the first time. I tried my hardest and failed.

  What I've learned from my third and youngest daughter, now that I have a clue, is that it's not about me and she needs the right tools from me and not the baggage [that I have since stopped carrying] from my horrible childhood. And she doesn't need to know the conflicts that usually exist in a marriage but, I 'm sure she'll ask when she matures and wants to understand relationships.

  I feel bad for anyone trying to grow and mature and then being subjected to this kind of parental dysfunction.

  g
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  kls

  With my older children, I fear I drove them away because I hadn't resolved my own issues with their [alcoholic/borderline] mother, let alone the WTS nonesense. I wish I could see them now to show them how much I've learned about being a real Dad...

  Gespro, sorry if this post hit a nerve but yes that was my intention to all parents to think before they speak and realize what they are doing to their kids. Heres hoping that your kids will understand and the fact that you do realize some of why there is a wedge between you and your kids and that they will learn that you have learned by mistakes that we are all guility of.

  I do hope you have had contact with them and if not ,give it a try and let them see who you are,,,,,Their Dad
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  GentlyFeral

  kls,

  her parents are helping her with her college tuition and she is afraid if she speaks up ,the funds will dry up.

  She needs to see a school counselor AT ONCE and arrange other sources of aid to replace the money her parents are giving her. Encourage her to lay out the whole situation. Get the counseling office and the financial aid office working together.

  gently feral
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  LongHairGal

  This is so true!
  
  I remember being about five years old and my mother was yelling about something and she spoke to me angrily like I was an adult! I felt guilty and confused and certainly could not help what was going on at the time (there were marital problems).
  
  Parents should definitely not say certain things to and in front of children because it makes them feel very insecure.