Where has my innocence gone?

Dustin

I remember not so long ago when I was still clinging to the hopes that there was a God who really cared. I felt that if I did what was ordered by the Society I would be saved at the great day of Armagedon.

Yet over these last two years I have come to believe there is no almighty God to whom I should pray. Where is this so called almighty one? I think he has gone and left us here to fend for ourselves, and that is not the one to whom I feel a need to bow my head to. I sometimes wish that I had faith in something, yet the darkness of having faith in nothing is what moves me to persevere in life. I make the most of what I have to remain a good person. Yet I feel somehow that my innocence was lost when I lost my faith.

It's hard to explain, but there is a certain darkness in me that was never really very evident before. I enjoy life much more now, but I can't really put a finger on what I'm trying to say. If I could post before and after pictures I think you would understand more fully what I'm trying to say. There's just something in me that really changed.

Did anyone else experience anything like this when they left the organization? Here's a picture of me now.

EvilForce

All I see is a question mark. Were you an exclamation point before? Or just a period?

Dustin

Evil Force, I was definitely more of a period before. I am now DA'd and am at peace with not being a Jehovah Witness anymore, yet somewhere I have an inner conflict whether I believe in God or not. This lack of respect for God leaves me to feel like the sense of innocence that I once had when I believed in him is now gone forever. Why is there still a lingering sense of guilt?

tijkmo

yeah dustin i feel it too...i miss the conviction i had..i miss the passion i had when i knew i was 'right'.. and i know it spilled over to the other areas of my life that i loved and i fear i may never truly have that kind of passion for anything again

EvilForce

I know how you feel. That is what led me to explore eastern philosophies. I am a buddhist/taoist/christian mix. I was never happy as a Dub. It took me time to understand myself and what I really wanted from this life.

I have said in many of my posts that I feel that western religion is really quite unhealthy. You are taught you are always supposed to be happy, never sad. In the new system of things everything will be peachy keen. Guess what life is enjoying the ups AND the downs. For without the downs you can't fully appreciate the ups.

I also felt decieved. Therefore I would never trust someone else again. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. But this isn't a healthy way to live. You must learn to trust your spirituality again.

I would ask that you think about the good things you have learned since leaving. For one..... I could never trust anyone in the JW for fear they'd turn me in. My friendships were completely conditional on the fact that they were fellow Dubs. I was very narrow minded. I have learned alot about the nature of people since leaving. My friends "in the world" have all been better friends than the Dub's ever were.

So maybe you need to focus on finding a NEW passion. Be it college. Or a hobby. Or recreation. Religious passion and fervor is only maintainable for a short period of time.

wanderlustguy

I think what you are talking about it not innocence, but purpose. Before you had a reason for all of it, and it would seem you are not so much a selfish person because you feel this void. Now that you have no organization or "God" to please, who's standards govern whether or not your life has worth?

This is a battle I am fighting today. What do we do when there is no purpose? Even worse, do we "help" others to end up where we are by helping them "get out"?

I have to beleive that there is something I can find real enjoyment in. I can't even suggest what that may be for me, much less you. But my purpose in typing this is to tell you you are not alone in this. Perhaps your purpose could be to contribute to others in ways you have not even thought of. Be it art, construction, volunteering for charities, or maybe even filling that cup with coffee every day at a coffee shop making someone else smile. I get an extraordinary amount of satisfaction from just sending a hello to someone on the board for no reason whatsoever other than I sincerely hope I made them smile when they read it, even if just for a half second. You can't purchase that, and no organization or "God" can take it from you.

WLG

jeanniebeanz

It's like watching the face of a child fall before your very eyes when they find out there is no Santa Clause. Only, there is no God is much more shattering... It was such a beautiful lie: someone bigger than anyone and anything who loves you so much that he will save you and take you home after this painful camping trip is over to the beautiful mansion in the sky where you will get back everyone you ever loved and who ever loved you.... So pretty...

You never look at anything the same again once you come to the conclusion that you were lied to, and this is all ya got!

Oversimplification I'm sure, but you get my point...

J

Daunt

When everything is given to you you feel pretty content. When everything you know and I mean everything you know is taken away from you. It's a traumatic experience. I would be so bold as to say it's close to emotional mutilation. Whenever something is set up like that that can be torn down so easily, it's not productive to society.

Where has my innocence gone?

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