This is it, nice and neat. You want hope? We got hope on tap for you, and it's all free. Just like JC said...drink life waters...free.
Disclaimer - Actualy cost will include sacrificing your quality of life, family, friends, and any secular ambition you may have. We will need you to share this great deal with everyone you meet, no matter where you are. You will also be required to saddle yourself with fear of Demons, Smurfs, and evil Apostates that only want to see you lose your prospects for eternal life which you will be able to spend with the millions of other Watchtower pushing, four door car driving, family shunning pedophiles that will be there with you in paradise.
If you should decide you want to void our agreement, you will be ostracized, publicly humiliated, pronounced unworthy even to speak to, and your own father, mother, brother, sister, even children will not even look your way should you burst into flame. Stripped of your social confidence you will find yourself in the largest emotional void ever developed...and all of this for your protection.
I want my money back.