***WARNING*** There is a lot of course language in my autobiography. If you easily get offended by course language, you may wish to go read something else.
Chapters one and two are located here in case you missed them:
http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/9/88236/1.ashx
http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/9/88302/1.ashx
Chapter 3: A Fresh Start
"I hate myself and want to die" - Yours Truly
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In this chapter, I'll be able to recall a lot of my experiences and thoughts much better than the previous two. This was the part of my life where I kept my journal entries, and I'll be putting much of my journal in this part. They have been edited to make them more understandable.
During the summer before school started, I got myself a whole new wardrobe, and a haircut to get the year started. Before school started, I put on my new clothes and looked at the new me. I was quite happy with my appearance. I actually looked normal. I always wanted to look like I fit in instead of standing out like my mother wanted. To add to my new self, I conned Russ into giving me a picture of his sister Joanne. When he asked why, I just told him that I'd say it was my cousin who died in a car accident. Of course, this was not my goal. This would be a picture of my invisible girlfriend. Joanne wasn't all that bad looking.
The whole purpose for transferring schools was to help exceed in my interest in electronics. It was a Technical Vocational school called Tec Voc. I didn't just view this new school as an opportunity to advance in electronics, I saw it as a completely fresh start for myself. Here I am in a new school, nobody knows me or my past reputation as a loser who wears shitty dork clothes belonging to the Jehovah's Witnesses. This is where I truly started living a "double life" as the JWs warned young people against. I was excited, yet nervous.
I remember waiting for my homeroom class to open. There was a chinese kid named Pakwah standing outside the door as well. I took a good look at this kid, and he dressed like I formerly did. It was a flash from the past. I made no effort to talk to him. I didn't want to become part of his group of loser kids. I didn't know what group I was going to fit into, but it figured it would be interesting to find out.
I discovered I was basically put back a year as far as my electronics class. I was in grade 10 shops, and grade 11 academics. The thought entered my mind that I could have started this new path a year earlier, but I was thankful that I was finally starting fresh regardless.
I clearly remember my first day in shop class. The national anthem came on, and we all stood up. I was thinking throughout the whole song "Wow! This is so exciting! A fresh new start. Never turning back to standing outside in the hallway for the anthem". After the anthem, the teacher, who happened to be a hottie went through attendance. She said to the class "Are there any Jehovah's Witnesses in this class". The pressure was on me. I saw this as my one and only chance to turn back. This would be my opportunity to stand up for Jehovah, and affect the opinion that the other students in the entire school had of me. I decided the price of standing up for Jehovah was too great, and kept my mouth shut.
The teacher then continued, "No Jehovah's Witnesses? Okay, I know there's one in the other class". This gave me a sudden realization. How am I going to deal with running into schoolmates at the giant convention in the summer when they don't know I'm a Jehovah's Witness? I figured I'd put this off and deal with the issue when the time came. I'd eventually meet the JW that was in the other class.
After the teacher was done with the JW issue, a guy next to me turned to me, shaking his head and said, "Jehovah's Witnesses, what a bunch of fucking idiots". Little did he know, he was speaking to one.
While we were sitting in Electronics class, I decided to make a friend. I said to the guy beside me, "Hey, check out my initials". He started laughing - my initials are BS.
In English class, the teacher encouraged us to start a journal. This is probably what got me started on my journal writing kick. I felt that this whole new experience was something to write about. This is my very first entry:
****
Sept. 8, 1994
This is my first year in Tec Voc. I don't know anybody in this room. I've met a few people in grade 10, but that's all. My old school, Elmwood High was talked about on the news. A girl came home with a black eye and a broken nose because of racial reasons.
At our first assembly, the principal said this school has a good reputation. Now I see it's true. A fight hasn't broken out yet. Usually in Elmwood there's one about every week. They even have their own gang called the "East Side Crips".
Hopefully I will get to know more people throughout the year. There are some people that came from Elmwood, but I don't talk to them much. I was suppose to be set up with a girl over the summer, but that got screwed up. So I'm available.
I just recently heard my Ex-girlfriend Becky is going to have a baby (no, I'm not the father!!) I think she's shacked up with the father now.
****
I'm trying to recall the girl I was suppose to be set up with. It may have been a girl related to one of my cousin's girlfriends, but I can't verify that.
The thing I didn't like about writing a Journal in english class is that we didn't always get to write what was on our mind. Sometimes we'd get a really fucking stupid subject to write about. One was entitled "Hero". We were supposed to write about someone that we look up to. I couldn't really think of anyone, but here's a bit of what I wrote, and I'm laughing my ass off right now as I enjoy a cigarette:
****
Sept. 12, 1994
.....I could admire my Cousin because he has a good marriage and a good life, but he has his bad points. He smokes which is something I would never do.....
****
At one point, we had to pick a "best entry" to hand into the teacher. I chose one called "Elvis Lives". I was in a really pissed off mood when I wrote that entry, bitching about a guy telling me how to wire up a car stereo. I used swear words in my entry, and the teacher wasn't too pleased. I got a 5 out of 10 with the following comments:
"Ben, I'm surprised that you consider this to be your best entry. I read your HERO entry and in it you write more thoughtfully and intelligently, noticing that one person cannot contain only admirable qualities. This entry does not seem to do justice to how you have the potential to think and write."
Personally, I liked the entries where I poured out my raw feelings more than some forced subject. Teachers didn't seem to understand that I was enjoying expressing myself. It was a nice change instead of keeping my feelings bottled up inside of me. I always thought that a journal should be an outlet, not a novel.
As the year was rolling by, I started to make some friends. I also "dumped" my "girlfriend" and threw the picture of Joanne out (after showing it to a few people of course). I made friends with this one guy named Dennis. He was kinda dorky, but he was a popular dork. I discovered he was a great guy to hang around with because I ended up meeting a lot of new people through him. I also discovered something about Dennis completely by accident - he was a Jehovah's Witness. The interesting thing is I noticed he was living a double life as well. I discovered he was a Jehovah's Witness when he was digging through his wallet. My eye IMMEDIATELY caught sight of a card with big bold red letters saying "NO BLOOD". Jehovah's Witnesses are supposed to keep these cards on them at all times. If by chance a Jehovah's Witness is involved in an accident and are unable to speak, the doctors will go through their ID and see this card, stating the cardholder wishes NOT to recieve a blood transfusion. I had one of these cards, but I threw it out some time ago.
Writing a Journal was a big eye opener. Things started to reveal themselves to me regarding my life. The following entry reminds me of an incident that has stuck with me to this day:
****
Nov. 4, 1994
I never thought my mother would turn out to be nuts. When I was young, she planted all these ideas in my head. I now do not like how the plants developed, so I'm ripping them out of my brain.
About half a year ago, we were going to Wal-mart or something with my aunt. Her and my mom were in the back seat. I started looking at this nice-looking girl and my mother told me to turn my head away. I just kept looking, so my mother turned my head for me.
She planted the idea in my head to avoid the opposite sex. She would freak if she found out I went out with that girl that came to our door (Becky). She freaked pretty bad just when she came to the door.
She gave me shit when she caught me on the phone with a girl (Bethany). She said my dad was going to punish me, but my dad was all for it.
I don't think I'll invite [my mom] to my wedding. All hell will break loose when I kiss the bride.
****
As a class assignment, we were supposed to get another student's opinion on our entry. I got Dennis to write an opinion. This is what he wrote:
"Your own ideas of this is great. I can illustrate to you. When my family went on a trip to a place which I forgot because it happened along time ago. There was a girl I had an eye on her. She was smaller than me, but my eyes stayed to her. My sister, who of course is a taddle tale told my mom. She yelled at me the whole car trip. I really was flabber gasted, because she changed a lot. She was getting really sickening."
Now I have Dennis relating very much to my situation. I knew he was a JW, but he didn't know I was at the time.
I had one other class that I was very eager to be in, but it turned out to be a waste of time - and a free credit! I signed up for guitar class. I had the urge to learn how to play for some time, and I thought that this would be a great opportunity to learn. Boy was I fucking wrong. My mother even supported me by buying a cheap acoustic guitar for me to practice on at home. I learned how to play Polly Wolly Doodle and Jingle bells. Whoopty fucking do. Thankfully, my brother came out for a visit, taught me some chords, and I started learning by ear. I played that guitar every day, learning how to play real songs. As for guitar class, the number of people dropped from 15 to 3. The teacher made us promises at the beginning of the year. He was going to teach us how to tune the guitar, help us work through the theory books, etc. In the end, it came down to "Here's the books, here's the guitars, go learn. My journal tells how it was going:
****
Feb. 2, 1995
Guitar class is so boring now. Whenever the "teacher" walks out of the class, me and the two others in the class pull out our picks and go nuts (we weren't allowed to use guitar picks). We'd usually play whatever we want anyway because the teacher is usually never in the room.
My question is this, why did I get an A in this class? I've been on the same page in the book for all of term 2, and we never had any guitar tests. How the hell could I get an A if all I play is what I've learned on my own?
****
As for my love life, things were getting interesting. Dennis was in my computer class, and we had begun chatting with this girl named Alleyna. She wasn't bad looking, but she had this "tough girl" attitude. I thought it was kinda sexy. Anyway, me and her chatted quite a bit. Then she pops a strange question to me; "What do you do after school?". She asked this in a shy way. I had a feeling she wanted to do something with me. Here's how I botched it. I just told her I love going home and playing guitar. Her response was simply "oh" and the subject was dropped.
I wish I had a better knowledge of how to handle a situation like this. If I had the knowledge I have now, I would have said something like "Why, you wanna do something with me?" or "I like to hang out with pretty girls like you" or "I'm gonna go grab a bite to eat, wanna come?". But wait, it gets worse.
Valentine's day was fast approaching and the school was offering to deliver roses to your "Valentine" for $3.50. Also, for and additional 50 cents, you could also deliver a singing telegram. I've never spent Valentine's day with a girl. I also thought it would be sweet if a girl sent me a rose on Valentine's day. I figured women felt the same way. I went to our computer teacher, and got Alleyna's last name. I paid the $4.00 for the whole Valentine's day package. I originally thought that you got to write your own singing telegram, but I was wrong. Anyway, the money was paid, and all was set.
Around this time, I had recieved an interesting phone call.
Me: Hello?
Caller: Hi, Is Ben there?
Me: Yeah, that's me
Caller: Hi! Do you know who this is?
Me: No.
Caller: It's Becky.
I was kinda shocked at this. I broke up with her a year and a half ago. My journal entry tells more:
****
Feb. 10, 1995
I phoned my ex-girlfriend last night. Oh was I nervous as hell. We talked for about an hour and a half.
She told me her baby was born on December 2 (no, it's not mine). She also said that everyone at my old school thought it was mine. I didn't think she still had feelings for me, but she told me she does. She said to her friends at school that she wished that I was the father, but it's not true.
She said that her relationship wasn't going to last very long with her boyfriend. She told me she's been slapped a couple of times and she has to take care of the baby all the time.
Will we get back together? Well, I told her we'd do lunch next weekend and we'll talk. I told her I was seeing someone just to be on the safe side because I sent [Alleyna] a rose for Valentine's day.
I also played her something on the guitar (because she asked me to) which she thought was kinda neat. I think she's changed a lot since a year and a half ago when we were last together.
****
Ah, the typical whining of getting back together with an ex. Anyway, back to the Valentine's day special. February 14th had come, and everyone had their roses and telegrams delivered. As usual, I didn't get one. After first break, I saw Alleyna going through the hallways asking if anybody knew a guy named Ben. She didn't suspect it was me. During lunch hour, I was sitting in the library and Alleyna walks in. She asks me what my last name is. I told her. She seemed kinda humiliated, let out an "Grrrrr" with a smile and walked away. I never did get a date with her.
Since that didn't go so well, I told Becky a couple of weeks later that my girlfriend dumped me. So we made plans for me to come and visit her on a Friday, which was a day off.
Friday comes along, and she's suppose to wait for me at the bus stop. I ring the bell, get off and see Becky for the first time in about a year. She didn't change much. She immediately gives me a hug. We head back to her place, which is actually her boyfriend's place. I really felt out of place being there. I'm guessing she told him that I'm just a friend.
Me and Becky were sitting, chatting, and watching some talk show on TV. The subject was somewhat coincidental. They were interviewing some skinheads with regards to a situation where two children (who became skinheads) killed their JW parents. You can read more about it here:
http://p074.ezboard.com/flambsmarchfrm33.showMessage?topicID=4.topic
Becky's comment on the subject was, "Yeah, skinheads don't like you guys very much". I was completely surprised at the whole subject, and that something like this would happen.
Anyway, after chatting for a bit, I decide to head home. She walks me to the bus stop, and we continue bullshitting while I'm waiting for the bus. She gives me a hug, we kiss, and I get on the bus. So there I am, sitting on the bus, feeling all good inside. It was a long time since I felt that way. While sitting on the bus, I look out the window and I see a Jehovah's Witness I know. I start laughing, thinking "if only he knew!" The following was written in my journal:
****
Mar. 14, 1995
.....Now I can't stop thinking about her. I hate myself for breaking up with her the first time, but that will all patch up. God I love her.
****
Excuse me while I barf.
****
Mar. 24, 1995
.....I'm also going to go see Becky, the love of my life. I just can't stop thinking about how she makes me feel. She makes me feel so needed, more than anybody else in my life.....
.....My (JW) friend has also come to visit from Ecuador for a few months. When we get together, we get crazy. We do some of the weirdest things, but hey, that's what friends are for.
I also have my car to fix up. The car of my dreams has come into my life and I can't wait to get it on the road. This spring break is going to be excellent.
****
A few things I need to clarify with this entry, well, I don't think the Becky thing needs to be any clearer! The friend from Ecuador is a Jehovah's Witness named Thiery (french name). We kinda grew up together in the same Kingdom Hall. He was the only one I got along with. He was pretty cool for a Jehovah's Witness. His favorite band was AC/DC. He was extremely outgoing, and loved to laugh. We spent a lot of time together bugging girls in the Kingdom Hall. We frequently got in trouble for it. Unfortunately, his family had to move to Ecuador where JWs were needed (or "where the need is great). Pretty fucking stupid if you ask me. They had to learn a whole new language, pack up all their shit, and go to a country they didn't want to live in.
I'd also like to add that recently, I heard that he quit associating with the Jehovah's Witnesses, got into skateboarding, and moved back to the city. I've come back in touch with him.
As for the car I was talking about, my dad bought this thing for me for $50. It was actually in pretty good shape, and all I needed to do was put $200 worth of work into it. It was a 1983 Pontiac Phoenix. Not really a "dream car", but it was a car that didn't have wood panelling on the side, so I was happy with it. My dad registered it under his name and gave me the reason that the insurance would be cheaper. The real reason lies ahead in this chapter.
I find it funny how after I changed schools, my marks started to drop. I was no longer an honour student. I was failing Physics. My grades were D, F, F for the first 3 terms. The class was too fast paced for me to grasp any of the concepts we were being taught, so I just fucked around in the classroom. I told my parents that I wanted to drop out because there wasn't a hope in hell that I was going to pass. What was their response? "You never know, maybe you'll get an A+ on the final exam!" Actually, I cheated on the final exam, and I still bombed it.
I clearly remember the date April 12, 1995. Me and some friends decided to skip the afternoon. It was the first nice day of Spring, and we didn't want to spend it in the classroom. So we went and hung out together. This was the first time I smoked a cigarette. We were sharing cigarettes between us. I'll never forget the great rush from smoking. It had such a calming effect. I continued smoking. I felt like such a badass being a smoker. People were shocked when they found out I smoked. I continued to smoke, but I didn't develope into a heavy smoker. I still wasn't addicted.
I also remember the math teacher constantly bugging me for a note from my parents for April 12. I just explained to him that I was having personal problems, and I needed the time off. He seemed to be satisfied with that. My attendance in his class was very good.
Guitar class got interesting at the end of the year. Me and one guy named Paul were the only ones left in the class. The teacher was threatening to give us a test at the end of the year. I was skipping a lot of classes, but I managed to get good grades for the 3 terms: A, B, A. I still don't understand how I got such good grades. We were supposed to get through 2 theory books. Me and Paul didn't even make it through half of the first one. Me and Paul skipped the last week of Guitar class.
Summer holidays had started, and I was enjoying them. Then my mother gets a phone call from the guitar teacher. He explains that I had missed the last few classes, and that if I wanted to pass, I was to go down to the school and do the test. After my mother got off the phone with the asshole, she yelled at me for skipping classes. She damn well knew the shitty job that the guitar teacher was doing. I continually complained to her about it throughout the school year. Now she expects me to pass an unfair test? The teacher never encouraged us, never helped us, never paid any attention to us. He was always busy in another room fucking around on the computer.
So I drove down to the school to take the fucking test. It was hot that day, my car and the school didn't have air conditioning, and I was in a shitty mood. I arrived at the school, and the teacher started giving me shit. He got into this lecture about how I'd never make anything of myself if I didn't apply myself. After about 15 minutes of lecturing, he opened the theory book and told me to play a few songs. I struggled through them. I sounded like I barely knew how to play guitar. He stopped when I told him I couldn't play any of the songs on the following pages. Next came another lecture. Sweat was dripping from my forehead into my eyes as he continued to tell me how much of a failure I was. He asked me what I wanted to do when I left school. I told him I wanted to get into the field of Electronics. He then told me how I'm never going to get anywhere with my life.
What he said next came as a shock. He told me "I'm going to pass you, but just barely. I'm doing this because you stuck it out till the end." I got a fucking C!!! Through all the lecturing, I guess it was worth it just to get an easy credit. I couldn't believe I passed, even though I fucked around all year. Now that I look back on it, I wished I had marched in there and gave the teacher a piece of my mind about how he wasn't doing his job properly, and about how the guitar test was unfair since noone was there to teach me. I should have gathered up all the former classmates and made a complaint about him. It just goes to show that I still couldn't stand up for myself.
On June 30th, I went camping with my cousin. I had to fucking beg my parents to go. My cousin constantly assured them that I would be fine. This was the only camping trip that I can remember. My parents took me when I was too damn young to remember. They quit going fishing when I was around 7 years old. The basically got real fucking lazy, and I was forced to be dragged down with them. I still say that I never had much of a childhood.
Anyway, during the camping trip my cousin kept feeding me beer. I believe this is when I caught my first buzz. I was happy to be away from my parents for the weekend, spending time with my cousin and drinking beer. It was almost a taste of freedom.
Around this time, I started getting annoyed at Becky again. I was being reminded of why I dumped her the first time. She was either a compulsive liar, or trying to get my pity.
****
July 2, 1995
..... Becky called bullshitting about needing a liver transplant. What the fuck is wrong in her mind? Talks about missing kissing me.....
****
Now seriously, how many 16 year old girls need a liver transplant? She never did get one.
****
July 4, 1995
..... It is 2:36 and Becky has called about 4 times. She keeps talking about having my baby. She can forget it. I had a momentary thought about Bethany during the call. I guess I still kinda miss her.
Russell came over yesterday. He answered the phone instead of me and talked to Becky. We taped it.....
..... Becky says that Jennifer K would go out with me. BULLSHIT! I'm getting sick of her!!
****
Becky was totally convinced that she wanted to have my baby. Wasn't one enough? I'm guessing that she wanted to trap me into staying with her. As a 17 year old, what would I want with a baby? I was still young and wanted to have some more fun!
****
July 5, 1995
..... Becky wanted me to pick her up to get some stuff from her apartment. She had her hand on my leg all the way there. We got to her apartment and she gave me the grand tour.......... When we got to the kitchen was the best part. We hugged. Then we french kissed. The only thing I hated about that was she sure as hell didn't use Scope (mouthwash). This lasted for about 10 minutes. When we got in the elevator, she was touching my ass. When we were driving down Regent Ave. She was touching my nuts. When we got to Neil Avenue, I told her where my aunt lived. She though it would be fun to stop in for a visit. So we did. My aunt was quite surprised. I drove [Becky] home at 4:01. After that, nothing really happened. She hasn't phoned me since.
****
I have a few things to add here. When we kissed, I had to restrain myself from heaving. She tasted absolutely fucking terrible. Come to think of it, it would have been funny if I had thrown up in her mouth. After we kissed, she smiled and I looked at her teeth. She looked like she hadn't brushed her teeth in months. There was gunk buildup at her gumline. And if that wasn't gross, when we were sitting at my aunt's place, i noticed a weird smell coming from Becky. I don't think she was on her period either. I also didn't appreciate her grabbing my balls while I was driving. She wasn't squeezing lightly either.
The Jehovah's Witness yearly convention approached. I figured I'd see Dennis there, and I was right. He was shocked to see me there. I just told him that I was forced to go, and that I wasn't baptized, so he was cool with that. I didn't see anyone else from school there, so I felt kinda relieved. Kinda funny, I made plans to see Becky after the first day of the convention. Spending time with Becky was much better than sitting at a boring convention from 9:00 am to 4:00 pm. We got breaks of course, but they never felt long enough. My ass fell asleep many times in those uncomfortable chairs.
****
July 7, 1995
Convention day 1: I was tired, Bla Bla Bla but I kept awake. At 6:00, I went out with Becky. We stopped at some resteraunt in Transcona and had a coke and we talked for a while. After she wanted to find a quiet spot. I tried to find one, but with no success. So I decided to turn around in the abandoned Beaver lumber lot. But we "somehow" ended up behind Beaver Lumber. We caressed each other. We again french kissed but longer. She was rubbing my dick which felt really good. The windows were fogged to hell. When I got home she called & thanked me. I don't think I'm going to dump her now. We'll probably keep sucking & fucking & kissing & licking. Bye!
****
Another note, the "sucking, fucking, kissing, licking" part I stole from a Maestro Fresh Wes song called "Hittin' The Girlschool". We actually didn't fuck yet.
****
July 9, 1995
Convention Day 2: Boring. I showed Dennis my car. Yesterday, Becky Called. She keeps telling me that she wants to have a baby with me. She says she wanted to lose her virginity with me. Too late (for her)!
Convention Day 3: Fell asleep. Really tired. Called Becky. Not much..........Becky wants to go out again tomorrow. My prediction is she will want to go all the way and neither of us will have a condom. She'll probably tell me she takes pills, but I don't think I'll trust her.....
****
The next part in my Journal was a time that I remember very well
****
July 11, 1995
..... I also made plans to see Becky. That got fucked up because Mom picked up the phone and heard her say "see you at six". As usual, she came up to give me a lecture. I told her it was (my friend) Paul's sister & Paul wasn't home to give me a tape I wanted to pick up. She told me that she would give it to me. Much to my surprise, she bought it, but I still didn't get to see Becky.
I'm listening to "It's Not That Way At All". This morning, my grandpa Wilson died. Mom wants to go to Edmonton for the funeral. I CAN INVITE BECKY OVER if she goes. I'm going to pick Becky up at RAP (some kind of program for single mothers) and go to my aunt's. I'll show Becky some of my old pictures.....
July 12, 1995
..... Today was cool I went to pick up Becky from RAP. I cut some guy off by accident. We went to my aunt's place for a visit. Everytime she went to answer the phone, we lip locked. I had my hand under her shirt. I felt her panties.......... She found my ticklish spot. I hated that but I still love her. She again didn't use Scope. We left at 6:00.......... After I got home, 20,000 people called. My aunt said my Mom was there and we must have just missed. I FREAKED. If she would have seen me get into the car with Becky, there would have been murder. Mom told me she took ROCH. I said I took WATT. Ha ha. I can't wait till she goes on her trip.....
I just remembered, my dad is working nights and Mom won't be home til Tuesday so Me and Becky have the whole house to ourselves.
****
I'm adding this line in here, just to keep the suspense. Yeah, I know I'm an asshole. I had to dump my mother off at the bus depot before I could do anything. I must also add, Becky's son's name is Shae. Anyway, here's what happened according to my Journal:
****
July 13, 1995
Holy Shit: I cleaned my room. I drove mom. Got lost downtown. I picked up Becky. She let me hold Shae. We got home (my house). We kissed in my room. She started reaching down my pants. She started taking them off. Next, she wanted my shirt off. After that I told her it was her turn. She was shy. I helped her. She wasn't wearing a bra. WOW!!.......... None of us had a condom. I refused to do it without one. She respected that. I couldn't get little Jimmy up. She sucked it for a while. eeew! gross! It still wouldn't come up, and it didn't. We decided to go see my cousin after. Shae likes me a lot. My cousins freaked out. I kinda don't know why. I drove her home at 11:00 pm. It's now 12:03 pm and she's already called me twice. If only mom knew we made out --- IN MY BEDROOM!!.....
****
There is a LOT that I left out of this journal entry. First of all, she had her kid with her. We tried putting him to sleep on the floor next to the bed, and the little bastard wouldn't sleep. Me and Becky were making out naked with her kid there watching us. This was incredibly uncomfortable.
Another reason I wouldn't fuck her is because she had told me in a telephone conversation about a month previous that she had caught a disease from her ex-boyfriend. She told me that he was cheating on her, and that's how she caught it.
As for getting it up, I just couldn't do it. There was too much wrong with the situation, and I wasn't comfortable. She had also said to me "Why don't we stick it in and see what happens?"
Stupid bitch. I told her "How in the hell is it going to go in without being hard?" She agreed that it wouldn't work.
As for the blowjob, it still wins an award for the shittiest blowjob I've ever recieved. The total idea of blowjobs turned me off at the time. So that's the story of how I almost lost my virginity at age 17. If the situation had been different - no kid watching, and a condom handy, I may have gone all the way with her. It's still hard to say. Becky wasn't incredible at turning me on. Looking back at that night, I'm glad things didn't work out.
After Becky failed to get laid, we decided to go to my cousin's place and let them meet Becky & her kid Shae. We went over there and all I can remember is the stunned look on my cousin's face. I later found out that he had a horrible impression of Becky, and advised me to kick her to the curb.
****
July 15, 1995
What a day so far. Becky phoned this morning to brighten up my day. But later someone phoned my dad & told him he saw me, Becky and Shae twice that day (driving around). It was a Witness. SHIT. I am now forced to stay away from Becky. I told her the shitty news. I had to tape it for proof for my dad. I cried. I'm sure Becky was doing the same. But I don't give a shit. I'll call her after a couple of days. I still would like her to come to my graduation ...... I still have lots of feelings for Becky because she was the first to suck my cock. My dad & aunt gave me some advice for what to find in a girl. I'm not sure I'll ever go out with Becky again, but I'll keep in touch with her. I cried for everything. Because I couldn't see, be with or talk to her again. I also cried because my life is so fucked up. I can't even live a normal fuckin life without these fuckin Witnesses getting in the way. Fuck this. I'm not going to carry out this fuckin religion when I move out. I'm not going to let my kids go through the same fuckin bullshit I did. I HATE MYSELF AND WANT TO DIE.....
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So now I had someone rat on me for dating a single mother. My father who was working days made arrangements for me to stay at my aunt Mary's place while he was at work. However, I ended up talking to Becky every morning before I left the house. As for who ratted on me, I slowly started putting the pieces together. I had Becky over on a meeting night, and what are the odds of someone seeing me twice on the road? I had called Becky when my dad was out, and she said it was Russ who actually ratted me out. However, I found him to be innocent. I then started suspecting my dad.
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July 16, 1995
....my dad forced me to go get gas with him. I was pissed off. He said I have no right to be pissed off at him. I wasn't pissed off at him, I was just pissed off....
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Quite recently, I found out the truth to this story and finally put it to bed. My cousin told me that he had phoned my dad and told him, and my dad took action. I wasn't pleased hearing that. I would have preferred my dad being honest with me instead of contributing to the confusion, frustration, stress, and depression I was already going through.
****
July 20, 1995
It is 10:01 pm. It's been a week since I made out with Becky. I'm starting to get sick of her again. Every morning when I phone her, we talk shit. She's full of bullshit. I don't think I'll call her tomorrow......
.....I now need a new girlfriend and I was thinking of either TRISH or CHERYL. I'll try TRISH first.....
Aug. 1, 1995
I feel like absolute fucking shit today for no fucking reason. Everything pisses me off. Got a shitty meeting that I really don't want to go to. I gotta babysit Reid after. FUCK. I got no girlfriend. I want TRISH badly. I doubt she'll go out with me but it's worth a fucking try. FUCK THIS at 4:00 pm.
Aug. 4, 1995
....I phoned Bullshit Becky today. She says she's going into a foster home because she had a fight with her mom. A 24 year old also raped her. Ya right. That's about all.
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Becky was a horrible liar. She'd tell me things, then have a different story about the same subject in another conversation. If there's anything I hate, it's people who lie to me. I started getting really sick of it all.
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Aug. 16, 1995
Russell was over today. Becky called. I had a cool arguement with her. I finally spoke my mind to her. I told her I knew she was lying to me. She says she's going to a foster home in St. Boniface. Ya, sure.....
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One thing that I find incredibly pathetic is 2 1/2 years after I was "dumped" by Bethany, I was still having trouble getting over her. I needed an outlet to vent my feelings, so I wrote her a letter in my journal:
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Aug. 19, 1995
Dear Bethany:
If only you could see me now. Everything's changed ever since we last spoke. I am now driving as I said I would be. I never forgot my promise to you to take you out in my car. I have also taken up guitar. It's really cool! I'm making lots of money from various jobs I am doing.
I'll never forget the time you told me you loved me. I was so stupid not to show my love to you, but you were the first girl I ever loved, and I was very shy.
I'm not really seeing anybody right now. I just broke up with a girl who wanted to have my baby. I also have a 24 year old who likes me, but I haven't excepted.
Are you still as beautiful as you were 3 years ago? I really would like to see you sometime and go out for dinner or something. I love you very much and wish you would come back.
****
A few things I must clarify in this letter. The jobs I was speaking of were cutting people's grass, fixing people's electronic equipment, and babysitting the neighbor.
The 24 year old I was talking about was a Jehovah's Witness. My mother was telling me about this "special person" who enjoyed the public talks I gave at the Kingdom Hall. My dad later told me that it was a girl named Audrey, and she had a bit of a crush on me. Recently, I heard that she left the JWs.
This letter was never delivered, and was never intended to be delivered, one main reason is I didn't know where the fuck Bethany lived anymore. I was crushed the day I phoned her number and it was disconnected.
I was trying to open up more options for women to date. I knew I was at least somewhat desired. I got back in touch with a girl I went to elementary with named Bojana. She was actually quite happy to hear from me.
As I started developing a deeper hate for my mother, the JWs and myself, I continued to try and get a new girlfriend. After multiple tries, I began to succeed. There was one particular girl I met, and she was the only reason I didn't destroy myself. I was at the end of the cliff, looking down at my possible grave when my mother found something very personal of mine.