Opted out

by onacruse 9 Replies latest jw experiences

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  onacruse

  Talking with a friend tonight, this issue came up:

  My Dad has always been distant from me, to the point of clinical.

  I blame him not! I know he cares for me, and loves me as best he can.

  However, he had an extremely deprived (Depression-era, on-the-streets) childhood.

  The WW2 military gave him the first "structure" in his life.

  The WTS offered him the same "structure."

  I can't help but think that many of the "old-timers" opted for the WTS out of compelling personal necessity.

  I miss the father that I could otherwise have had.

  Craig
• 

  pepheuga

  my own parents were caught in an unhappy socio-political climate in mid 70s britain and felt that all of man's best efforts to improve things were dooooomed. this worldview is the more pressing if you've got kids whose future is a consuming worry. chuck in some personal history problems, and they soon became so desperate that they simply opted out of the real world. i mention this because it seems to me (though it may not to others) to be similar to what Craig describes.

  pepheuga
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  onacruse

  Hello peph

  You said it quite well; better than I said it.

  My heart is heavy.
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  FlyingHighNow

  Ona, that's such a loss for you both. Our country here, the good old USA, did not value the role of a father in his children's life until recently.

  My own dad was always off in some exotic place with his job as an oceanographer. Later on, after my parents' divorce, we didn't see him again for five years. The next time we saw him was when he brought my oldest brother's ashes back home to his final resting place. Now, you'd think he would have learned from Cory's death, not to take us kids for granted. He didn't learn.
• 

  gumby

  My Dad has always been distant from me, to the point of clinical.

  Don't feel bad buddy....I came out of the birth canal with a coat hanger in my ear..(tm Joan Rivers)
  

  Seriously.....many many father do not know how to act like a loving caring father. My dad had a dad who belittled him, beat him pretty roughly when he failed...and favored his sicker younger son...my dads little brother. My dad had no example to follow as to how to treat your kids. No..my dad didn't beat me like his dad did him, but he belittled me to much, was kinda mean when things went wrong and didn't know how to talk to me except for surface things. We never had deep talks ever.

  I think parental example has changed for the better somewhat as we have become more knowledgable in our modern world concerning parenthood. Even television shows are realistic much more than the Leave it to Beaver era. This applies only for the untrained.....not disfunctional idiot parents who are goofy to begin with.

  If you were my kid Craig...I'd buy you a bicycle with a helmet and give you your own room I'd build out in the garage away from the house.......................................................................................................................................

  Just kiddin ya bastard......I'd prolly let you stay in the house.

  Edited to add.......I too always felt my dad loved me but didn't know how to show it. That helps......but there is still much emotional trauma that results when there are walls between you. I too wish I could now talk to my dad now that I'm more older and wise as I feel I could maybe have drawn him out and gotten beyond basic conversation. He passed away about 12 years ago so I'll never know. I loved my dad, but never cried a tear when he died. I cried like a baby when my dog died though......go figure.

  Gumby
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  FlyingHighNow

  I cried like a baby when my dog died though......go figure.

  Gumby

  Your dog treated you better.
• 

  calamityjane

  I miss the father that I could otherwise have had.

  Yeah, me too.
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  onacruse

  Many years ago, my Mom told me, point-blank, that she and Dad essentially relegated the "raising" of us boys to the WTS. It was almost always "the Watchtower says this."

  Now, being the good little JW that I was, that worked quite well for me. I conformed, and performed, as expected, and there was therefore every reason for my Dad to approve of me...rather, every reason for him to approve of my conformity.

  So, when I came back from Bethel, and I attempted to talk with him about why I was so disillusioned--the conversation lasted about 5 minutes. I was no longer the exemplary "conforming" firstborn; damaged goods.

  It was another 30 years before the soul-eyes of my father opened up to me, for a brief 30 seconds or so, when he said "You and Kate are really happy together, aren't you?" I replied "Yes, beyond my imagination." He closed "Craig, I'm really happy for you." Then his eyes shut down again.

  One of those experiences that is burned into my memory: You look into someone's eyes, and feel a connection like you've not had for a long long time. You can't really put words to it.

  Ah well, I'm rambling.
• 

  outoftheorg

  Well Ona. you certainly are not alone in pondering the past and relationships with parents.

  My memories of my dad and mom ,cause the same thoughts you speak of and now I am getting some feedback from my children, that tells me they feel much the same way about me.

  In fact I have lately come to believe that those of us who do not look at our parents this way, are few and far between.

  I listen to my wife and my friends and then to their children and relatives and I hear the same questions and feelings you and I are bringing to the surface.

  It would be nice to say I learned how to do better with my childen and I really did learn how.

  Except it was too late in life to apply this newly aquired information.

  They were all grown up or entering this stage in their lives.

  Hopefully they will not pass on this same confusion to their children.

  Outoftheorg
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  BrendaCloutier

  Craigster, I understand

  My parents were born in Nov. 1917. My mom the eldest of 12, my dad the youngest of 13. My mom was and still is the family caregiver, now caring for him as an invalid and advancing alzheimers, and failing kidneys due to diabetes.

  My dad was the breadwinner... raised catholic, abandoned the church at 13 and became athiest. He went into the merchant marines for WWII and learned his trade as an electrician.

  You can see their family or origin positions in their relationship, as my dad was rather independent and a bit "spoiled". but a good person. He finally "took" to JWism after my mom studied for several years... he used to kick the witnesses off his porch and out of the house! (I wish he'd have continued).

  My dad was always distant to me growing up. He, being an elder, was also the asshole of the two when it came to a relationship with me because of JWism. However, I always had everything I needed and often anything I wanted.

  My dad taught me young how to use power and hand tools, how electricity and cars work. How to read electrical schematics. Lessons I use to this day. (My mom and great grandmother taught me the female skills of needle work, sewing, pattern making, and clothing design - so I was designing and making my own designs when I was a JW teen.)

  It is very unfortunate, but with his severe ilnesses, he's become a changed man. Want's me and Kevan to come over often and doesn't pound the bible. Sad. I wish these personality changes could have come much sooner with out the attached illnesses.

  ============

  There is a time in almost every child's life that they rebel from their parents and learn to live their own life. Parent's don't know s**t. But somewhere in the late 20's or 30's an adult child begins to understand who their parents are and what they have done in life.

  Hugs

  Brenda