help with my parents

by boydarwin 9 Replies latest jw friends

  • boydarwin
    boydarwin

    At times, I have shared my feelings, questions and doubts with my father. I am always careful. I never try to force anything on them. My parents have had a rough go of things the last 10 or so years. I should explain. I was (or still am, as I guess I am a fade away, not d'fd or d'a) a third generation witness. I was destined for greatness in the organization. My grandfather, long before there were elders was the leader for lack of a better word of the witness community as it existed way back when. When the elder arrangement was put in place, my grandfather and father were given the top dog jobs. My brother and I were given responsibilities at a young age. I gave my first talk at 4 years old. I regave it at an international assembly when I was 9. I was made a servant at 17. I was told by the PO that If i played my cards right I would be an elder by 20. My brother followed suit.

    I was the first nut to crack. The pressure, and doubts I struggled with became to heavy. I had a tremedous head knowledge. But my parents never got it into my heart. When I was eventully disfellowshiped it caused quite a scandal. My father was forced to step down. I was reinstated after about 6 months. Mostly because I bluffed my way through but more I think for the sake of my father. Then my brother slipped and got the boot too. He spiraled int depression and eventually committed suicide. As a result of his "family name" falling from grace, the enemies he had made over the years from dealing harshly with others and judging others my mom and dad find themselves in an onpopular position. Most of there close friends have abandoned them. They lead quite a sad and solitary witness life. I asked my father one time why he continued to go and subject himself to what appeared to be nothing more than a two or three time a week source of depression. He told me that "going, and being a witness is all I know how to do so I continue" I responded with the fact that I felt that that was not faith, but habit and true faith can not be based on nothing more than habit.

    I digress....I should get to the point.

    I love my parents very much. I am not bitter towards them for anything. They "accept" I guess that I have left. They know my reasons. They cling to a hope that one day I will return. My problem is that as I get older, and smarter I suppose, more and more obvious doubts and flaws in the JW system become more and more real. It is getting harder and harder for me to "soft sell" what I believe or think. I want to share it with them but I don't want to hurt them.

    Are any of you in similair situations that you cans share with me. I have read stories in on these boards the last few days and see that alot of you are on the outs with your releatives. I don't want that to happen. Do any of you have any advice on how to keep that balance. How to keep the sanity and the peace, but at the same time try to maybe help them or give them an idea of what else is out there? Or should I just leave well enough alone?

    Your thoughts are appreciated

  • Fe2O3Girl
    Fe2O3Girl

    I am very lucky - my parents don't shun me, in fact we have a full and happy relationship. The only limit is, we don't discuss religion and beliefs.

    I never attempt to criticise their belief system, they keep off my back about "going back".

    I am sure that if I started bringing up any issues such as 586 vs. 607 chronology, the UN, Malawi cf. Mexico scandal, the shutters would go down and our relationship would be over. They would still be JWs, I would still be DF'd, the only difference would be that the relationship would be sabotaged.

    You know your parents best. How would they react to learning the truth about "the truth"? Would they be relieved to have their entire history, belief structure and social framework shattered?

  • clementine
    clementine

    i've never been JW but my best friend is. she's got two older brothers who don't go to the meetings anymore. but their mother still visits them. she has accepted the fact that they don't beleive in the same things. parents don't always shun their children. according to you, what type of parents are yours? do you think they'll shun you or not? maybe their love for you will be stronger than their believers... the way your father answered you would makes me fell this way... have you ever try to talk about that together or never? good luck, and take care!

  • jules99
    jules99

    You poor thing - I am so sorry about your brother. You and your parents must have been devastated.

    My thoughts:-

    If you are already dif'd and still get on with your parents, that is ALL THAT MATTERS. If I was you I would just show them that you love them dearly, every day. They NEED you, just as much as you need them.

    My late husbands' grown-up kids did not talk to him for 8 years after he was dif'd. He was heartbroken. Then he died. Now it is too late for him and for them. Be true to yourself, and God, but don't let the WTO come between you all. It isn't worth it. The WTO aren't worth it. It may be too late to change your parent's minds or beliefs, but don't ever let them think you don't love and respect them.

    Good luck and God bless,

    Jules

    xxx

  • garybuss
    garybuss

    Treat friends and relatives with the civility and respect you accord to a stranger and treat all people like this is the last time you will see them alive, and you will be fine.

  • Billygoat
    Billygoat

    Sorry to hear how hard things were for you. But keep in mind...most of us are on the outs by our parents choices...not ours. Although that's not the way they look at things.

  • zen nudist
    zen nudist
    Treat friends and relatives with the civility and respect you accord to a stranger and treat all people like this is the last time you will see them alive, and you will be fine.

    I would only add, treat people as more valuable then the ideas they hold which are temporary, incompletely, adopted in ignorance, and more than likely wrong.

  • AuntieJane
    AuntieJane

    My heart breaks for the loss of your brother; I cannot imagine the pain that must linger, even over time.

    One question: Aren't you doing the same as your parents, holding out hope...hope that they will see the "light" some day? I know it must be extremely tough to have the knowledge yourself and not be able to convince them. But for your own peace of mind, Let Go and Let God (if that is your belief). At least, let it go, follow the good advice of others here, and don't stress over the fact that they have chosen to stay in their blindfolded existence. Be grateful that you are able to use your mind and stay free of the trappings of this cult.

    Peace.

  • Carmel
    Carmel

    Your parent's happiness and certitude is more important than your need to "rescue" them. Leave them in God's hands. He is more benevolent and caring as well as forgiving than any of us. Allow them to follow their own hearts. If they ask, be gentle and kind, but do not shy away from the truth of the matter. They will go to their graves having done what they sincerely thought was serving their concept of God. The real one understands.

    Peace,

    Carmel

  • mama
    mama

    I am so sorry to hear about your brother. You and your parents have endured a loss so painful is hard for any who haven't experienced it to understand. I think many of the replies to this post are correct. Your parents have spent most of their lives clinging to their beliefs, if they left would they be happier or more depressed thinking they have wasted their lives? I know for my parents, they would be lost if they left know, all their friends and most of the family are in the religion. My parents and I have a fairly good relationship now but it took some time to get there. I don't say anything against their beliefs but I also stand up for mine if they are attacked. We have kind of adopted the "let's not discuss this" approach because they don't want to know what I know or believe and I don't want to be preached at. I think that your family will still have a relationship with you from the sounds of your dad's remark but I caution you to treat them with kid gloves right now. They are in alot of pain and a direct confrontation may push them to shun you in response to doubts they may harbour themselves. The best advice I can give you is to show them how loving a son you are, how christian you are, ( and i mean christ-like, not witness-like) and hope they see that they have done something right, they raised you to be a good kind person. Hope all goes well, and take care. mama

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