The Aftermath - Relationships After JW Life

by wanderlustguy 8 Replies latest jw friends

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  wanderlustguy

  I have a significant other now...she was raised babtist and is very strong in her beleifs. One of the difficult parts is that very subject, since I have no need to be "saved", and can very handily offer an abundance of reasoning as to why I could never trust a "preacher" to help me learn how to live. Ironically though, it is because of her I have started looking futher into what I beleive, basically looking into everything to determine what is true and what is fiction. The difficult part is I was taught acceptance by my mother in later years (She has become wiccan, don't know everything about it yet), basically to be at peace with everyone and see the good in them. So now I have quite an appreciation for the gray area, and I know it exists. My gf does not, it's right or wrong, black and white in everything.

  Now, since I have found this forum, I find myself "closing off" for lack of a better word. It almost feels defensive, like I need to shut out the noise of other people's input...outside of this forum. She feels like I don't care about her because I don't really talk to her the same since I have started this journey of mine, maybe quest is a better word. I find myself wanting ot be alone to digest my own thoughts, like there is a big weight on me and I can't work around it. I know I don't talk to her the same, because I don't know where to begin most of the time, or I get a response that tells me she has no idea where I am coming from. Like it's something I have a choice in with regard to how it affects me.

  OK, JW Discussion shrinks...diagnose me!
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  avishai

  Well, It kinda sounds like she's trying to cram her beliefs down your throat. Is that the case?
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  Gill

  It's sad but it seems that all forms of 'fundamentalists' need to force their beliefs on others people, whether they are christian, Islamic or whatever and ONLY they are right. They cannot seem to respect other peoples freedom to believe what they want to believe.

  You, have to find what you believe and this does take time, sometimes even many years. This means you have to have the self respect not to let anyone try to convince you of what they believe and you do your own thinking and research. It takes time. Don't rush it. Like a good wine, it will be worth the wait.
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  JustTickledPink

  Request that religion be a neutral area... that neither of you is trying to convert the other.

  I am very happy that I'm in a happy marriage with a man who was raised Baptist but doesn't see the need to go to church or really discuss religion. It's his private personal thing with God and we don't get into the ideology of it with each other. He's more into science than the Bible, I think it would be very difficult for me to deal with a Bible preacher every day. I am very closed off to it all also.

  I would much rather watch something on the History channel or the latest Science/Tech magazine and discuss it, than talk about religion all the time with him.
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  wanderlustguy

  I don't think she's trying to convert me, but I do feel she wants me to share her view, she is quite insecure about me being on here (interacting with other people) I can tell already. Her view being most people are not worth knowing, and she feels she should be enough to keep me satisfied with regard to association, which I know just can't happen, especially being raised a JW and knowing so many people. I have already cut off almost all associations besides her except for the best of my friends, which I definately don't interact with like I used to. In a way, I wonder if I had to create my own "restrictive organization" and found it in a person?

  I don't know why I felt so much like posting this here, but I did. I guess the battle going on inside me is, what business do I have having a relationship with someone (who I do love very much), when I don't even know me yet? I almost feel guilty for allowing the relationship to continue while I am not at peace with myself at all. And then there's the part of me that has had almost everyone I've ever cared for taken from me one way or the other... sounds like I'm a sad sack when I say it, but I really hate the thoght of being alone...strange...the same thing that kept me going to meetings...
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  codeblue

  Welcome

  I have faded after being a JW for 36 years...So I kind of know what you are talking about.

  You do need some alone time to digest your JW journey. There is nothing wrong with that.

  Your significant other can't identify with what you are going thru, because she has never been part of a "cult".

  That's why you relate to people on this board so well. You are now able to validate "how and why" you feel a certain way...and in that respect you are getting to know yourself!

  Assure your significant other that you still care deeply for her, but you need some time alone to "deprogram". Your alone time doesn't mean you don't love her or value her...

  Invite her to browse this website...maybe she will learn why you need to be here and vent as part of your healing process.

  Enjoy your new journey!!!

  CodeBlue
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  beebee

  I hate to say it, but at best she sounds like incredibly insecure (she should be enough association for me), most likely she's a control freak (is this true in other areas of her life) and at worst it may be the beginning of an abusive relationship. How long have you been together?

  Dr. Phil's website has a questionnaire on it for determining if you are with someone who has the potential to be an abusive partner. Abusers typically must control all aspects of their partner's lives. It's almost always "my way or the highway." They start by being critical of everything and usually work very hard to cut you off from everyone else in your life that matters. (yeah..seems cults do the same thing). Once your life completely centers around them, you are a lot less likely to leave and more likely to put up with whatever they deliver. Abuse isn't always physical, but even physically abusive partners rarely start out that way, it begins with gentle psychological methods of control, then escalates to emotional abuse and so on.

  When I found that questionnaire, I emailed it to my daughters but the interesting thing was that one of them found the same article BEFORE realizing I had read it and sent it to her. Her comment "gee sounds like Dad." I divorced their dad 16 years ago because he was abusive (rarely physical).

  The religion gives her a "reason" to be in the right, but the key issue here is that she NEEDS to be right and you are wrong to oppose her (her point of view). I can see on these boards where many a controlling and abusive person uses the religion as an excuse for bad behavior. Bad behavior is what it is and there is no acceptable excuse.

  You may want to step back a bit and take a closer look at your entire relationship and then decide if religion is the only problem, or just the tip of an ugly iceberg.

  ps...you should not have to give up your other friendships and associations to be in a rewarding relationship. In fact if you do, you will be a lot less interesting person and sometimes that's what it takes for them to leave YOU. Stay active, stay interesting. A partner should ADD to your life, not diminish it. Perhaps if you assure her how you feel, and that she adds an important piece you need, but that you still need other people and your own life, she will understand. It isn't a shortcoming on her part at all, it's just a human need.
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  jeanniebeanz

  I have already cut off almost all associations besides her except for the best of my friends, which I definately don't interact with like I used to.

  Danger, Will Robinson.

  J
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  avishai

  I don't think she's trying to convert me, but I do feel she wants me to share her view

  What's the difference?

  Her view being most people are not worth knowing, and she feels she should be enough to keep me satisfied with regard to association,

  Kinda sounds like the witnesses, huh?

  In a way, I wonder if I had to create my own "restrictive organization" and found it in a person?

  Maybe.

  I don't know why I felt so much like posting this here, but I did. I guess the battle going on inside me is, what business do I have having a relationship with someone (who I do love very much), when I don't even know me yet? I almost feel guilty for allowing the relationship to continue while I am not at peace with myself at all. And then there's the part of me that has had almost everyone I've ever cared for taken from me one way or the other... sounds like I'm a sad sack when I say it, but I really hate the thoght of being alone...strange...the same thing that kept me going to meetings...

  Many of us have gone through the same thing. However.....

  You can have a relationship with someone!!! Just watch out for the religious control freaks, you've had enough of that for one lifetime, and it sounds like you're figuring that out already. Do you want your kids raised by a woman like that? They DO happen, kids, that is. Especially if your "doing it"!!!! That, imho, has to be the main thing you think about when you start a relationship with someone, and you want it to last, especially if you're fertile. Period.