The process of mourning after a homicide occurs in cycles, and seems to happen more than once. This is because you are involved not only in grieving, but also in learning to understand a confusing criminal justice system - and possibly trying to put a murderer in jail, among the other details to this type of crime.
While you may feel as if you are going backward or standing still, you are not. So that you will not emotionally beat yourself up, become acquainted with the following information about the cycle of bereavement after murder:
CYCLE ONE: CRISIS
The conflict cycle of homicide bereavement usually occurs while you are waiting for an arrest, or when the perpetrator is arrested or even trying to decide what to do with the perpetrator (mental health etc.). Law enforcement and the criminal justice system tend to greatly influence the trends of your life at this time.
Many families and friends think that the court proceedings will somehow take care of their pain, only to find after the trial that the grief has only just begun. This can be both frightening and frustrating. Whether or not you have these feelings, rest assured that your response during this cycle is normal. There's no right way to feel.
During the conflict cycle, you should try to maintain open communications with law enforcement and criminal justice personnel and utilize your victim's assistance court companion. These are the people who can answer your questions and help you to go through the court trial, as well as enable you to understand all the legal things that are going on. The end of this cycle generally comes at the end of the trial, when either the sentencing or acquittal finally comes through. Although justice doesn?t always assure closure, the ?time will heal all wounds? cliché doesn?t apply. Time will change the grief and you will find an ability to remember the light of your loved one?s life. Instead of the darkness that took them.
CYCLE TWO: CONFLICT
The conflict cycle of homicide bereavement usually occurs while you are waiting for an arrest, or when the perpetrator is arrested or even trying to decide what to do with the perpetrator (mental health etc.). Law enforcement and the criminal justice system tend to greatly influence the trends of your life at this time.
Many families and friends think that the court proceedings will somehow take care of their pain, only to find after the trial that the grief has only just begun. This can be both frightening and frustrating. Whether or not you have these feelings, rest assured that your response during this cycle is normal. There's no right way to feel.
During the conflict cycle, you should try to maintain open communications with law enforcement and criminal justice personnel and utilize your victim's assistance court companion. These are the people who can answer your questions and help you to go through the court trial, as well as enable you to understand all the legal things that are going on. The end of this cycle generally comes at the end of the trial, when either the sentencing or acquittal finally comes through. Although justice doesn?t always assure closure, the ?time will heal all wounds? cliché doesn?t apply. Time will change the grief and you will find an ability to remember the light of your loved one?s life. Instead of the darkness that took them. Believe me, Mario it will happen.
CYCLE THREE: COMMENCEMENT When the trial is over, you will probably feel yourself entering commencement, the final cycle of homicide bereavement. It is during this period that you will begin to actively experience your grief, mourn the loss, and begin to start the long-term re-organization of your life. Now, you may be able to create meaningful opportunities to celebrate your loved one's life. This is where the re-claiming process starts. The re-claiming of the memory of your loved memory, re-claiming the meaning of their life, and re-claiming the meaning of their death; from the murderous act that was perpetrated against them.
Many of your true feelings will begin to surface during this cycle. Some of your thoughts may seem strange or out of the ordinary. They may even appear shocking or repulsive. However, it's not your feelings that are extraordinary; it's the homicide that produces these intense emotions. Fear and frustration may at times appear out of the normal bounds. Thoughts of taking revenge against the murderer may surface.
At times, you may even think you're going crazy. Part of your pain is due to the suddenness of the death. Because you had no warning or preparation time, you may wonder if there was something you could have done to avert the death. The answer is no. Maybe, because you were not able to say goodbye, you feel cheated. You were. You too, are a victim.
Finally, there are times in this cycle when you wonder if you will ever get over this horrible reality. Probably not. But, you can work through the pain and one day experience pleasure again. It takes time. Learning to understand and manage your grief is your greatest power over murder. It takes courage to carve out for ourselves the space we each believe we need to assimilate and integrate our different losses into our lives in ways that matter to us.
Though everything is changed by homicide, there is hope. You can live and cope?as many others have. My own life was changed, but not destroyed. I healed enough to rebuild, and so can you. Instead of being a stumbling block, homicide bereavement has become my stepping stone. I lost a family member to ?homicidal suicide? which means, the person told him the gun was not loaded and he jokingly put it to his head. The gun fired and he died. There was no reason to it. Which was the hardest thing for me, there was no justice to it and no compensation for the life taken and this person did not even have the guts to face me or my family. But, the thing that brings me peace is living my life and remembering his, through the things I do.
IDENTIFY COMPLICATED MOURNING
Unfortunately, some survivors find it difficult to make the transition through the cycles of bereavement. Their grief may have been delayed, masked or aborted. This can happen when losses both during and after the death are perceived as absolutely overwhelming. Not only are some survivors faced with the loss of a family member or friend, but they may also be coping with new awareness of vulnerability, the loss of safety, a diminished trust and a loss of belief. The combination of loss, along with delayed, masked or aborted grief, may lead to complicated mourning.
To know if you, or someone you love or care about, is suffering from complicated mourning, watch for the following signs:
Has family life, or relationships with friends, co-workers or classmates started to disintegrate?
Do you feel extreme sadness or tiredness, or find yourself developing addictions to food, work or chemicals?
Is it difficult for you to sleep, or do you find you can't wake up in the morning?
Do you have fantasies of committing murder or killing yourself?
Do you have nightmares, or "day-mares," about the actual murder?
Do you feel numb, as if you can't feel anything?
Any of these signs, felt over a long period of time, may indicate that you need to see a bereavement counselor or therapist.
Join a homicide bereavement support network; be with others who have had similar experiences. Be good to yourself, and give yourself permission to grieve. The pain you feel makes you know you're alive. Grieving takes time and will lead to healing and wholeness.
A word of caution: don't go to just any therapist. It is important to find out if the person has any experience with homicide bereavement. Ask about their personal experience and how many cases they have counseled.
MOVING ON: LIFE AFTER HOMICIDE
One of the most difficult tasks for survivors of murder victims is to make the transition into a brand-new life. For many, life ends the day their loved one is murdered. It is easy to become stuck, one way or another, in the cyclical process of homicide bereavement. Of course, saying goodbye is not easy. And when this must be done more than once, the task is made even more difficult. Co-victims must confront and reconcile themselves to the murder of a loved one time and time again: at the crime scene, church, cemetery and in court. But you can do it. Remember, your life while it may not feel like it, is worth living.
FOR THE CAREGIVER
The caregiver of an individual who is dealing with a family member's murder must keep in mind that this type of loss is different from others. Because of the ongoing criminal process and continued press attention, wounds can be opened again and again. It is important to understand the plight of the co-victims of homicide and some of the barriers to their bereavement. Some of these are: crime scenes, police investigations, news media reports, autopsy, identifying the body at the morgue, preliminary hearings, arraignments, trials and writing a victim impact statement.
ALL THAT YOU DO TO HELP THE SURVIVORS IS VALID
In the beginning, all you can do is to help the bereaved survive. This is the most important thing you can do. While you can not deny the truth, nor eradicate the pain of a loved one's murder, being there and informing the family of what to expect is important. This enables the bereaved to plan their days and cope more effectively.
SURVIVORS NEED TO HEAR AND SAY "MURDER"For those who will comfort and support the bereaved, it is important to acknowledge the death as a homicide. This means that the victim did not "pass away," or "slowly drift in sickness to eternal rest," or "choose to die." Murder is neither an "accident," nor an "incident." Saying the word "murder" is a way for both the survivor and society to admit that both a death and a crime have taken place. It is also a means to help validate the loss and offer opportunities to vent emotions in a safe and caring environment.
AFTER THE TRIAL: REOPENED WOUNDS
The trial may help survivors to vent their anger, but may also aggravate and intensify it. In the course of a trial, they may learn things concerning the murder, murderer and victim that they did not know before. In the aftermath of the trial, therefore, prepare the survivor for renewed grief and mourning.
RESOURCES FOR THE BEREAVEDCounseling, funeral/burial planning and financial support are just a few of the services families may need. The bereaved should also be informed of these other resources that are available following a murder:
This is one of many of the resources.
Parents of Murdered Children, Inc.,
100 East 8th Street,
Cincinnati, OH 45202. www.pomc.com
You may also want to visit the National Center for Victims of
Crime website at www.ncvc.org
Books:
Surviving the Death of a Sibling: Living
Through Grief When an Adult Brother or
Sister Dies, T. J. Wray
Writing to Heal the Soul : Transforming
Grief and Loss Through Writing
Susan Zimmerman
Growing Beyond Survival: is a self management work book available by Sidran Traumatic Stress Foundation call: Elizabeth Vermilyea at her clinic number: 410-825-8888 She is currently a full time trainer and can offer valuable insight. This work book empowers survivors.
Coping with Trauma: A guide to Self Understanding by Dr. Jon Allen
To order the books from Sidran: 888-825-8249
CRIME VICTIMS' COMPENSATION Most states have Crime Victim Compensation Boards, agencies through which funds are made available to help bereaved family members pay for counseling, as well as out-of-pocket medical and funeral expenses. However, there are rules governing the allocation and eligibility for crime victim compensation. Which I have listed~ Mario, if you cannot do this for yourself get someone to help you do this.
P.S. Mario, I did send you a card. Please put the card I sent, ?What is Inner Strength? please put it in a place you see every day. It is to remind you.
S.P. aka: Xandria