(This was first posted on Google Groups)
Well, I finally got home safe on Saturday night. My bus broke down in TN for 3 1/2 hrs. I had such a hard time of the trip anyway, so I'm never going Greyhound again. I would have taken a train home, but my now ex-bf's mother's friends sure as hell weren't going to fork out $400 for the trip (hell, and that's one way).
I was sorta tense but also sorta calmed on the trip through TX, because obviously it was familiar to me, but all the things that I was going through with Joe during to ordeal ran through my mind. If the bus was going past some landmark or familiar building/thing/whatever, I would remember what Joe and I were talking/arguing about or what was going through my head in retrospect.
When we got to El Paso, I was relieved to see so many familiar things, but sad that Joe wasn't going to experience this with me.
I collapsed on the bed when I got home, well, after I gave my son a bath and he went to bed, because he was hella tired too. I really feared going to sleep, because Joe wasn't going to be right there in the middle of the night/when I woke up. I grabbed one of his shirts out of the hamper and put some of his deodorant on it and held it close throughout the night. When I woke up on Sunday and today, nothing felt the same. There was: no Joe making the delicious omelets, helping me with the laundry, standing my the stove vent for a cigarette and to chug a whole 2-liter of Coke, him annoying dry shaving("but baby, I took a shower a few minutes ago"), no making ppl jealous driving around in his BMW, no squeezing my hand tight at random times throughout the day, no random quickies (come on you know what those are), no him changing the station just when I was listening to a song that I really liked...I could just go on and on. The point is that though I never really took those little things for granted in the first place, I really feel that I didn't cherish them enough.
This is the e-mail that I got from his mother dated yesterday:
"Hi KuShuna, I hope you and John made it home ok. Surely a torturous
ordeal, but no more so I don't suppose than what I've gone through
myself. Do not ever contact Joe again, Kay. Never. Let that go
COMPLETELY. It's no use. He's been committed by the judge to a
hospital
for who knows how long, and it's just going to cloud the issues in his
life
if you persist in trying to be someone he can rely upon for any kind of
consolation or hope. It's pointless. So let it GO. I need you to mail
me
his cell phone, and it would be nice if you'd include the charger in
the
package with it. My address here is:
Irene xxxxx
XXXXXXX XXXXXX XXXXXX XXXX
Bridgewater, VA 22812
Thanks and my best wishes for you success in life,
and your personal happiness and security.
Love,
Irene"
and this is my reply:
"Yes we did get home ok.
I would really like to thank you and your friends for getting me home safely.
I will try to find his cell phone, but I'd really doubt that I'd find it. I only have his charger and had to clean the house anyway because the garbage hadn't been taken out in a week, so there was not a cell phone to be found. But I'll double check.
I just have one more thing to talk about. I will respect your wishes. I don't think it's really fair that I can't at least talk to him. Like a "hi", "how ya doing", "hope you're getting better", or "be strong". I won't "try to stir up any romantic notions" as you put it, because they were already there. And love is not a notion. I've been through too many things in my live to treat love as a notion.
Look, if you hate me for letting him have marijuana, just say so. I will respect you a whole lot more for it, instead of you trying to cut me off completely. If he or you would have told me about his previous mental illness before he came to El Paso, we wouldn't be in this mess right now, and Joe and I would have never visited Mexico. Please don't try to sugar-coat everything. I know you're implemental in his recovery, but if Joe wants to find me when he is definite about the direction he wants to take in his life, you can't stop him. Because the "for who knows how long" you're talking about is more than likely not going to be forever. His mind may not be at full capacity, but that doesn't mean that he has fake feelings. And underneath it all, Joe is his own person. We've been involved of and on for about four years, so this is something that you don't just "let go COMPLETELY".
And I understand you've been through this too. Hell, the things I've been through would make you weep more than a tragic opera. My drug use will never top the sexual abuse I've endured throughout my childhood. I should have been committed to a mental institution myself, because it completely drove me crazy inside. But that went on "for who knows how long", but I'm over it.
Don't think I'm going off on you, but I had to vent. I couldn't do that while I was there, because you made it seem that Joe was the only one having a problem and my life was just peachy perfect. My life is not perfect. I don't work. I go to school evenings. It will give me stress-related illnesses if I have too much on my plate at the same time. I hate having to be on Food Stamps to put food on the table. I have every creditor in business breathing down my neck to pay bills that I can't pay and for a car that is on the brink of breaking down. I couldn't even pay my Chapter 13 Bankruptcy every month...So I just let you take over, because I was not in a position to. I hurt too. I never got to say "goodbye" or "I love you" to Joe. You'll probably get to say that to him every day. I won't.
And I'm upset that you would leave your window wide open in Joe's car while my son and I were freezing. Joe didn't give me or Jean-Philippe a chance to get dressed before going to the hospital. But, again, I didn't say anything out of respect for you and what must have been running through your mind at the time. I don't blame you, if I went through what you were going through, I'd be a bit absent-minded too.
I can't sleep at night, I have to clean the house constantly/drive around/turn the radio up loud to get my mind off everything. I was getting use to Joe helping a little with everything. Of course I'm not saying he needs to come back, but I'm just showing you how I'm trying to cope with this whole ordeal myself.
I really need to get back to my errands now; and I'm starting my classes today on top of that.
So I wish you and Joe the best of happiness on his recovery. And I'll try to make it on my end as well.
Love
KuShuna Sain"
so before this gets too long, I just want to also say that I'll probably never find anyone quite like Joe, if he needs anybody, I'll be here, whether or not his mother wants him to know that.
laters
kaykay_mp