Advice/Venting

Bubbamar

My mom sent me an email saying that she'd like to slap my sister silly for the way she(sister) has treated her (mom) all these years.

My sister was never baptised and successfully did the fade by moving to another state - so my mom can have whatever type of relationship she wants with her - based on JW dogma. But my sister can't stand our mom -- basically because she's crazy, mistreated us, and shuns me -- and my sister won't speak to her. My mom has never met my sister's kids because of the whole thing. Mind you, my mom has never apologized for anything, discounts my sisters concerns and doesn't even try with her. Just sits there waiting for my sister to welcome her into her life (and save her from the prospect of living in a nursing home since, it turns out, the FDS was wrong about the whole "generation" thing.)

So my mom has the nerve to tell me that she's upset about the way my sister treats her. How can she not get that my sister is only reacting to all the crap she's put us through. How can she think its any worse to be shunned by her daughter than for me to be shunned by her? Does she really think that because she justifies her behavior with a coulple of misapplied scriptures that its all okay. To me, it makes more sense that my sister got fed up and called it quits before she and her children got hurt anymore.

Damn - that pisses me off. I'm postponing a response to her because all I want to do is go OFF on her. Which would do no good because she will NEVER get it.

Any advice on a response would be helpful.

THanks for letting me vent.

JustTickledPink

Both my sister and I are DF'd although it was years in between. My sister is now 40 and the mother of 2 children... I am 30, married with no kids.

My JW mother has visited and even stayed in my sisters home because she wanted contact with the "innocent" grandchildren. She visited with her for weeks and sometimes months at time over the past 8 years that the children have been in the picture.

I live 20 miles away and have been DF'd for about 5 years and she refuses to talk to me, hang out, have lunch etc. She refused to come to my wedding even though it was held outside and had no religious theme.

I was very conflicted, very hurt, felt deep feelings of abandonment for a long long time. THEN I finally understood and resolved it all in my heart. My mother can refuse to speak to me, but I can also refuse to speak to her on the principles that she has been a mean-spirited, uncaring, unloving mother. She might not want to talk to me based on the fact I am DF'd, but I refuse to be friends with her based on her ACTIONS. I did email her before my wedding and we exchanged some verbal crap and I finally told her that I was a PACKAGE deal. You're either IN or you're OUT. You either want to come to our wedding, speak to me like a human being, or you have made your CHOICE to be out of my life and that decision will stand. When we have children, she will not be visiting them, she will not be talking to them, she will not have contact with them and it will be my CHOICE, because I will not have a flip-flopping grandmother in their life. Someone that might love them until they don't agree to not celebrate a holiday or something stupid at which time she will vindictively reject them.

At some point you have to make the choices, you have to call the shots, I refuse to be the receiver of her occasional nod in my direction. She either calls or emails me when she needs gas money or assistance with home repairs. I finally took a stand on that this year, I told her we'd be happy to come help her paint her house, but we would do it like a family and eat dinner together and maybe go to the store all together. She refused, so I declined assisting her with her painting.

When a family member only will speak to you when they want something from you, or as free slave labor, sorry that's not good enough for me. I'll pass.

It sounds like your sister is taking a stand. It was much more difficult for me to try to placate my mother and toy around with her, and have EXPECTATIONS and then be faced with cruel DISSAPOINTMENTS. Once I made up my mind, I've been a lot happier and free of the mental torture and heartache. Good luck to you. I truly sympathize.

JustTickledPink

Oh and for the record, my mother has told me that she "weeps because her children both abandoned her and Jehovah" meanwhile, we're not supposed to feel hurt at all when we try to have a mother than totally rejects us??????

Give me a break. Your mother is an adult. Remember that. If a friend, boyfriend, husband, etc tried to get away with treating you like that, we'd all want to slap you silly for being a doormat, just because she's your mother doesn't give her the right to treat you like chit.

Balsam

Here's a suggestion:

Mom do you remember do unto others as you would have them do unto you?

She write back and says sure she remembers it.

You then say well Mom you are being treated the same way you have treated your children. Tit for Tat. Think about it.

Doubtfully Yours

Use the same words/logic the WTBTS uses.

Politely tell her that she should do a self-examination as to what she might've done in the present or the past to cause your sister to treat her in a standoffish way. Also, tell her that just the same way JW keep going to unbelievers' homes lovinglyand patiently trying to talk to them, this way she must make an effort to connect with her child (your sister).

Be nice and polite, but drive those two points home.

DY

Odrade

"Slap your sister silly"??? Oh, yeah, that really makes her want to come around.

Why is it, that those of us with a parent who is non-nurturing, inconsistent, mean or downright psychotic, continue to hope for a "normal, loving relationship?" We continue to expose ourselves to their nasty, abusive attitude, over and over. Hell, I'm in my 30s and still giving my mom an opportunity for one more dig, cause I keep thinking she won't do it.

Makes me feel like a real dumbass sometimes.

gypsywildone

Bravo Miss Pink!

This saves kids a whole lotta trouble & the ultimate dumping when Grandma Witchtower figures out the kid has been taught critical thinking & wants nothing to do with it all.

gypsywildone

P.S. Bubbamar,

Stay calm & matter of fact, otherwise you will become a fulfillment of witchtower "prophecy". Bitter, mean apostate, blablabla. the rest of you are also too good to keep going back for more abuse.

Country Girl

Odrade:

Just because we keep trying to believe it's a nice little pooch sitting in our laps when it's just another big, old, lazy, pink elephant.

Country Girl

Granny Linda

I have no advice, just wanted too acknowledge with a, "I hear ya."

The disgust runs so deep for that filthy religion...and grown people that think their children owe them. Especially after all the abuse - be it physical or not.

In Feb of 03' I had had enough of 'thinking' that perhaps this upcoming reunion of sorts with my JW mom and sister would be nice...until I ran into that one sister, and she was the same old robotic yada yada that is convinced I've never been anything other than an "apostate." Hee hee

At that point I wrote my older sister a letter telling her not to bring mother to my home - that I was totally finished with Jw's, period. My life has been fine all these years without them, and too invite them back into my life was inviting future heartache because they do not change.

Like Pink, if those people ever truly want a healthy relationship with me...what you see is what you get.

Therefore, we have no contact because I'm not about to change for them. Never. I don't care about their neurosis because I've dealt with my own and don't need their's. So much bullcrap, really, imho when trying to have a relationship with crazy people.

I'm glad too read that other's take a stand, refusing too be treated as a second-class citizen.

This shunning thing can really suck at times.

granny

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