Jehovah's Witness Virus: Deletes all but 144000 select files.
I'm a Jehovah's Bystander. We's like the Witnesses, only we don't wanna get involved.
- Flip Wilson
While traveling near Tampa, Florida I passed the "Jehovah's Witness Assembly Hall" and was struck by the fact that that must be where they make them.
- Gene Spafford
What do you get when you cross a devil worshipper with a Jehovah's Witness?
Someone who goes from door to door telling people to go to hell.
What do you get when you cross a Mafia soldier with a Jehovah's Witness?
Lots of converts.
What does Hannibal Lector call a Jehovah's Witness? Free delivery!
- Jay Leno
I could never be a Jehovah's Witness... I didn't see the accident. As far as I know, Jehovah didn't hit anybody.
- Greg Taylor
My Avon lady just became a Jehovah's Witness. That may not mean much to you, but it saves me one more trip to the door.
- George Carlin
I saw justice in action today for the first time ever. I went out for breakfast this morning with my girlfriend, saw a Jehovah's Witness lock himself out of his own house. Kept ringing the bell.
- Lou Eisen
Do you know what it's like to have one already in the house?
- Julie Barr (comedian) about her sister, a JW
How many Jehovah's Witnesses does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to screw in the bulb, and two to knock on your door and ask you if you've seen the light!
What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with an Agnostic?
Someone who goes door to door for no apparent reason.
I learned something the other day. I learned the Jehovah's Witnesses do not celebrate Halloween. I guess they don't like strangers going up to their door and annoying them.
- Bruce Clark
Why do mobsters hate Jehovah's Witnesses?
They hate all witnesses!
Three Religious Truths
1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
3. Jehovah's Witnesses do not recognize each other at the porn shop.
Two Mormon missionaries were walking down the street when they ran into two Jehovah's Witnesses coming directly at them from the opposite direction. The elders stopped, and one of the Jehovah's Witnesses said, "We don't move for false witnesses."
One missionary said, "We do," and they went around them.
Marge: Last week, some Jehovah's Witnesses came to the door, and I wouldn't let them leave. They snuck away when I went into the kitchen to get more lemonade.
- from The Simpsons, episode Marge Gets a Job
A man went to a pet shop and purchased a parrot. Apparently, the parrot belonged to a Jehovah's Witness because it kept repeating, "Read the WATCHTOWER. Read the AWAKE. Read the Bible daily. SQUAWK. Jehovah is God."
Well, the new owner of the bird tried to keep long-playing recordings on all day, everyday, to help the parrot learn new words. Months went by and nothing happened. The parrot continued to "preach" to him with no changes in his vocabulary.
One day the owner became frustrated and infuriated and THREW the parrot across the room and it smashed against the wall and slid down to the floor. The parrot started squawking, "No blood! No Blood! No Blood!"
King James Version of the Bible: $20
Book of Mormon: $0, by request
Copy of the Koran: $30
Rosary: $10
Artificial Lamb's Blood for Pentagram: $5 a gallon
The horribly confused and scared look on the face of the next Jehovah's Witness who you open the door for: Priceless
There are some things money can't buy, for everything else, there's Mastercard. Accepted everywhere, including atheist and agnostic conventions.
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Entering into Heaven/Paradise
A man arrives at the gates of heaven. The Archangel asks, "Religion?"
The man says, "Methodist."
The Archangel looks down his list, and says, "Go to room 24, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."
Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. "Religion?"
"Baptist."
"Go to room 18, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."
A third man arrives at the gates. "Religion?"
"Jewish."
"Go to room 11, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."
The man says, "I can understand there being different rooms for different religions, but why must I be quiet when I pass room 8?"
The Archangel tells him, "Well, the Jehovah's Witnesses are in room 8, and they think they're the only ones here."