Why am I a sucker for punishment? everytime i go, i feel like crap, so why do i still do it? The empty hello's, the fake "how are you doing?" the lack of love, i just hope i figure it out soon
Why Do I Still Go?
JV, when you find a better class of friend(s), you will stop going.
If it's not fear or some such controlling mechanism, perhaps it's pure habit. They say it takes about 6 months to break a habit. Have you left off that long before?
No one can answer that question for you. It is by its nature an intrinsic question that you really have to meditate about.
My suggestion however is to ponder and analyze why you began going in the first place. Family, brought as a kid, liked a girl, had a friend, attracted to the cleanliness and pleasant manners of the friends, or you were enticed by the doctrines and teachings (and so forth there are many reasons and combos of reasons why.)
I suspect that once you first figure out why you started you will be well on the way to evaluating whether those reasons, if they are still present, are strong enough to keep you going back.
I might also suggest that the occasional visit to the KH can actually be a good and enjoyable experience--even if you are now "enlightened" about some of the real truths about the org.
True, some never grow past the point of anger or the occassional tooth grinding whenever something "wrong" occurs or is stated from the platform, but if you can personally grow past that point to the point where you can chuckle instead then I think you will have an entirely different experience.
I for one enjoy the occassional visit now and then to keep tabs on the "latest" and also because I enjoy the good aspects of the organization. I let everything else just roll off my back like the proverbial duck and walk out a lot happier and feeling a lot freer than most I do believe.
Good points you've all made for JV! I appreciate them all.