It Hurts - And all that Confusion!!

by Jang 7 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  Jang

  For those who haven't seen this before: This applies to both cults and spiritually abusive systems.

  The Emotional Pain Of Leaving A Cult

  The following is how former cult members and members of spiritually abusive systems described how they felt when they finally left their group. This may give you some insight into their pain and why there are no easy answers for them.

  It Hurts

  It Hurts to discover you were deceived - that what you thought was the "one true religion," the "path to total fredom," or "truth" was in reality a cult.

  It Hurts when you learn that people you trusted implicitly - whom you were taught not to question - were "pulling the wool over your eyes" albeit unwittingly.

  It Hurts when you learn that those you were taught were your "enemies" were telling the truth after all - but you had been told they were liars, deceivers, repressive, satanic etc and not to listen to them.

  It Hurts when you know your faith in God hasn't changed - only your trust in an organization - yet you are accused of apostasy,being a trouble maker, a "Judas". It hurts even more when it is your family and friends making these accusations.

  It Hurts to realize their love and acceptance was conditional on you remaining a member of good standing. This cuts so deeply you try and suppress it. All you want to do is forget - but how can you forget your family and friends?

  It Hurts to see the looks of hatred coming from the faces of those you love - to hear the deafening silence when you try and talk to them. It cuts deeply when you try and give your child a hug and they stand like a statue, pretending you aren't there. It stabs like a knife when you know your spouse looks upon you as demonised and teaches your children to hate you.

  It Hurts to know you must start all over again. You feel you have wasted so much time. You feel betrayed, disillusioned,suspicious of everyone including family, friends and other former members.

  It Hurts when you find yourself feeling guilty or ashamed of that you were - even about leaving them. You feel depressed, confused, lonely. You find it difficult to make decisions. You don't know what to do with yourself because you have so much time on your hands now - yet you still feel guilty for spending time on recreation.

  It Hurts when you feel as though you have lost touch with reality. You feel as though you are "floating" and wonder if you really are better off and long for the security you had in the organization and yet you know you cannot go back.

  It Hurts when you feel you are all alone - that no one seems to understand what you are feeling. It hurts when you realize your self confidence and self worth are almost non-existent.

  It Hurts when you have to front up to friends and family to hear their "I told you so" whether that statement is verbal or not. It makes you feel even more stupid than you already do - your confidence and self worth plummet even further.

  It Hurts when you realize you gave up everything for the cult -your education, career, finances, time and energy - and now have to seek employment or restart your education. How do you explain all those missing years?

  It Hurts because you know that even though you were deceived, you are responsible for being taken in. All that wasted time ... at least that is what it seems to you - wasted time.

  The Pain Of Grief

  Leaving a cult is like experiencing the death of a close relative or a broken relationship. The feeling is often described as like having been betrayed by someone with whom you were in love. You feel you were simply used.

  There is a grieving process to pass through. Whereas most people understand that a person must grieve after a death etc, they find it difficult to understand the same applies in this situation. There is no instant cure for the grief, confusion and pain. Like all grieving periods, time is the healer.

  Some feel guilty, or wrong about this grief. They shouldn't - It IS normal. It is NOT wrong to feel confused, uncertain, disillusioned, guilty, angry, untrusting - these are all part of the process. In time the negative feelings will be replaced with clear thinking, joy, peace, and trust.

  Yes - It hurts
  but the hurts will heal with time, patience & understanding.

  There is life after the cult.

  Copyright 1985, 1995 Jan Groenveld

  May be freely reproduced as long as all text remains intact.

  JanG
  CAIC Website: http://caic.org.au/zjws.htm
  Personal Webpage: http://uq.net.au/~zzjgroen/
• 

  ITguy

  Then of course, there is the flip side:

  While these studies are not specifically referring to "Apostate" JW's, the type of people described within these studies are dead-on for many EX-JW's, right down to the pattern of behavior, sensationalism and embellishment. It should also be noted that there are certainly cases of injustice within ALL groups of imperfect people, and for certain, there are EX-JW's out there that have real reasons for grudges. But on the whole, I feel the below comments are accurate.

  http://www.neuereligion.de/ENG/Kliever/present.htm

  "...among those who leave voluntarily are a few defectors who have gained great notoriety by publicly attacking their former religious associations and activities through the press and in the courts. As welcome sources of information for a public both curious and fearful about these unfamiliar new religions, such apostates are often treated as cause celebres rather than as social outcasts. But,
  as we shall see below, neither the quietly appreciative former member nor the vocally aggrieved apostate from a new religious movement can be taken as an objective and authoritative interpreter of the
  religious movement to which he or she formerly belonged."

  http://www.neuereligion.de/ENG/Kliever/tactics.htm

  "Disengagement from former religious associations and activities is only half the process of renouncing one's faith in a new religious movement. The apostate, whether voluntary or coerced, faces the more
  formidable tasks of returning to the dominant culture and of reformulating a new identity and worldview. Re-entry seldom means simply returning to one's previous lifestyle and worldview before joining a new religious movement. The "prodigal" son or daughter returns as a different person, bringing a whole set of experiences that must somehow be explained and integrated into a new psychological and social situation. This transition is often influenced by family systems, social networks, religious groups, educational institutions, and anti-cult organizations. Not surprisingly, the influence of these groups profoundly
  colors the apostate's interpretation of past religious activities and associations.

  Regardless of the manner of their leave-taking, apostates must take account of both their earlier conversion to and subsequent separation from a non-traditional religious movement. They often receive the
  self-justification they are seeking from anti-cult organizations or fundamentalist religious groups, both of whom provide them with the brainwashing explanations to rationalize their sudden adherence and
  equally sudden abandonment of a new religious movement. The information provided by these groups is usually highly negative and heavily biased against the organization left behind. More precisely, these groups furnish them a lingua franca for telling their stories of seduction and liberation. Numerous social scientists have pointed out that these biographies of "cult survival" are highly stylized accounts that betray the influence of borrowed scenarios of captivity and liberation -- each account a rehearsed story of social isolation, emotional manipulation, physical deprivation, economic exploitation, and hypnotic control. These "atrocity tales" serve both to excuse the individual apostate as well as to accuse the new religion of irrational belief and immoral behavior. They also feed and form public perceptions of the new religions as dangerous threats to religious freedom and civil order. Given this negative press, even those apostates who do not fall under the direct influence of anti-cult organizations or fundamentalist religious groups are often influenced by their negative portrayals of the religion they have left behind."

  http://www.neuereligion.de/ENG/Kliever/conclu.htm

  "There is no denying that these dedicated and diehard opponents of the new religions present a distorted view of the new religions to the public, the academy, and the courts by virtue of their ready
  availability and eagerness to testify against their former religious associations and activities. Such apostates always act out of a scenario that vindicates themselves by shifting responsibility for their actions to the religious group. Indeed, the various brainwashing scenarios so often invoked against the new religious movements have been overwhelmingly repudiated by social scientists and religion scholars as nothing more than calculated efforts to discredit the beliefs and practices of unconventional religions in the eyes of governmental agencies and public opinion. Such apostates can hardly be regarded as reliable informants by responsible journalists, scholars, or jurists. Even the accounts of voluntary defectors with no grudges to bear must be used with caution since they interpret their past religious experience in the light of present efforts to re-establish their own self-identity and
  self-esteem.

  http://www.neuereligion.de/ENG/Wilson/

  "In short, on the face of things, apostates from new religions do not meet the standards of personal objectivity, professional competence, and informed understanding required of expert witnesses."
  Neither the objective sociological researcher nor the court of law can readily regard the apostate as a creditable or reliable source of evidence. He must always be seen as one whose personal history predisposes him to bias with respect to both his previous religious commitment and affiliations, the suspicion must arise that he acts from a personal motivation to vindicate himself and to regain his self-esteem, by showing himself to have been first a victim but subsequently to have become a redeemed crusader. As various instances have indicated, he is likely to be suggestible and ready to enlarge or embellish his grievances to satisfy that species of journalist whose interest is more in sensational copy than in a objective statement of the truth."
• 

  LadyBug

  Jang spot on! From my post you can see that I have mentioned a couple of these. Although I agree that many of them apply to me.

  BEW
• 

  Jang

  It's spot on BEW because it was a group of us who sat and talked about it and expressed how we felt inside.

  That lump in your throat will go away one day and the smiles will come again .....

  BIG HUGS

  JanG
  CAIC Website: http://caic.org.au/zjws.htm
  Personal Webpage: http://uq.net.au/~zzjgroen/
• 

  Tina

  hello it,
  I disagree with those articles. They seem to have been written by someone out to totally discredit and dismiss any ex religionists experiences. Basically a very BIASED and subjective opinion.
  Objectivity is quite possible and most probable given that after exiting most ex's are able to seperate the religion from the self due to recovery strategies and unbiased research.Tina
• 

  Prisca

  Objectivity is quite possible and most probable given that after exiting most ex's are able to seperate the religion from the self due to recovery strategies and unbiased research

  True, this stage of objectivity takes time and a great deal of research. It also takes a certain level of detachment in order not to become depressed or distressed when friends or family ignore you, or even just treat you with distain.

  Until then, a great deal of hurt remains. It takes time, reflecting, and deciding to take control of one's life, before an ex-witness reaches the stage where they can be objective in their outlook.

  That is the great thing about this DB, in that we can come together for support and understanding, with others who have been through similar experiences to us.
• 

  Spartacus

  ITguy, HOG WASH!! LOL

  That cut and paste post of yours is idiocy!

  "EX-JW's, right down to the pattern of behavior, sensationalism and embellishment. "

  Yeah the WTS are EXPERTS at sensationalism and embellishment. LOL

  "...among those who leave voluntarily are a few defectors who have gained great notoriety by publicly attacking their former religious associations and activities through the press and in the courts. "

  So what who cares, it does not change the fact that the WTS cult does not have the truth and is ran by a bunch of power tripped old men who could care less about the welfare of their followers. Worship of the institution is paramount in the minds of the WTS leadership. Men who can not prove that they are representatives of God or that God approves of their activities. There is a mountain of PROOF that the WTS was never ever affiliated with God.

  "The "prodigal" son or daughter returns as a different person, bringing a whole set of experiences that must somehow be explained and integrated into a new psychological and social situation. This transition is often influenced by family systems, social networks, religious groups, educational institutions, and anti-cult organizations."

  Therefore, it is saying it takes time to overcome the brain washing and mind control. Of course, one is not the same person after you been screwed around by a cult like the WTS. After the WTS screws up your family and extended family relations and encourage one to deny one's own pursuit of happiness of course you are not the same person. WTS cookie cutter does not fit all. One has to get over the anger at self first then move on with life. That is a no brainer.

  "Neither the objective sociological researcher nor the court of law can readily regard the apostate as a creditable or reliable source of evidence."

  That last pasted paragraph is just stupid, who says that EX-JW's can't be expert witnesses, OK an idiot. Like JW's are creditable or reliable source of evidence. All JW's for the most part are PARROTS, they repeat what they are told to think, boy that makes them credible witnesses, LOL.

  That post is WEAK, Spartacus
• 

  Jang

  To ITguy

  Kliever and all his cronies also don't believe there is anything that is a cult ...... they don't accept that these groups can be very abusive and destructive ....

  You are either a supporter of these cult-apologists or someone who has not read the remainer of this site.

  This site also promotes Sceintology as a "normal" religion - which it isn't .....The only thing religious about it is that it has put the word "church" into its name.

  For more on cult-apologists see:

  http://home.snafu.de/tilman/faq-you/cult.apologists.txt
  http://www.gospelcom.net/apologeticsindex/c11.html

  JanG
  CAIC Website: http://caic.org.au/zjws.htm
  Personal Webpage: http://uq.net.au/~zzjgroen/