Nosferatu's Great Tribulation!

by Nosferatu 1 Replies latest watchtower beliefs

  • Nosferatu
    Nosferatu

    I originally began writing this as a response to another post, but it was just so good, I put it in it's own thread...

    The story of the Great Tribulation can be found in the bible under the heading "Jehovah's Closing Comments"

    And suddenly, the sky turned a fiery orange. The sun had dimmed, not by a solar eclipse, but by Jehovah God himself. The world powers said in unison, "Those [email protected]#$ing Jehovah's Witnesses! They think their praying power can outdo us extremely important government officials? Off with their heads!

    Then fire came down from the heavens in balls. huh huh, I said balls. And Jehovah proceeded to strike the twin towers with a bolt of lightning, and made a crack, the greatest crack of all, huh huh, I said crack, split open until their was a crack circling the entire earth! And earthquakes were in one place after another! Flocks of sparrows, vultures, and dodo birds came down to feast upon the eyes of the dead. Off in the distance were Jehovah's fellow worshippers, smiling and singing "Be Glad You Nations"

    And all the Kingdom Halls were left untouched, some with meetings taking place.

    After the destruction of all the worldly people, Jehovah commanded his people, "Clean up this big f#[email protected] mess I made." The people began singing "God's Loyal Love" in praise of him, smiling, and began to dump the bodies of their dead worldly family members into the giant crack.

    After everything was cleaned up, Jehovah again approached his people and said, "Okay, now I want you all to become gardeners and turn this into Paradise Erf in which I commanded you through the Watchtowers I made you write. I also want you, you, and you to create lion farms, and put them up for adoption as a gift to all the children that I didn't kill."

    So, people clad in the same attire they attended the Kingdom Hall in, began to plant grass, fruit trees, and potatoes from seeds they pulled out of their ass. They just couldn't stop smiling.

    And the world continued to live in slavery for 1000 years.

  • Elsewhere
    Elsewhere

    Jehover's got Flaming Balls. *** Snicker ***

    Queer eye for the Straight World, staring Jehover!

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