To Lauralisa

by OrangeBlossom 9 Replies latest jw friends

  • OrangeBlossom
    OrangeBlossom

    Welcome to the board, Lauralisa.

    You've been through so much and I'm glad you found us. You mentioned that your husband got custody or your children. Did you get them back after you left the borg? Just curious.

    Also, concerning depression-I think just being a witness is too much for some people to handle and I have seen sooooo many witnesses affected by depression. There is the constant guilt trip imposed upon those who do not measure up spiritually. I know there are some congregations headed up by some really nice elders that do not try to impose guilt on the regular publishers, but the majority of congregations that I have been in has been just the opposite.

    I think it is especially hard on the men in the congregation that are not MS's or elders. My husband use to leave every meeting with a feeling of being a spiritual loser because he figured that no matter how hard he tried, he would NEVER measure up.

    It is also hard on the sisters with unbelieving mates because they get put in the same boat as the men, because they are now the spiritual head.

    I would love to see just one member of the GB go work a full time job, then come home and get dinner on the table, bathe the kids, finds the socks, shoes, ties, etc. and not only get to the meeting but be prepared. They wouldn't last a week even in their younger days. The only way it works is if you run your household like a gestapo and then your kids will rebel against the borg on their own.

    No thanks! I've had enough guilt put on me to last a lifetime.

    Anyway, welcome.

  • Tina
    Tina

    Hi Ob!
    Thanks for posting this as I welcomed Laura in the survey thread and dont know if she saw it.

    I agree OB,the gb and others live in a distorted reality. They and long-time bethelites wouldn't know what to do in the real world. regards,Tina

  • OrangeBlossom
    OrangeBlossom

    I saw your post, Tina, that's what inspired me.

    OB

  • esther
    esther

    Welcome lauralisa. In the survey thread you said

    I truly adored learning about the doctrinal issues. Almost all universally-held religious beliefs had confounded me - e.g. eternal torture for just about everybody after death, why is there a future resurrection if you (if you got "it" right) were already in heaven, why were we even placed on this planet if we were just going to suffer a whole lot and then die and go off somewhere else (what was the frickin point of that.?) ..... all of these and more questions had always bugged me.

    That is how I felt when I started studying. It all seemed to make more sense than the other religions.

    I am glad that you are happy now, and once again, welcome.

    esther

  • jurs
    jurs

    welcome lauralisa,
    your story touched me too. i'm glad your here. i also came in through the D2D work . i loved the teaching of there being no eternal torture.
    i have met many sisters who suffered from depression as well. No wonder !!! i may have missed it in the thread on what made u leave ?
    i wonder how many people leave because they JUST CAN"T TAKE IT ANYMORE . it breaks my heart to think they may be filled with guilt thinking they left Jah.
    Have u tried calling your Mom? i recall she disowned you. my family disowned me for about a year , maybe more when i became a JW. i called them while still a witness and we had a very tense relationship for another 2 years. now its the best its ever been.
    i'm glad your happy now. it sounds like you've been through alot.
    jurs

  • lauralisa
    lauralisa

    Thank you all for your kind welcome and responses... it touched me deeply to receive your encouragement and feedback. This is a facsinating board, to say the least!

    Orange Blossom, if I had followed all of the advice I'd received at the time of my separation and divorce, I'd probably have no access whatsoever to my kids. Divorce is such a taboo situation among witnesses as I'm sure you are aware; wives stay with incredibly evil abusive jerk-wads and subject themselves and their kids to such misery, people who can't stand each other stay married because of the prohibition against divorce; it's so weird how those in positions of authority in the Borg (my boyfriend explained what that meant to me last night.... AHAH! I said) encourage martyrdom. I read in one of the posts about the sister who, after being stabbed in the back with a knife by her opposing mate, went ahead anyway to the meeting because SHE HAD A TALK. Then she went to the hospital to get the two-inch deep stab wound treated. My heart sank reading that one.... and they praise crap like this?????? Yes, Jehovah hates a divorce, but who doesn't? I also hate paying taxes, going to the dentist, and lies.

    I carefully worked with the situation I was in so as to avoid alienating my ex completely. We now work together in a spirit of cooperation and love for our children, and while I don't have "custody" of them, I have unlimited access, speak to them every day, see them whenever I want, and my ex and I are actually better friends now than we ever were. He provides for them materially in ways I could not possibly achieve; he lives in a huge place in the middle of a vast wooded acreage, they go to amazing schools, have full-time live in help, etc. I live in a rowhouse in the middle of an east coast city and barely make ends meet. I honestly feel they are in a better situation there than if they were with me. I was always regarded as some kind of sick freak because I didn't pull every legal stunt possible and yank them around and become enemies with their father and.... all because I refused to do the martyr thing. (He is a good father too.)

    Tina, esther and jurs.... depression, and I mean chronic, debilitating clinical depression, is rampant among witnesses, both male and female. Denial and stigma are the overiding principles that permeate just about everything that somes out in the magazines. So many of the friends have euphenistic maladies... chronic fatigue, fybromyalgia (sp?) that weird yeast thing- to name just a few - which are just other ways IMO of being depressed but not having to call it that.

    They just pioneer and "rely on Jehovah". It doesn't matter anyway; you are SUPPOSED to hate this system. It's a perpetuating cycle that for some of us is a reality we cannot exist within. I've seen egregious and flagrantly abusive people in the many congregations I've been involved with just go on unchecked leaving behind them an enormous wake of damage, because their behavior is dismissed due to their "imperfect human" status. It makes me sick. (But if you go on a "date" with someone without a chaperone.... whoa..... you are suddenly "bad association")

    jurs, I decided years ago to avoid people who were toxic and hateful. Some things are just not good for you - chemical spills, bacteria, eating moldy cheese - so you avoid them. Some people are not good for you either - sometimes it's difficult to determine why, but you just know that you feel "sick" after an encounter with them. My parents were evil, managed to drive my two other siblings to suicide, and almost me. My mom is dead and I did not go to her funeral nor have I grieved the "loss" for one minute. I have not talked to my father in probably seven years and would not let him within ten miles of my children. (My ex-husband is in total agreement with me on this.) I am not a cold, heartless bitch; I simply refused to lie to myself and maintain the status quo for appearances' sake.

    Last summer I realized that the meetings and conventions and such (field service - I always felt like I'd been kidnapped!!!) were having the same affect on me. Since I've stopped subjecting myself to this continuous "mind-f**k" there has been a freedom to heal. I do, however, almost constantly wonder how I can worship Jehovah; it's been so pounded into my head that there is ONE identifiable organization....... I do not disavow the doctrinal issues I learned, but could simply not continue believing that Jehovah approves of so much of the blatant, corrupt crap that goes on in the "society" - the same crap that is so vividly detailed by articulate and courageous people who contribute to this board......

    I guess that's why I started reading things here on this site. I would be very interested to hear how any of you manage any feelings you have about whether you are still able to worship Jehovah and how do you do that?

    thanks again for your warm gestures and remarks.

    lauralisa

    It's just water.... it's just water from a stranger's tear
    (Peter Gabriel)

  • its_my_life2001ca
    its_my_life2001ca

    I too was a door to door baby and welcomed what I heard, I wanted to get into paradise and escape from an unhappy home life. The brotherhood appealed to me and filled the void. I also bought the line about putting up with one another's weaknesses and for the most part I could do so but many congregations are like dysfunctional families.Many times I longed to have just one good friend that I could open up to, do spur of the moment things with, someone to bounce ideas off. No one has time for anyone else and personal pursuits must always come after meetings, service, work and family, which of course left no time.When your book study conductor said they missed you at saturday field service, what they really meant was why weren't you out? Did you have a good reason? You'd feel like a pagan if you said you needed time for you.When things were going well for my husband and I, we were invited out often, as my hubby was very generous (maybe to a fault). However, due to some business dealings we lost much of what we had including association with some of the brothers and sisters as we no longer had anything to offer them. I began to feel more and more alienated from the congregation and dreaded going to meetings on my own, because I no longer felt The love that was supposed to bond us. A few years ago, I also went through a depression which is horrifying because you know it's there but feel helpless to fight it. The elders advice was service, study and meetings.Having done that for 30 years, I knew more was needed. The next thing you know, they'll claim it's the cure for cancer. My only comfort in these difficult times besides my husband has been the knowledge that Jehovah understands my circumstances ans where I'm coming from, I will leave my fate in his hands and will now allow "his appointed servants" to destroy my faith in him in spite of their adhering to the rules but missing the spirit of his laws just as the religious leaders of Jesus' day did. Leaving has been been difficult in that it takes time to make new friends to fill the void and to pursue interests in other things without the guilt.

  • jurs
    jurs

    hi and welcome its my life !!!
    Lauralisa, glad your out of those toxic relationships!!!
    i wonder if people who get suckered to come in through the D2D work are ones predisposed to abuse. i grew up in a dysfunctional family (my mom is mentally ill). a crazy upbringing !!!! i married an abusive man. when the JW's showed up they seemed so perfect. i wanted a leave it to beaver family and they had info on how i could have a "happy family life". Bull Crap!!!
    any how my point is , JW's seem to only convert people when they are in a fragile state.
    Lauralisa u said you cannot disavow the docternal issues. why not??? my advice to u is RESEARCH the org. on the net there are countless sources. read up !! crisis of concience by ray franz is excellent.. THE GREATEST HEALING for me was to see the org is not the true religion. at first i was afraid to research because i thought i might find out they really are. i didn't want any more guilt. but then i changed my mind and went for it. its devasting to have your spiritual foundation ripped out from underneath u. everything u thought u knew , you no longer are sure of. BUT then tears of joy. i then felt ELATED that this wasn't Jah's org , in fact they are much like the Pharisees. i love math 11:28. its beautiful.
    i worship Jah by reading my bible without watchtower bible aids. i PRAY, I love Jah with my whole heart soul and mind and i love my neighbor as my self. i won't shun them even if they shun me. i've gone to the methodist church twice. i want to participate in communion. i chose that church because the pastor studied with witnesses before she became a pastor. everyone can participate in communion, u don't have to be a member. but mostly i go ther because it seems like a NORMAL church. i don't think it matters where people go or even if they do go to a organized religion. jurs

  • jurs
    jurs

    once again i apologize for my posting. i hit send without proof reading. i hope u can make sense out of what i wrote. jurs

  • Mulan
    Mulan

    Jurs, did you know you can edit your post? On the right, there are little graphics, of papers, and the first one is the edit link. You can go back in and fix things.

    Lauralisa, you have really been through a lot. I applaud you for your attitude, and your survival. It's so nice that you and your ex are on good terms, and it sounds like their home is an amazing place.
    Welcome to this board. As to worshipping Jehovah, many of us here, have sort of lost our faith, but it can be recovered too. Just realize that the JW version of worship is not what God requires. He is a loving God, and can't expect so much of us, if he is really loving. I stopped calling him Jehovah long ago, because that is not my God. Now I call him God, or Father, if anything. Maybe that will help to get rid of the JW connection too.

    Marilyn (a.k.a. Mulan)

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