NEW YORK?Responding to recent events on Earth, God, the omniscient creator-deity worshipped by billions of followers of various faiths for more than 6,000 years, angrily clarified His longtime stance against humans killing each other Monday.
Look, I don't know, maybe I haven't made myself completely clear, so for the record, here it is again," said the Lord, His divine face betraying visible emotion during a press conference near the site of the fallen Twin Towers. "Somehow, people keep coming up with the idea that I want them to kill their neighbor. Well, I don't. And to be honest, I'm really getting sick and tired of it. Get it straight. Not only do I not want anybody to kill anyone, but I specifically commanded you not to, in really simple terms that anybody ought to be able to understand."
Worshipped by Christians, Jews, and Muslims alike, God said His name has been invoked countless times over the centuries as a reason to kill in what He called "an unending cycle of violence."
"I don't care how holy somebody claims to be," God said. "If a person tells you it's My will that they kill someone, they're wrong. Got it? I don't care what religion you are, or who you think your enemy is, here it is one more time: No killing, in My name or anyone else's, ever again."
The press conference came as a surprise to humankind, as God rarely intervenes in earthly affairs. As a matter of longstanding policy, He has traditionally left the task of interpreting His message and divine will to clerics, rabbis, priests, imams, and Biblical scholars. Theologians and laymen alike have been given the task of pondering His ineffable mysteries, deciding for themselves what to do as a matter of faith. His decision to manifest on the material plane was motivated by the deep sense of shock, outrage, and sorrow He felt over the Sept. 11 violence carried out in His name, and over its dire potential ramifications around the globe.
"I tried to put it in the simplest possible terms for you people, so you'd get it straight, because I thought it was pretty important," said God, called Yahweh and Allah respectively in the Judaic and Muslim traditions. "I guess I figured I'd left no real room for confusion after putting it in a four-word sentence with one-syllable words, on the tablets I gave to Moses. How much more clear can I get?"
"But somehow, it all gets twisted around and, next thing you know, somebody's spouting off some nonsense about, 'God says I have to kill this guy, God wants me to kill that guy, it's God's will,'" God continued. "It's not God's will, all right? News flash: 'God's will' equals 'Don't murder people.'"
Worse yet, many of the worst violators claim that their actions are justified by passages in the Bible, Torah, and Qur'an.
"To be honest, there's some contradictory stuff in there, okay?" God said. "So I can see how it could be pretty misleading. I admit it?My bad. I did My best to inspire them, but a lot of imperfect human agents have misinterpreted My message over the millennia. Frankly, much of the material that got in there is dogmatic, doctrinal BS. I turn My head for a second and, suddenly, all this stuff about homosexuality gets into Leviticus, and everybody thinks it's God's will to kill gays. It absolutely drives Me up the wall."
God praised the overwhelming majority of His Muslim followers as "wonderful, pious people," calling the perpetrators of the Sept. 11 attacks rare exceptions.
"This whole medieval concept of the jihad, or holy war, had all but vanished from the Muslim world in, like, the 10th century, and with good reason," God said. "There's no such thing as a holy war, only unholy ones. The vast majority of Muslims in this world reject the murderous actions of these radical extremists, just like the vast majority of Christians in America are PO'd over those two bigots on The 700 Club."
Continued God, "Read the book: 'Allah is kind, Allah is beautiful, Allah is merciful.' It goes on and on that way, page after page. But, no, some "Idiots'' have to come along and revive this stupid holy-war crap just to further their own hateful agenda. So now, everybody thinks Muslims are all murderous barbarians. Thanks, Taliban: 1,000 years of pan-Islamic cultural progress down the drain."
God stressed that His remarks were not directed exclusively at Islamic extremists, but rather at anyone whose ideological zealotry overrides his or her ability to comprehend the core message of all world religions.
"I don't care what faith you are, everybody's been making this same mistake since the dawn of time," God said. "The Muslims massacre the Hindus, the Hindus massacre the Muslims. The Buddhists, everybody massacres the Buddhists. The Jews, don't even get me started on the hardline, right-wing, Meir Kahane-loving Israeli nationalists, man. And the Christians? You people believe in a Messiah who says, 'Turn the other cheek,' but you've been killing everybody you can get your hands on since the Crusades."
Growing increasingly wrathful, God continued: "Can't you people see? What are you, morons? There are a ton of different religious traditions out there, and different cultures worship Me in different ways. But the basic message is always the same: Christianity, Islam, Judaism, Buddhism, Shintoism... every religious belief system under the sun, they all say you're supposed to love your neighbors, folks! It's not that hard a concept to grasp."
"Why would you think I'd want anything else? Humans don't need religion or God as an excuse to kill each other?you've been doing that without any help from Me since you were freaking apes!" God said. "The whole point of believing in God is to have a higher standard of behavior. How obvious can you get?"
"I'm talking to all of you, here!" continued God, His voice rising to a shout. "Do you hear Me? I don't want you to kill anybody. I'm against it, across the board. How many times do I have to say it? Don't kill each other anymore?ever! I'm really serious!"
Upon completing His outburst, God fell silent, standing quietly at the podium for several moments. Then, witnesses reported, God's shoulders began to shake, and He wept.
(A CUT AND PASTE FROM "THE ONION")
God Wants to Clear Up a Misunderstanding On Killing Your Neighbor!!!
by frankiespeakin 5 Replies latest watchtower bible
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frankiespeakin
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maybesbabies
Great satire, very true! When, as a dub, they had us read that red book on other religions, to illustrate how they were all "wrong", the thing that I got out of it was how strikingly similar the core message was. Love...duh! It's so simple, yet it's one of the most difficult things to do. Turn the other cheek? Surprising how hard that can be. Love your enemy? Wow, it feels almost against human nature. Yet, it makes me think. It is something that I want in my life, to respond to all things with love and compassion, but it's a work in progress.
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frankiespeakin
May,
I find it hard to understand where to draw the line, I think it is working on how you veiw people and how you feel for them,,sometimes we have all these conflicting feeling and it is hard to make the best decission,, at least that's my experince.
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Snapdragon
This is good satire. But it is moving as well.
It all became clear when you said it was from the Onion. We're quite proud of our little satirical news paper, here in Madison.
Thanks Frankie.
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Flip
God says, "...my bad"?
LoL
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Carmel
Frankie, consider the following:
Creating a Climate of Religious Tolerance Statement submitted to the 48th session of the United Nations Commission on Human Rights
Geneva, Switzerland
February-March 1992In the view of the Bahá'í International Community, Mr. Angelo Vidal d'Almeida Ribeiro, the Special Rapporteur, has prepared an excellent report. His work in bringing to light situations of religious intolerance and in recommending appropriate social responses and initiatives has been extremely valuable. We wish to take this opportunity to express our sincere hope that the Commission will renew his mandate, scheduled to expire this year.
Mr Ribeiro emphasizes not only the manifestations of religious intolerance, but their underlying causes. Bahá'ís have long shared the belief expressed in his last year's report to the commission that "more determined effort should be made at all levels to combat attitudes of discrimination or intolerance, especially when they have deep historic and cultural roots." The creation of a climate of religious tolerance is a challenge that faces religious leaders, educators, the media, and government officials especially.
Many believers find it difficult to reconcile deep religious conviction with tolerance of other beliefs. It is tempting to insist that one has discovered the one and only truth and to relegate the remaining masses of humanity, adhering to other beliefs, to the status of apostates or unbelievers, spiritually doomed, deserving pity at best, or outright ridicule and persecution at worst. Throughout history too many sincere people in every part of the world have fallen victim to this thinking.
In the Bahá'í view, such attitudes are, in part, the product of ignorance. If other religions are shrouded in mystery, then they become an empty vessel into which the individual is attempted to pour fears and fantasies. Experience shows that ignorance breeds superstition and perpetuates religious prejudice and animosity.
The effectiveness of any individual grows as he is taught to appreciate through the exercise of his own faculties, the way in which diversity of faith enriches social life. Bahá'u'lláh urges the right of the individual to freely investigate truth for himself as a principle essential to the advancement of civilization. In order to exercise this capacity fully, however, one must be able to read. One great value of literacy, therefore, is the access it gives ordinary people to the scriptures of their own faith as well as to the sacred texts of other faiths.
The most powerful remedy for religious superstition and contention is an examination of the original teachings of the founders of the world's great faiths. No student of comparative religion can fail to be struck by the extraordinary degree of harmony to be found in these original scriptures. Certainly, a fair-minded examination of these principal sources for the civilizing of human nature will reveal nothing to support the animosities that pit one religious community against another.
Lamentably, some sectarian leaders discourage investigation of other beliefs and even dissuade their followers from fully investigating the truth of their own religious teachings. Such attitudes foster prejudice, and lead, all too often, to violent attacks on believers of other faiths. Indeed, one of the strangest and saddest features of the current outbreak of religious fanaticism is the extent to which, in each case, it is undermining not only the spiritual values which are conducive to the unity of mankind but also those unique moral victories won by the particular religion it purports to serve.
Bahá'u'lláh taught that the primary purpose of religion is to "establish unity and concord amongst the people of the world." Governments, NGOs, and citizens' groups who are struggling to mobilize a common response to the various crises afflicting our world have the right to expect from religious leadership a similar willingness to sacrifice dogmas and sectarian interests that inhibit the mobilization of humanity's spiritual resources.
In conclusion, Mr. Chairman, the Bahá'í International Community wishes to thank Mr. Ribeiro for continuing to urge governments to protect, through constitutional and legal means, the rights of their citizens to freedom of religion and belief. At the same time, we warmly endorse his call for efforts to promote greater understanding of this right among the general populace, particularly through inter-faith dialogues and through systematic efforts by the Centre for Human Rights to get accurate information to the media and into the curriculum of schools and universities.
The Bahá'í International Community is confident -- because of its experience in bringing together in harmony members of nearly every religion and culture on earth -- that even deeply rooted religious prejudices melt away in an environment of humility, compassion, and an earnest search for truth.
BIC Document #92-0210
CarmelRELATED SITES: The Bahá?í World Bahá?í World News Service One Country Copyright 2002.
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