Seraphim Nervously Welcome Timothy McVeigh to Heaven
(METROPOLITAN WHITE THRONE OF JUDGMENT)
Inhabitants of Heaven put down their lyres and Danish, reacting with both surprise and alarm when American terrorist Timothy McVeigh appeared before them at 29:14 HT on Monday. "You could have heard an angel dancing on a pin drop," recalled spirit and former-rapist Jerry Williams. According to well-placed sources, both seraphim and former-humans had watched the Timothy McVeigh trial and execution with rapt attention. "We were all on tenterhooks wondering which way this one would go," said spirit and former-axtress Lizzy Bordon.
"The rule up here is that if you ask for forgiveness and accept Jesus just before dying, no matter how many people you killed, you get in. So, basically, Heaven is chock full of hideous people who have no positive attributes – except an exemplary sense of timing." Spirit and former-dictator Josef Stalin ruefully observed as Mr. McVeigh was given complimentary feather-care products and promotional coupons by an angelic welcoming committee, "I don't know why everyone is making such a fuss. I killed a lot more people than that amateur. In fact, next to God, I hold the record up here – check the board."
This comment elicited a vociferous challenge from spirit and former-fuehrer Adolph Hitler, leading Archangel Michael to send the former-heads-of-state to separate cumulonimbus to cool off. "Well, I don't like speaking ill of the newly dead," said spirit and former-kidnapper Giovanni Garibaldi, "and I'm not getting holier-than-thou – even though I obviously am or I wouldn't be here – but it makes me nervous to have all these mass-murderers up here. True, they can't kill the dead, which may be God's perverse idea of punishment, but it's not as if they are otherwise pleasant to be around. And someone like Timothy McVeigh, who doesn't strike me as being the sharpest knife in the drawer, can cause a lot of annoyance up here trying to kill people. It could be 800 years before he realizes the futility of it.
I mean, I don't want to go to the mailbox outside of my mansion in the God's Glory every morning wondering if there is a pipe bomb in there. No, I can't die, but feathers singe and take a millennium – I timed it – to grow back." Illustration by Steve Hogan exclusively for Mrs. Betty Bowers When reached on the east terrace of her lovely Atlanta mansion for comment, Mrs. Betty Bowers, America's Best Christian, opined: "I have it on the very Best Authority, that the informed consensus in Heaven was that the rather odious Mr. McVeigh would never actually ask for forgiveness, thus ensuring a quick dispatch straight to Hell. I and other True Christians™ greeted with great alarm the surprising news from Rev. Ron Ashmore in Terre Haute, Indiana that Mr. McVeigh had asked for forgiveness and last rites.
Yakki Da
Kent
"The only difference between God and Adolf Hitler is that God is more proficient at genocide."
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