Kent, I doff my hat. Might even bow, but you know the old obeisance thing is a no-no.
This is an absolutely brilliant piece of writing that I just didn't want to get buried--I'd love to have dinner and Glenfiddych with the author; never mind that Viking stuff that passes for beer. Ah, Morningside Heights ...
Insight with humor is so very powerful. In it we recognize truth.
Thanks for exposing nonsense with facts in a couple of posts today. When you do that, you rule.
From Maximus,
With Love
_________________
Welcome to Kent’s Hotline, your regular stop for advice to help you lead a happier and more productive existence as a cog in the New World Order. We will now take a user-friendly look at a problem plaguing many an undergraduate:
being followed.
Bear in mind, dear sweet impressionable reader, that there are several different scenarios of being followed in which you may find yourself. Hence, there is no great and wonderful catch-all solution for your feeble mind to depend on. We'll start with the basics.
If you begin to notice a lot of large black luxury sedans with tinted windows everywhere you go, chances are something is up. Now, this could be one of several situations, so look for other clues. Clothing can be an important clue, and we all know what a JW elder looks like. They’re not the ones we will study here.
1) If these mysterious onyx autos are often accompanied by the sounds of lamenting violins, the mafia is most likely keeping tabs on you for one reason or another.
2) If, instead, you observe an excess of neatly-dressed middle-aged men wearing sunglasses who seem to have a constant earwax problem that they cannot help but attend to in public, you are being tracked by the FBI or one of its sister organizations.
3) If you see theocratic-dressed persons on every corner trying to "place" Watchtowers and Awake! - something is up. If old Ted has scared his salesmen to go out in the streets, expect some "New Light" - but there is no immediate danger.
"But Kent," you protest, "I don't have big expensive cars following me. All I'm worried about are the phone calls to my room at all hours and the flyers left outside my door. What about that?"
Well, shut your pie-hole, we're getting to that. Now go make us a sandwich. So, you were a little over-zealous on activities day, signing up for as much as possible. Maybe even reading the website “Wake Up America”. Hey, maybe you were worried about finding enough friends to distract you from the inevitable entropy that is a Columbia education. Now look at the mess you've gotten yourself into.
While most clubs will leave you alone after you disregard that first e-mail or information session, there is one organization to be wary of: the ILLUMINATI. Now you've got a group of friends for life. The only way to get them to leave you alone is to engage one of the members in a debate where you expound on the benefit of using the death penalty on retarded children who are only just taking up space anyway. If you don't deal with them soon, you'll find yourself knee-deep in unwashed Socialist couch-surfers.
Of course, you may be lucky. You might only have to worry about being followed by one person. This could be a good old-fashioned stalker, a creepy Hitchcockian stranger, a JW elder who is looking for biblical reasons for divorce, or a private detective. If it's either of the last two, you are on your own. I don't want to get involved. These folk are professionals, members of unions or God’s own Organization, and usually quite adept at whatever it is they're doing. In fact, if you've noticed their presence, then it's already too late for you. You’re DOOMED!
Moving on. So, you've deduced that what you have is in fact an old-fashioned unprofessional stalker. This species is found to be quite common on urban college campuses. Consider it a compliment that someone would take the time not only to notice you, but to commit to memory your every move and habit.
Now that you've learned to appreciate your stalker, it is time to lose them. There are a few basic lengths you can go to. First, invest in disguises. Anything will do, but try to stay away from the type that draw attention, such as a pirate, a clown, or a Tele-Tubby, as they are counterproductive to your cause.
Next you should take your name out of the directory and have your mail forwarded to a P.O. Box in Chinatown. Of course, if you find your new "friend" is still following you around, resort to the most failsafe tactic ever: make a habit of taking leisurely strolls through Morningside Park at one in the morning, pretending to be a publisher. Carry the Watchtower and Awake! clearly visible. While this may not deter your stalker, it will increase your chances of getting him killed. You just claim to be persecuted, scream your heart out about religious persecution, human rights, whatever. That usually works.
Of course, there are several other brands of being followed out there, and everyone needs advice as to how to identify and avoid them. However, we cannot possibly cover all of them here. The guys from Pentagon, The guys in trenchcoats and dark glasses watching you in the store, suddenly pretending to be interested in a can of Rotel tomatoes when you turn toward them – the ones following COMF these days, I can’t cover them here. If you see them often, you might consider seeing a shrink.
Just a few others worth mentioning: If you find that you are being followed by a pack of wild dogs, resort to the good old Hood-style of fence hopping. Getting enough tall partitions between you and the rabid beasts as quickly as possible is crucial to your survival. In a related situation, if you find that you are being followed by a steady stream of blood every where you go, see a doctor immediately.
Well, that's my advice for this month. Check me out next time for more handy advice you just can't live without. Who knows, we might finally tell you where we hid your medication.