Let me know what you think

by New Castles 2 Replies latest jw friends

  • New Castles
    New Castles

    Hey everyone,

    whats up? I havent been posting like I did in the beginning but thats because things are a little busy here at work. I have been trying to get into writing for some time, thinking I might make into a career if I can get good enough. I have noticed that i right more with the right motivation. So Im posting the beginning to a story I have written in hopes that I can get some constructive criticism. If I get a positive response, I'll post the rest of it. Well here goes, please tell me what you think



    Annoying as it may seem, life just has too many choices. There are options for everything. You couldn?t drink coffee without first spending at least twenty minutes deciding which flavor would go well with which creamer. As a matter of fact, choice had become excessive in our society, to the point where nothing was simple anymore. Not even choosing your next victim. Ray thought of this as he watched her approach her car. She was beautiful in a conservative manner. Never showed too much, left it up to the imagination. Ray, of course, had seen her with no clothing. She hadn?t noticed him at the window while she bathed, but he was there, and it was there he had chosen her. See his choice had to be flawless, perfect in body and spirit. He had already decided she had the right state of mind, the right personality. As he had watched her bathe, he?d taken in her physical perfection and had smiled, happy to have finally made the right choice. She started her car and pulled out of the parking lot. Ray started his and followed, with some distance to not draw attention. He had gone over the plan dozens of times. He knew her street and her house. He knew the quickest escape route in case things stepped out of plan. He even knew the inside of her house, having visited it many times while she worked.

    She had entered her house now and Ray waited for the right moment. He watched as the lights of the house came on. One for every room she entered. He closed his eyes and imagined her entering and taking off her shoes at the front door. She would drop her bag on the sofa and pad into the kitchen to put on her tea and review her mail. She would put dinner into the microwave and head upstairs to change. Ray opened his eyes and her bedroom light came on. Smiling he closed them again and imagined her stripping and jumping in the shower. This was the moment, he had to act fast. He examined his reflection in the rear view mirror and headed for the front door. He could not let this moment pass; she had to be vulnerable and wet. Another requirement. He rang the doorbell and waited patiently, with his heart beginning to pound.

    He could hear her coming down the steps. His hands would not shake, but sweat surfaced over his brow. This had to be done right. Suddenly the door flew open.

    ?Ray. What are you doing here?? her voice stunned him for a second, and he drew back observing her. She had thrown on a bathrobe and her hair and the nape of neck were still wet. Perfect.

    ?It happened, Dana.? Her look suddenly turned from skeptical to one of sympathy.

    ?I?m so sorry, Ray?

    ?Its ok, ? he looked completely grief stricken, ?I was just wondering if I could use your phone again.? This was the key, the moment of truth. Dana looked up and down her street and back at Ray.

    ?Ok, but only for a minute because I?m getting ready to go out.? She held her bathrobe tightly and held the door open for him. He knew she was lying, she had no plans. It was her instinct and that made Ray nervous. He shuts the door behind him as she moves toward the phone in the living room. He decides it cannot wait any longer. He runs up behind and covers her mouth, just in time to catch her scream?.

  • frenchbabyface

    Good start ... More !

  • frenchbabyface

    So he is going to screw her or what ? ... and how ?

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