“What’s up, y’all? Welcome to The Dark Truth, the only show that accurately exposes the tribulations of a black man living in a white world. I’m your host, X X. That’s right, X X. Not only did I not give the white man the pleasure of giving my people a last name, but I also deprived my white father of giving me a first name. I kept my middle name, Woody, because my black mother gave it to me. But I refuse to honor my cracker father with the stupid-ass white boy name that he gave me: Kenyatta.
“On today’s show we are gonna look at the vile, upfront racism in the motion picture industry. This is an entire aspect of American culture that constantly puts down the black man, and convinces him that he’s no good through subtle suggestions and subliminal assaults.
“But first, I’ve got a few questions for ya that show how the white man has used racist propagandas to convince all the brothers and sisters out there that black is bad. First, how come white teeth are considered to be healthy, and black teeth are considered to be rotten? I’ll tell ya why. It’s because the white man has convinced my Nubian compatriots that white is right. That way we all strive for white teeth, and the crackers in turn make fun of us for having black gums and white-ass teeth. It’s all for their pleasure. Ain’t nothing wrong with having black teeth. My uncle, Lester, had the blackest teeth of anyone I’ve ever seen. Looked like little licorice-flavored jellybeans in his head. But that didn’t slow him down one bit. That motherfucker could throw down some Jell-O with the best of ‘em. He didn’t worry about eating no apples. He went straight for the applesauce. That’s thinking. He got the good shit without having to go through the hard shit to get to it.
“Next question: Why is a cup of black coffee only good if you put some white sugar and white cream in it? I’ll tell ya why. It’s because the white man is trying to steal our women. He’s trying to tell our women, ‘Sure, you can take it black. But it’s gonna be bitter and unpleasant. You gotta put some white in that black to make it sweet and tasty.’ What kind of bullshit is that?
“Here’s a related question: How come white salt makes your food better, but black pepper just makes you sneeze? I’ll tell ya why. It’s because white men don’t want us having their white women. They tell the white women that their bodies love the way the white salt tastes, and the white salt makes everything taste better. But their bodies reject the black pepper, and make them sneeze it out. They’re saying that it ain’t good to have nothing black in you.
“There’s even racism when you die. According to white people, you’re hanging out, chilling in the big black tunnel, but you gotta run to the white light. The big honky light sets you free. So you can go to a white Heaven where everything is peaceful and bliss. Or you can go to a dark, black Hell where everything is tormenting and painful. And it’s hot in Hell, too. The white man’s hell is dark and hot. Can anyone tell me where there might be a hot place on Earth? How about the Dark Continent? That’s right, Africa. It’s dark and hot. The white man is telling us that the Motherland has all of the same characteristics of eternal damnation. Therefore, because we are from the white man’s hell, we must be demons or minions of Satan, the Dark Lord.
“That shows you the evil, manipulative ways of the white man. But we’re not done yet. Now we’re gonna move on to the movie business and show you how the big, pointed, white boot kicks the black man right in the spine every chance it gets.
“We’re gonna start with Bowfinger. This movie is an insult to the entire black population. First of all, it was written by Steve Martin, the whitest man in history. He’s so white that his hair is white too. And it ain’t because of age either. His hair’s been white since before the Jeffersons moved on up.
“And in this movie, Eddie Murphy plays two roles: one of a strong, black actor who’s the biggest star on the planet, and the other of his stupid brother who runs the errands for the white moviemaker played by Steve Martin. Of course, the movie is named after the white moviemaker. Can’t name it after a brother.
“You’d think that the honky moviemaker would be happy having his little Uncle Tom errand boy running around getting his coffee and shit, but no. He wants the strong, black actor. He’s gotta have all the black folks working for him. So he lies and sneaks around just like a white boy would do, and tricks the strong, black actor into being in his movie.
“And I know what you’re thinking: ‘But X, isn’t it good enough that there’s at least one strong brother in the movie?’ Hell no. Why? Because the strong, black actor is a fucking schizophrenic! Not only that, but he starts believing everything the white folks are telling him. That cracker, Martin, wants us to believe that if you ain’t hearing voices, you need to be following white folks around like a good, little houseboy. That just shows the level of white supremacy in Hollywood.
“Next movie: Mystery Men. You don’t have to look too hard to see this. A clan of scrawny-ass crackers led by an angry Jew, Ben Stiller, running around trying to be super heroes. And the only black brother on the team is the invisible one. Message: The only good black man is one you can’t see.
“And don’t tell me that there weren’t any subliminal racist jokes in there. For instance, they do most of their fighting at night. And of course, the black man’s got to be the invisible one; the one you can’t see at night. Very fucking funny. And upon meeting three of the crackers, the black kid tells his father that he’s going to his room with three strange men, and his father doesn’t even respond. Just sitting there watching TV and shit. They’re trying to tell us that all black fathers don’t care about their kids. And the worst of all: the black kid’s got a head full of blonde hair. Look like Dennis Rodman dipped in bleach. According to them, if you ain’t white enough, do what you can to make yourself a little whiter. Bunch of crack-ass crackers!!
“By now, you’re probably wondering why I’m only showcasing movies that didn’t exactly turn out to be huge hits. Well, what the fuck do you expect? I’m a militant black man who does a weekly anti-white show on public access television. I can’t afford to be renting all of those number one blockbusters at the video store. And my part-time job as the press secretary for the Arian Nation doesn’t pay nearly enough. I got to rely on what I find in the dumpster behind Vern’s Video Village and Frozen Yogurt Pagoda. So fuck you!
“That’s it. I’m sick of having to justify myself to all of you white-bred cocksuckers. You don’t want to listen? Fine. I don’t need to take this shit from you people. There’re plenty of other things I could be doing at 4:30 in the morning. I used to be one of the best third shift cooks at Whitey’s Burgers. Whitey himself told me I could come back at any time. He even gave me his prized copy of Barry Manilow’s Swing Street. So don’t think that I wasn’t special to that man!! I’ve listened to that record for at least four hours every day of the past six years, crying my eyes out when I thought of what I left behind. I loved that little, Norwegian cracker. WHITEY! *sob* WHITEY!!! Turn off the camera. Turn it off!!”
Yakki Da
Kent
"The only difference between God and Adolf Hitler is that God is more proficient at genocide."
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