DIVINE GUIDANCE FOR SELECTING A MARRIAGE MATE
“I shall make you have insight and instruct you in the way YOU should go. I will give advice with my eye upon you. 11—PSALM 32:8.
AN AERIALIST catapults from his swinging trapeze, doubles up, and deftly somer-saults in the air. Snapping out of his spin, he extends his arms and is caught by an upside-down trapeze artist from the opposite side. An ice-skating couple glide smoothly together in a rink. Suddenly, the man lifts his partner and thrusts her into the air. She spins, lands gracefully on one skate, and continues cir-cling with him on the ice. Both perfor-mances seem almost effortless. Yet, who would even attempt them without practice, a capable partner, and particularly the right kind of guidance or instruction. Similarly, a good marriage may seemingly just happen. However, it too depends on a good partner, on coordinated effort, and especially on wise counsel. Indeed, proper guidance is essential.
1.What factors are necessary for a good marriage?
It is natural for a young unmarried man or woman to think about a marriage mate—a partner in life. Ever since it was instituted by Jehovah God, marriage of a man and a wom-an has been a normal way of life. But the first man, Adam, did not choose his wife. Jehovah lovingly provided her for him. (Genesis 2:18-24) The first couple were to multiply so that the earth would ultimately be filled with hu-mans. After that first union, marriage ar-rangements were usually made by the parents of the bride and groom, sometimes after gain-ing the consent of those involved. (Genesis 21:21; 24:2-4, 58; 38:6; Joshua 15:16, 17) While arranged marriages are still common in some lands and cultures, many today select their own marriage mate.
2.(a) Who instituted the marital arrangement, and for what purpose? (b) How have some marriage arrangements been made?
How should a marriage mate be selected? Some are influenced by appearance—what they find pleasing and desirable to the eye. Others look for material benefits, for some-one who will take good care of them and who will cater to their needs and wants. But will ei-ther of these approaches alone lead to a hap-py and satisfying relationship? “Charm may be false, and prettiness may be vain,” says Proverbs 31:30, “but the woman that fears Je-hovah is the one that procures praise for her-self.” And therein lies an important point:Take Jehovah into consideration when select-ing a mate.
3.How should a marriage mate be selected?
Loving Guidance From God
Our loving heavenly Father, Jehovah, has provided his written Word to guide us in all matters. He says: “I, Jehovah, am your God, the One teaching you to benefit yourself, the One causing you to tread in the way in which you should walk.” (Isaiah 48:17) It is not sur-prising, then, to find in the Bible time-tested guidelines for selecting a marriage mate. Je-hovah wants our marriages to be lasting and happy. Therefore, he has provided help for us to understand and apply these guidelines. Is that not what we would expect of our loving Creator?—Psalm 19:8.
4.What help does God provide with regard to se-lecting a marriage mate?
When Jehovah instituted the marital ar-rangement, he intended it to be a binding tie. (Mark 10:6-12; 1 Corinthians 7:10, 11) That is why “he has hated a divorcing,” allowing it only on the grounds of “fornication.” (Mala-chi 2:13-16; Matthew 19:9) Therefore, select-ing a marriage mate is one of the most se-rious steps we can take and is not to be viewed lightly. Few decisions have as much potential for happiness or for sadness. While a good se-lection can enrich one’s life and make it sat-isfying, a poor choice can bring no end of sorrow. (Proverbs 21:19; 26:21) For happiness to continue, it is vital to choose wisely and be willing to make a lasting commitment, for God instituted marriage as a partnership that would thrive on harmony and cooperation. —Matthew 19:6.
5.What is vital for lasting happiness in marriage?
Young men and women especially need to be careful that physical attraction and strong impulses do not distort their judgment when they select a mate. Indeed, a relationship founded solely on such factors can quickly erode into disdain or even hatred. (2 Samuel 13:15) On the other hand, enduring love can be cultivated as we get to know our mate and as we better understand ourselves as well. We also need to realize that what is best for us may not be what our heart initially de-sires. (Jeremiah 17:9) That is why the divine guidance found in the Bible is so important. It helps us to discern how we can make the wisest decisions in life. The psalmist rep-resented Jehovah as saying: “I shall make you have insight and instruct you in the way you should go. I will give advice with my eye upon you.” (Psalm 32:8; Hebrews 4:12) While mar-riage can satisfy our inborn need for love and companionship, it also presents challenges requiring maturity and discernment.
6.Why do young men and women especially need to be careful when choosing a mate, and how can they make the wisest decision?
It is the course of wisdom to heed what the Originator of marriage has to say on the matter of selecting a mate. Yet, we may balk when Bible-based counsel is received from parents or from Christian elders. We may feel that they do not fully understand us, and strong emotional desires may push us to fol-low the inclination of the heart. As reality sets in, however, we may regret that we did not heed the wise counsel offered for our good. (Proverbs 23:19; 28:26) We may find our-selves in a loveless marriage, with children we have difficulty caring for and perhaps even with an unbelieving mate. How sad it would be if an arrangement that could have brought us great happiness becomes a source of much distress!
7.Why do some not accept Bible-based counsel about selecting a mate, yet to what could this course lead?
Godly Devotion—A Key Factor
Admittedly, mutual attraction helps to so-lidify a marriage. But values held in common are even more important for a marital union to endure and to produce happiness. Mutu-al devotion to Jehovah God fashions a last-ing bond and promotes unity in a way that no other factor does. (Ecclesiastes 4:12) When a Christian couple center their lives on the true worship of Jehovah, they are united spiritu-ally, mentally, and morally. They study God’s Word together. They pray together, and that unifies their hearts. They accompany each other to Christian meetings and work togeth-er in the field ministry. All of this helps to forge a spiritual bond that draws them closer to each other. Even more important, it results in Jehovah’s blessing.
8.How does godly devotion help a marriage to en-dure and to bring happiness?
Because of his godly devotion, the faith-ful patriarch Abraham sought to please God when it came time to select a wife for his son Isaac. To his trusted household servant, Abra-ham said: “I must have you swear by Je-hovah, the God of the heavens and the God of the earth, that you will not take a wife for my son from the daughters of the Canaan-ites in among whom I am dwelling, but you will go to my country and to my relatives, and you will certainly take a wife for my son, for Isaac.... [Jehovahl will send his an-gel ahead of you, and you will certainly take a wife for my son from there.” Rebekah proved to be an outstanding wife, whom Isaac dearly loved.—Genesis 24:3, 4, 7, 14-21, 67.
9.What did Abraham do with regard to finding a wife for Isaac, and with what result?
If we are unmarried Christians, godly de-votion will help us to develop qualities that will enable us to meet the Scriptural require-ments of marriage. Among the obligations of husbands and wives are these cited by the apostle Paul: “Let wives be in subjection to their husbands as to the Lord. . . Husbands, continue loving your wives, just as the Christ also loved the congregation and delivered up himself for it... Husbands ought to be loving their wives as their own bodies. . . . Let each one of you individually so love his wife as he does himself; on the other hand, the wife should have deep respect for her husband.” (Ephesians 5:22-33) As we can see, Paul’s in-spired words emphasize the need for love and respect. Complying with this counsel in-volves reverential fear of Jehovah. It requires a wholehearted commitment through both good times and bad. Christians who contem-plate marriage should be able to assume this responsibility.
10.What Scriptural obligations are placed upon husbands and wives?
Deciding When to Marry
Knowing when we are ready to marry is vital. Since this varies from one individual to another, the Scriptures do not stipulate an age. They do show, however, that it is better to wait until we are “past the bloom of youth,” when strong sexual impulses can distort good judgment. (1 Corinthians 7:36) “When I sawmy friends dating and marrying, many in their teen years, it was at times difficult to ap-ply this counsel,” says Michelle. “But I real-ized that the counsel is from Jehovah, and he tells us only what is for our benefit. By wait-ing to marry, I was able to focus on my rela-tionship with Jehovah and to gain some expe-rience in life, which you cannot possibly have in your teenage years. Some years later, I was better prepared to handle the responsibilities as well as the problems that arise in mar-riage.”
11.(a) What counsel about when to marry is giv-en in the Scriptures? (b) What example shows the wisdom of following the. Bible’s counsel recorded at 1 Corinthians 7:36?
Those who hasten to marry while still quite young often find that their needs and desires change as they mature. They then re-alize that the things they initially found desir-able are no longer so important. One young Christian had her heart set on getting married when she was 16. Her grandmother got mar-ried at that age, as did her mother. When a young man she was interested in declined to marry her at that time, she chose someone else who was willing to do so. Later on in life, though, she greatly lamented her rash deci-sion.
12.Why is it wise not to rush into marriage while young?
13 When contemplating marriage, it is im-portant to have a mature understanding of all that is involved. Premature marriage can bring a host of problems that a youthful cou-ple are likely ill-prepared to handle. They may lack the experience and maturity necessary to deal with the stresses of marriage and the rearing of children. Marriage should be un-dertaken only when we are physically, men-tally, and spiritually ready to take on an en-during partnership.
13.Those who marry prematurely are often lacking in what respect?
Paul wrote that those who marry “will have tribulation in their flesh.” (1 Corinthi-ans 7:28) Problems will arise because there are two distinct personalities, and viewpoints will vary. Because of human imperfection, it may be difficult to fulfill our Scriptural role in the marriage arrangement. (1 Corinthians 11:3; Colossians 3:18, 19; Titus 2:4, 5; 1 Peter 3:1, 2, 7) It takes maturity and spiritual stabil-ity to seek and follow divine guidance so as to settle stressful situations lovingly.
14.What is needed to handle stressful situations in marriage?
Parents can prepare their children for marriage by helping them to understand the importance of following divine guidance. By skillful use of the Scriptures and Christian publications, parents can help their offspring to determine whether they or their prospec-tive mates are ready to make the commitment of marriage.” Eighteen-year-old Blossom thought that she was in love with a young man in her congregation. He was a full-time pioneer minister, and they wanted to get mar-ried. But her parents asked her to wait one year, feeling that she was still too young. Blos-som later wrote: “I am so thankful that I lis-tened to that wise advice. Within the year, I matured some and began to see that this young man did not have the qualities that would make for a good marriage mate. He eventually left the organization, and I es-caped what would have been a disaster in my life. How wonderful to have wise parents whose judgment can be relied on!”
15.What role can parents play in preparing their children for marriage? Illustrate.
‘Marry Only in the Lord’
Jehovah’s direction for Christians is very clear: ‘Marry only in the Lord.’ (1 Corinthi-ans 7:39) Christian parents and their children may be tested in this regard. How so? Young people may wish to get married, but available partners may be lacking within the congrega-tion. At least that is how it seems. There may be fewer available men than women in a cer-tain locality, or there may be no one deemed suitable in the area. A young man who is not a dedicated member of the congregation may show interest in a young Christian woman (or vice versa), and there is pressure to compro-mise on the standards that Jehovah has set. Under such circumstances, it would be good to reflect on the example of Abraham. One way that he maintained his fine relationship with God was by seeing to it that his son Isaac married a true worshiper of Jehovah. Isaac did the same in the case of his son Jacob. This took effort by all involved, but it pleased God and resulted in his blessing.—Genesis 28:1-4.
16.(a) How may Christians be tested as to ‘marry-ing in the Lord’? (b) When tempted to marry an un-believer, on what should Christians reflect?
In a few cases, the unbeliever eventually became a Christian. However, marriages to unbelievers have often proved disastrous. Those unevenly yoked do not share the same beliefs, standards, or goals. (2 Corinthians 6:14) This can have a detrimental effect on communication and on marital happiness. For instance, one Christian woman greatly bemoaned the fact that after an upbuilding meeting, she could not go home and discuss spiritual things with her unbelieving mate. More important, of course, ‘marrying in the Lord’ is a matter of loyalty to Jehovah. When we comply with God’s Word, our hearts do not condemn us, for we are doing what is “pleasing in his eyes.”—l John 3:21, 22.
17.Why is marrying an unbeliever likely to be di-sastrous, and what is the most important reason to ‘marry only in the Lord’?
When marriage is considered, the vir-tue and spirituality of the prospective mate should be of primary concern. A Christian personality, along with love for God and whole-souled devotion to him, is of far greater value than physical attractiveness. Divine approval is enjoyed by those who appreci-ate and fulfill their obligation to be spiritu-ally strong marriage partners. And the great-est strength a couple can achieve comes from mutual devotion to the Creator and full ac-ceptance of his guidance. In this way Jehovah is honored, and the marriage begins on a sol-id spiritual footing that will contribute to an enduring union.
18.When contemplating marriage, to what impor-tant matters should attention be given, and why?
How Would You Answer?
•Why is divine guidance needed to select a good marriage mate?
•How will godly devotion help strengthen the marriage bond?
•How can parents prepare their chil-dren for marriage?
•Why is it important to ‘marry only in the Lord’?