How have other parents coped when they have left/been kicked out of the borg & but their partner/ex-partner still insist that the borg is the Troof & the children have to witness?
Young JW Children with an ex-JW Parent
by catlady 3 Replies latest jw experiences
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Corvin
I am glad you asked. This question is right up my alley.
I have custody of my children, all teens, due to the abuse in their JW mother and stepfather's house. CPS and the courts decided in my favor when I took their hypocritical asses to court.
They have been living with my current wife and I for 8 months now and have been doing much better. They have their own issues with meetings, study, serice and WT hypocricy, therefore it did not take much to ease into deprogramming them.
I started deprogramming them by asking questions about what they were studying. When they would give the pat answer from the Society, I would follow up with a tougher question; a question designed to get them thinking outside the four-walled Watchtower. Before they could get flushed or feel threatened, I would offer that my question is a good one because . . . blah blah blah, and then relate it to something that they can personally relate to; something from their own experiences in dealing with the organization. This seems to work, for they are opening up and questioning things for themselves now, and what's more, they are beginning to think freely without fear. They are beginning to feel safe.
I eased them into the blood issue, the UN issue and the molestation scandal. While they were taken aback at first, but began asking questions.
Next, I sat their mother down to tell her that she is not to insist or force them to go to the meetings when they come to visit. She is not to make them sit and study if they do not want to. She asked why. I presented her with some documentation. She was clearly disturbed, but never once called me an apostate. She did say, however, that no matter what I say, "it is the truth".
Edited to say: (The kids are now able to back up this stand or new policy on meetings and study, that is now officially a matter of free will and the decision to do so has to be because they want to not because they are pressured or threatened, as has been the case, and assert themselves over their mother and stepfather's demands.)
I brought her (their mother) into the org and I am going to be the one to take her out. She is starting to think now.
I may have oversimplified my approach in this post. The thing is that everyone's situation is unique and you have to find what works the best for your circumstances, finding a way to do the least damage while deprogramming your kids, but it is possible. For me, a very calm but DIRECT IN YOUR FACE approach has been working so far. I have gotten very little resistence from the ex. We will see what happens next.
Corvin
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catlady
Hey Corvin,
Thanks for posting, I have been reading your posts & learning about your story with great interest since I discovered this board. Your position sounds very similar to my partner's (he is the one with the JW kids) & he has also recently become active on this board. My partner is trying to take a soft approach with the kids as they are only 7(boy) & 9(girl). They stay with him for 3 weekends out of 4 & half the holidays so their mother has the majority of time with them & has become fanatical since the marital split.
Easter has been a good time to start to introduce the kids to the 'wordly' ways. At the moment they are being offered options, ie, if you want to you can have an Easter egg, it is just chocolate, but if you don't want to that's OK. The kids are also going to be enrolled in some extra-curricular activities & this will be very interesting to see how it goes over with their mum. The boy wants to play soccer & the girl sing & dance so their father will organise for them to do this on the weekends. Their dad has also said that he is quite happy to say bedtime prayers with them & has been doing so when the kids want to. The elder child is very hestiate to do anything that flies in the face of dub doctrine but the younger one seems pretty pliant, he just wants to have fun.
Their birthdays are coming up in May & their Dad is going to celebrate them with a party, presents & cake for the first time ever. The kids were OK when we mentioned this to them as long as it wasn't on the actual day! This is great but I am very concerned that they will feel guilty about this & will feel torn between their parents. Their mother has already said to them their father is apostate & she bets he will even have a birthday party for them (yes, he is that evil!). When my partner picked the kids up last week the mother whispered for a while in the 7yr old's ear - apparently she was saying a prayer to 'protect' the child from his father's wicked ways.
I think that my partner's softly-softly approach with the kids & their JW beliefs is very appropriate & non-threatening but there is no guarantee (or indication) that their Mum will do the same. The kids are still going door-to-door with their Mum even though the little one gets very distressed about this. She gave the children a list of bible lessons to do when they were with us & their dad just left it up to the kids whether they wanted to do them or not - they did a few of them. So he is trying to be balanced & not change things drastically too quickly as he has said to his family, he has not rejected God, just the Witless' teachings.
The ex will probably be an ongoing battle in regards to the JW stuff so I guess we will just have to monitor & regulate the situation for now.
Thanking you for all your helpful posts,
Cat
PS The kids ate the chocolate and sang the national anthem!
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Corvin
That's great. We also want to careful with children when we offer them the choice of violating what they still might feel is bad deep inside. The beliefs are entrenched since birth and could be dangerous if the kid has a crisis of conscience while at the Kingdom Hall with fanatical mom. Easy does it. And my love to you both.
corvin