AS LONG AS YOU CONTROL A PERSON WITH GUILT AND FEAR, YOU CONTROL THEM FOREVER!
On one Judicial Committee I served, we had a young 25 year old man meet with us. He requested the meeting, as is the case almost 100% of the time when it involves the secret 'sin.'. Few, if any JWs are ever caught in the act, so it is the guilt and shame that forces them to confess this 'secret' practice.
When Brother F sat before us, he had a terrible countenance. He almost could not look up and make eye contact. He had not said anything yet, but somehow, I knew he was about to confess a the 'secret sin'.
We opened with prayer and expressed to Jehovah our 'concern' for this young brother and asked for guidance to help him with his troubles and wisdom to help him 'recover' from what was making him feel so miserable. Even our prayer almost seemed to instinctively address what he was about to say to us.
As we concluded the prayer, we then engaged in some pleasantries and light conversation to try and relax Brother F. Then the Chairman asked him what was weighing on his mind and heart, such that he would request to talk to a Judicial Committee. Brother F looked down, almost unable to hold back his tears.
He was married to an attractive young sister about his age. They already had two children, and I think a third on the way. He himself is a handsome young man with a kind and gentle personality. His family seemed happy and they appeared to be a good match for one another. Their children were beautiful and reflected the best qualities of both of them. So what could possibly trouble him so much?
He gathered his strength, and said that this is real hard subject to talk about and admit to. We encouraged him to take his time and not feel we are there to pressure or judge him. [In our minds we felt sincere about this, but I am sure our words provided little comfort to him.]
He finally said, 'Okay, here it is. I am just going to spit it out.' And with that he heaved out the words, "I have been masturbating!" He then sunk his head into his hands, bent over, and started weeping heavily ... and I could see tears and drool dripping down onto his shoes. He wept, and wept, and wept.
Do any of you know the first thing Elders on the JC do when we hear a confession of masturbation? We each immediately stare at one another. Every time I have heard such confessions, that is the very first impulse. Why? You can almost read each of our minds ... "Well, it is not like we have not done that before." And the feeling of wondering how we can possibly judge this young man so troubled with fear and guilt.
Yet we have to act as though we somehow kicked the 'habit' years ago as we grew into Elders. We have to present the 'official' appearance as the Society tells us, that masturbation is an act typical of young men, and when you get 'older' you mature and grow such that you have no problem with it.
Of course once he regained some composure, with a brother giving him Kleenex and a glass of water, we then proceed to ask a 'few' questions. You can guess the type of questions, such as: What is the problem between he and his wife that would make him satisfy himself privately and not with her? [As though somehow a young man has suddenly developed a love for private masturbation over the sexual pleasures to be enjoyed with his young attractive wife.] Then before long we learn that he has used pornography to assist his stimulation and fantasies. We also discovered that his wife is not all that interested in sex, even though they have managed to have two children.
We try to be comforting and consoling and praise the young brother for being open and honest, but of course we need to help 'readjust' his thinking so he can gain the 'victory' over this 'weakness'. We immediately open Watchtower indexes, and find various articles on masturbation. Among these we always manage to find the famous 73Wt QFR that dealt with this issue in-depth.
We read a couple of lines and discuss with Brother F how his failure to gain the victory over masturbation is now leading him into a difficult addiction and causing him to seek more and more thrills, such as using pornography to seek more pleasure ... kind of like a drug addict needing stronger doses to get high. One of the Elders comments from the 73 Wt to Brother F, that if he is not careful, he could keep exciting his sexual appetite so much so, that this could lead to adultery or even worse, homosexuality. Brother F acts alarmed, and expresses surprise and appreciation to know this 'valuable' information. [The truth is, Brother F, like so many JW men, has probably read every article on masturbation that the Society has ever printed, looking for hope and guidance and something truly substantive – but never really seem to find it.]
Brother F seemed very relieved when we told him we will not be taking disfellowshipping action, but there will [of course], need to be a few restrictions; which he at this point is so stressed that he gladly accepts just to get the meeting over with. We then itemize the 'few' restrictions: Brother F will not be asked to give prayer, comment at meetings, or have service meeting parts. We reduce his Theocratic Ministry School talks to No. 2 Bible reading. Of course he is still free to go out in Field Service, and we encourage this strongly as a way to help him increase the flow of Holy Spirit, and keep him from masturbating. [No one ever seems to ask why Field Service and meetings did not prevent him from masturbating in the first place.]
We advise him to draw close to his wife and rekindle his sexual affection for her ... and avoid being alone for long periods of time ... and of course, we promise to check in on him from time to time to see how he is doing ... and invite him to let us know if he has had any relapse. And as a last resort, if he finds himself all alone and under pressure to masturbate, to take a nice long cold shower! [Come on guys, have any of you ever really followed that advice to step into a cold shower to save yourself?]
Do you see the incompetence and psychological harm done here, via Watch Tower teachings? First, Brother F was not really helped beyond getting a temporary feeling of relief from guilt and fear by confessing his 'sin' of masturbation. But the guilt, and repetition will continue ... and the real problems he and his wife have will likely never be addressed as long as they rely on Watch Tower ideology, untrained and incompetent Elders, and fail to get professional counseling.
The sex drive is not caused by bad motivation, sinful nature, or deviance. That would be like saying your need to eat is somehow a sin. [Yes, in the case of criminal conduct, such as rapists and child molesters, it is what the person does with their drive that is the problem], but even here, psychologists and other mental health professionals are studying the causes and treatments and believe that they can treat the criminal aspects.
Our sex drive is driven first by our hormones. Next to our sense of survival and need for food, sex is the most powerful human drive. It is also almost as powerful as fear itself. Yes, it serves a procreative function ... but the need, yes demand, does not stop there ... sex serves as a deep emotional need for validation, intimacy, love, and acceptance. Medical health professionals have long ago debunked any harmful effects from masturbation, except those imposed by rigid religious systems, ignorant parents, or in some cases where the act causes skin abrasions. [In that case, people learn very quickly to improvise ways to prevent physical irritation and create a good experience.]
In the case of Brother F, much more was going on than mere masturbation and use of pornography. His wife's lack of interest in sex should have been a ‘red flag’ to us to refer him to a professional counselor. This would certainly be true if he had talked with a trained pastor in a mainline religion. But no, we did not even know at the time to look closely at this ... and if we had, as we did in one case in another situation, the Elders would not have known how to deal with the wife.
Brother F's wife had sex with him from time to time, enough to get pregnant. But she did not really participate in the union emotionally, such that Brother F felt something lacking in her responses, and did not understand his own feelings of disappointment and rejection. Had they gone to a counselor, she would have eventually faced the problem ... she was molested as a child by a JW Elder, and this was a major root of the problems she was having.
Counselors have told me that for women, molestation seems to lead to either promiscuity or more commonly difficulty in being totally open and trusting with their husbands during sex ... and feeling 'guilty' about taking pleasure in it. In many molestation cases, a girl will not totally emotionally develop more than two years beyond when the molestation ended, and this often hurts their marriages later in life.
When the Watch Tower religion comes along to influence JWs in their unique view of sex, masturbation, marital choices as to methods of coitus, and the ever present fear of going overboard and succumbing to Satan's influences ... then it is real hard to be fully human and enjoy sex to its full potential. The Watch Tower Society has often admitted that 'Sexual Sins' are the most common among Jehovah's Witnesses. Out of the 50,000 to 60,000 or more each year who get disfellowshipped, they have openly stated that the 'vast' majority are of a sexual nature. Why could this be the case? Because 'Sex' is among the most legislated acts within their religion. Look at the Elder's manual, Shepherd's of the Flock, and see for your self. Or look into the Watchtower Index on the topic of sex, marriage, dating, being alone with the opposite sex, masturbation, etc. The Watch Tower religion has in this way done one of the greatest disservices to people it possibly could.
The guilt and frustration felt within that religion, in my opinion, is likely the chief cause of JWs, especially young people, getting into sexual trouble. If the Society would back off from teaching anything about this to young people, and bring in trained therapists and psychologists to teach the parents how to work with their young people, they could end [or at least greatly reduce] the overwhelming number of sexual problems within their religion within a few years.
When people leave the JWs, this area of tension and frustration can often simmer down and balance out on its own ... but if there is continued guilt and fear over this subject, a good mental health professional can do wonders. I do not mean seeking a 'Dr. Ruth' type of counselor, but well trained and experienced professionals who can help a person understand the serious psychological harm they received from the Watch Tower and how to gain a healthy and wholesome view of sex, intercourse, coitus, orgasm, pleasure, and love within the sexual union.
These words will be easier to say, deal with and communicate about without feeling shame, embarrassment or having giggle fits. When we have these types of emotional reactions to talking about sex, or saying penis, vagina, foreplay, etc., ... this may be a signal that we have some hidden hang-ups. [*Note: H20 censored out my use of the word 'penis'.] See what I mean!
And if we feel extreme guilt, shame, loss of Holy Spirit, God's disapproval, fear that masturbating caused one to fall victim to 'apostate' literature and reasoning, then we may have serious “red flags” that suggest the 'cultish' aspect of Watch Tower life has ruined one of the most important, necessary, beautiful, good, and fulfilling and fun features of being human ... sexual union.
Masturbation will not cause blindness, warts, sexual dysfunction, homosexuality, or other sexual deviancy. Masturbation is something that people do from time to time depending on hormones, needs, and other factors ... and should not cause any guilt or fear in and of itself ... it could be a symptom of other things that need attention ... but they are issues that mental health professional are trained to deal with.
I wish I could go back and sit again on these Judicial Committees and provide the information I now have to those who suffered so much from the guilt and fear they have because they masturbated. I wish I could let them know that God does not condemn them, that they are good normal and healthy people who are not bad and deviant ... but can relax, and enjoy life and enjoy sex ... yes, within bounds, [and the average adult has enough common sense to understand good social boundaries ... and keep such acts from being a problem] ... and end the guilt, shame, pain, and fear ... and keep smiling. :^) ---
What about Controlling JWs with Fear? While I cannot prove my suspicion about this, I nevertheless, feel that somehow the WTS uses sex and their legalistic controls on it to keep JWs in submission. The ever-presence of guilt and fear looming in the back of one’s mind creates a never ending dependence on the source of the guilt, and a constant, even subconscious, struggle to cope with such artificial guilt and fear. It thus becomes a mechanism, a tool, that can be easily manipulated by religious leaders, much the way abusive husbands, or pimps are able to manipulate and control the women in their lives.
I believe that on of the first things an ex-JW should do is face and deal with these fears, understand the warped thinking of the source [The WTS religion in most cases] get professional counseling where the problem persists, and learn to live life more open and freely, while maintaining common sense balance. Once this transition can take place, it can greatly reduce stress and doubts about oneself in all sorts of areas, and can perhaps lead to a speedy healing process. – Amazing