?The Bible ? The King James Version? is quite a publishing phenomenon. Its initial release was during the reign of King James, a noted historical figure who would not be allowed into most Western homes today, as he was known for not taking baths more than once a month. To date, more copies of this book have been published and given to young kids by well-meaning grandparents than any other book in the world ? the Bible ranks right up there with the Q?uran as one of the biggest-selling books of all time.
The Times attempted an interview with one of the manifold authors of this vast historic work, but they did not return our phone calls. Further inquiries revealed that they are in fact dead, which is a sad thing, considering how much cold green cash they could?ve made from syndicated sales.
We?re not quite sure what genre the Bible fits into. Here are some pros and cons for each category ? let the reader use discernment and decide for themselves:
· Science Fiction?
o Pro: Many chapters deal with fiery objects in the sky, supernatural creatures, reincarnation, and other staples of science fiction.
o Pro: Prominent Philip K. Dick-worthy ?God? figure makes many appearances in the text, as well as a host of other supernatural entities who want to control human activities.
o Con: Distinctly ignorant viewpoints on many topics, such as the Flood, Earth?s creation, etc.
· Fantasy?
o Pro: Tolkien-esque length and density of prose ? and as an additional bonus, the entire book was written in an ancient language that nobody speaks anymore.
o Pro: Dragons are mentioned at least once, as well as many other interesting fantasy creatures.
o Pro: Massive battle scenes, reminiscent of The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King.
· Mills & Boone Erotic Fiction/Bodice Ripper?
o Pro: Lots of exciting garment-ripping done by men, especially towards the beginning.
o Con: Only one of the books was written by a woman.
o Con: Vast battles are depicted where women are divided out equally amongst the winners afterwards, a definite no-no in any Mills & Boone book.
o Con: Lack of highly-tanned, long-haired, masculine men wearing tight jeans and promising eternal love.
o Con: No mention at all of any man?s pectoral muscles, another staple of Mills & Boone books.
o Con: Sex scenes are decidedly boring, bordering on the incestuous in some cases.
· Literary Fiction?
o Pro: Large amounts of strife between characters.
o Pro: Bizarre forms of speech and odd idioms abound.
o Con: Writing virtually incoherent in some places, due to the language and culture of the authors.
o Con: Long lists of names somewhat deaden the flow of the text.
o Con: ?Old Testament? style not really relevant in today?s literary world.
· Star Trek Fan-Fiction?
o Con: No mention made of the
o Con: Not enough cool one-piece bodysuits.
o Con: No Romulans.
So it seems that Fantasy, with a grand total of three Pros, is the consensual winner.
The Bible is an absolutely massive book ? the reviewers had to read through it in teams, and some of them made rather pointed remarks about ?feeling like a bunch of frikking bobsledders without any icy tunnels? after the months spent reviewing this monumental literary ?achievement?. Like all very long books, it tends to be patchy in places, especially the parts where entire genealogies are laid down for the reader?s amusement.
Where the Bible excels is in painting a delightfully quaint picture of life in the before the birth of Christ. Few books do this in the immediate, realistic style of the Bible, and we were alternately shocked and stunned by vivid depictions of inter-tribal wars, large-scale foreskin-gathering missions, and the other sordid adventures of the people of long ago. According to the Bible, most of these adventures were instigated at the bequest of God, but a careful reading of the text reveals a deeper, far more telling secret: every time God said something, it was invariably heard by an old man with a beard and a turban, and then relayed to the people as a whole.
This theme is repeated throughout the Bible, which leads us to a better understanding of what the authors were really trying to get across: old dudes can be God, if they can give sufficiently convincing speeches. Abundant evidence of this delightful aspect of human nature exists in today?s world, demonstrated by such luminaries as Jimmy Swaggart and the Pope.
But don?t let the whole ?all-mighty proxy to invisible heavenly testosterone archetype? thing throw you ? the Bible does have some really wonderful bits which make it well worth the price. Here are just a few examples:
· Towards the middle, an ancient Israelite king goes on and on about ?hairy mountain goats?, in what was probably a precursor to the Monty Python movies.
· Completely ridiculous temple ceremonies ? witness various dignified priests waving around bits of grilled lamb in front of huge crowds.
· Bizarre, hallucinatory fantasies, rivalling Stanley Kubrick?s version of ?2001?.
One thing that depressed several reviewers of the Bible was the way that the only guy in the book who says anything halfway worth remembering gets nailed to a tree. However, much to our dismay, we were assured that this was perfectly all right, and that he had really meant for it to happen, and that we should be glad about it.
This just goes to show, humans have unplumbed depths of wackiness that we can sometimes only guess at.