Top-Secret White House Employee Handbook Stolen by Traitorous Liberal Publisher!
Emergency Statement by Landover Baptist Pastor, Deacon Fred
My dear Landover Baptist Church members, I am writing to you today to address a matter of National and Eternal Security. Our President informed me this morning that a turncoat in his administration stole a copy of the White House Inc. Employee Handbook from the White House Cigar Lounge and sold it to some Jewish New York publisher. At first, I thought this was almost too much to believe, but it is true! This indiscreetly "off message" and otherwise enjoyable book has fallen into the hands of the enemy. I am told that copies of it can be found in every major book store in the country! Especially disturbing to True Christians is the fact that this book contains sensitive information that could affect the reputation of our President's cloud dwelling friend, and personal Savior, Jesus Christ!
Sec. 1. Martial law is in effect. Your regular scheduled Constitution and Bill of Rights are being pre-empted, possibly permanently, until such time as all Republican-voting patriots have used the tax rebate money the President is borrowing from their grandchildren to go out and scoop up every last illicit copy of the White House Inc. Employee Handbook, thereby preventing their ever falling into liberal, terrorist-coddling hands and blasting down the carefully-crafted illusion of integrity and competence of this beloved White House of Cards!
Sec. 2. This order is effective on 12:01 a.m. eastern daylight time on February 3, 2004.
Sec. 3. This order has been transmitted to the Congress and published in the Federal Register only with all the sensitive stuff stricken.
PASTOR DEACON FRED
LANDOVER BAPTIST CHURCH,
February 3, 2004.
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On Sale: February 3, 2004
A Plume Original Trade Paperback
Contact: Sarah Melnyk, Publicist