I’m Paul. I was born in Croydon. Have any of you gone voluntarily? It’s a bit like Montego Bay without the bay, food or weather.
Whilst many kids have dreams of getting a scooter, a bike or their internet history cleared, the only dream I have ever had was appearing on Family Fortunes. Every family looked so perfect. I never told my family but I applied every year. I imagined meeting Bob Monkhouse and him asking about my family. So Paul, tell me about your family. Well Bob
Sister – Works in sales and is a full time alcoholic
Next brother – Is a drug addict who has spent half his life in prison. In fact he is due back in next week for a 3 year stretch we thought he would get 6!
Oldest brother – Don’t ask him any questions. Does not talk to anyone but we love him
Mother – Described by counsellor as saddest. It was not until weeks later I realised she meant sadist.
Photo Father was absent as he was working abroad. I don’t blame him.
Me – People see me as the normal one in the family.
Believe it or not family fortunes never ever accepted us!
Despite growing up in an interesting family it was not all bad as I was lucky to grow up as a JW.
You may have heard of TSB – The bank that likes to say yes. JW is the religion that likes to say no. No to:
· Not allowed to say bless you if someone sneezes – As it summons up demons – To test if one knocks on your door sneeze at em. I promise you they will not say bless you.
· Not allow to clink glasses when drinking as a different set of demons will appear
· Blood Transfusions or blood sausage is painful to eat. In fact, I think Bango strings are banned too. Which reminds me
· No anal or oral sex before marriage
· In fact no anal or oral sex after marriage
Now most people see JWs as extremely conservative. My family life was so odd I found refuge in my church I was known as the JW even other kids would avoid.
When you were at infant school what did you worry about? Colouring in within the lines? Scraping your knee?
I knew if I celebrated my birthday or Christmas god would send me to hell forever.
Which is not all bad as I had was I knew all the non JW teachers and horrible kids were guaranteed to go to hell and that made me feel much better.
One other thing JWs are not allowed to do is:
· Bash the candle
· Bop the baloney
· Paint ya pickle
During a sex education class I proudly announced that I had never tossed my turkey. After class my teacher was in shock asked why I had never fisted my mister. After an awkward silence I went in my pocket had a fumble, grabbed and showed her my bible and read her some verses to explain why.
What she will never find out is that I first bashed my banana when I was 21 years old and have been catching up for lost time ever since.
The trademark of JWs is their door to door preaching work. Let me take you on the other side. Our basic message is if you join our religion you can live in a paradise earth. If you don’t, my god will kill you, your family, your friends and your pets.
So if you become good at converting people it simply means that new JWs will simply take up more room in the new world. So the truth is that in 15 years of full time preaching I never converted anyone….since I never ever pressed a bell. If someone ever opened the door I would pretend to be recruiting for the BNP
Which brings me to sex. Some lose it early in their local school/college. Some fathers take their kids to a local prostitute and others just register them to assist the local priest or vicar.
As my wife and I were not allowed to have sex before marriage as the chaperone would stop us, I lost my virginity on my wedding night aged 30. After I figured out which bits went where my wife lost it the night after.
My cherry was popped on 19 October 2001. On October 19th 2002 I remember having distinctly average sex as it was the last time I had sex with my wife.
Now in most situations you may think of divorce. My religion would not let me as you are not allowed to get divorced unless one of you has an affair. So I had three choices. Rape (funnily allowed for wives) have an affair and go to hell or stay in a sexless marriage and die a little more each day.
After 7 years of no sex going to hell sounded like heavenl and had an affair with an Eastern European beauty and stuck things in places I had never done before and nearly died of joy. Have you ever noticed how in porn the performers always have fun? Now I smile as I know porn is 100% reaIistic, and some believe porn stars were faking it.
JWs are not allowed to have any friends who are not fellow JWs. So I grew up with 100s of JW friends around the world which is really cool. Until you leave. When you leave you are excommunicated. The day I left not one of my lifelong friends was allowed to talk to me again. Overnight every phone number on my Nokia 5510 was useless. Which is not too bad as it gave me more room for my porn collection.
The excommunication also extends to my family so my mother does not know I have my own business and my brother did not invite me to his 25th wedding anniversary. Which is not all bad as I have saved 1000s of pounds on birthday gifts which I spend on my car, counselling and cocaine.
Since Family fortunes rejected my countless applications I have decided to create my own show where you need to spend the day with family members you hate. My show is called Christmas Day.
Thanks for reading