"You're parents are going to die", my bible teacher said that to my sister and I. A 12-year-old and 14-year-old, simply going to a Theocratic School meeting, learning to be submissive and learn how to preach the 'Watchtower way'. This incident was after meeting ended. We made our way to our frail bible teacher. That night, I can remember. She said it so blunt, so cold. She indicated that it was MY and my sister's duty to bring our parents into the 'Truth'. We made our way out, with my bible teacher holding both my shoulders. My face, my expression, which only one teacher noticed. "Did you get in trouble? " She asked. Sick. I felt sick, repulsed, humiliated, I wanted to end it all. How can I contain my burst of fury in a bathroom stall. I could only cry in silent and gasps, thanks to the sisters' babbling and cleaning the bathroom. My sister cried in the car, left alone with me while dad bought something from the convenience store. She clearly expressed how she felt. "I hate her". I feel indifferent with her. I don't know how to feel towards her, besides pity because now she's going through health problems. Cancer at age 20 and scabies outbreaks. She's frail alright. I wonder how she'll react when I leave the organization completely. Gone for good.
I'm a baptized publisher, coerced into baptism by my bible teacher. Only preached two hours a month. A new method of preaching the good news was actually using the bible, "Teaching the Truth". Even so, I still preached the magazines WT and Awake! Monthly subscriptions early in the morning on gasoline stations and later door to door. I hated talking to complete strangers. I hated not being able to answer my own questions. And most of all, I hated being lectured my bible teacher.
I'm a baptized publisher, currently on "Keep yourselves in God's love" book with two teachers. A sister and a mother. My sister and I. I used to baby sit wonderful children (bratty, boastful, but all that mattered was their unique personalities) from Sisters and Brothers going on a date night. I hung out more, spoke out more in the hospitalities or gatherings. I became quick friends with new families moving into the congregation. Good memories...but the pain and paranoia from instilling me fear and shame for being me...I'm glad I left this organization.