So ran the headline of a leading Australian newspaper.
Why, you ask?
Well, it seems that we are simply playing the wrong kind of rugby in our bid for the 2003 World Cup. We are boring, BORING, BORING!
So boring in fact that we beat the French 24 - 7!
This is the latest offering from the OZ Daily Telegraph:
Ancient art of bore
By Mike Gibson
November 19, 2003
SO, England play boring rugby. You're kidding. What else is new? The Pope is a Catholic? Hitler was a bad guy? Kylie has a cute rear end?
Didn't we know it would boil down to this?
If England made the World Cup final, surely we realised they would do so by roofing the ball down the other end, so Jonny Wilkinson could pot them over.
Did anyone seriously believe that the English rugby team came here to win friends and entertain people?
No. They came here to win the World Cup, and bore the pants off those who paid for the dubious privilege of watching them.
It's only halfway through the week, but already I've had it up to here with rugby fans complaining that England are boring.
News Flash. England have ALWAYS been boring.
Down through the years, English sporting teams have turned boring into a fine art.
In a country that produces bores like we produce blue heelers, England's sporting super-bore was
Geoff Boycott.
When Boycott took the crease, cricket fans used to designate a member of the crowd to wake them when he finally got out.
Anyone who doubts the English are boring has only to check what they've watched on television over the years.
Coronation St - the sorry saga of a bunch of miserable Poms living in the dullest backwater on Earth - is the most successful program in British television history.
So fascinated were the Brits with Coronation St, they moved it south to London, and called it Eastenders.
And you thought they were going to play entertaining rugby?
Hey, we're talking about a nation where the most popular actor is that tedious twit, Hugh Grant. Where their idea of a summer holiday is taking a bucket and spade to Brighton or Blackpool.
We're talking about a nation of people whose idea of risk-taking is to buy a ticket in the pools. Whose idea of excitement is to join a queue.
This is a country where the liveliest sporting action is found under the staircase at Buckingham Palace.
So how do we beat England?
The first armchair expert I heard on radio this week gravely pronounced that what we must do is play the game in their half.
Really?
Has there ever been a game devised in which you'd rather play the opposition in YOUR half?
Moving right along, next thing a bloke rang in to advise that what we have to do is not give away any penalties.
This talkback rocket scientist neglected to add that in rugby - a game in which even the players say they can't understand the laws and interpretations - not conceding penalties is easier said than achieved.
As one of an army of Australians who doubted the Wallabies would get to the final, and was delighted to be proven wrong, I hope we see a few tries next Saturday night.
In their semi-final against France, England scored none. In our semi-final against New Zealand, we scored one. An intercept.
Again I trust that I am wrong, but I suspect England will try to grind out a victory with Jonny kicking them - off both feet.
Like I said, England didn't come out here to entertain us. They came out to win the World Cup.
When it comes to sport, England have historically excelled at two things - boring the fans, and losing.
I expect the tradition will continue on Saturday night.
You betcha! Englishman.