"Worldly" boyfriend has never met my JW family, and might never will.
Public Service Announcement: I am not going to write a whole backstory on myself, I just simply want to get to the point.
I have been disfellowshipped now for almost 3 years, for I had a baby out of wedlock, not by my current boyfriend, but by a guy I was dating at the time- don't judge me ;) lol- my current boyfriend and I have been dating for a year now. I've met his family-only his parents, and his cousins family, of whom I knew before I met him, thus how i met him through a BBQ- at the time, he knew I was a single mom, and didn't know too much of my backstory.
As you can imagine, I had to tell him about how my babies father and I didn't work out, due to his wandering eye, and how I had little to no support due to being disfellowshipped, or as the "world" knows it by- disassociated- from my religion. He didn't get it!!! LOL! His family is the total opposite. They call him a few times a day, he lives with his dad, so he is with him everyday after work, when he isn't spending time with my little active toddler and I. His family has welcomed my daughter and I with open arms. His dad is very straightforward, and cusses like a sailor, his mom is a wonderful mid-west cook, and speaks her mind as well. They don't understand how and why my father doesn't want anything to do with me, (he's an elder) deep down I know that his parents probably think there is some undercover, shadiness going on that I did, and that's why their not in my life, and that I'm using the disfellowshipping as a cover-up.
They haven't said this outright but i always feel his dad is giving me the side eye, especially when i've recently had to deal with homelessness- twice- since being DF'd. I mean really homeless, like slept in my car three nights in a row when I was pregnant because I worked the swing shift and would sleep in the parking lot of a 24-hour grocery store until 7a when my father left, and I would go take a nap at the house, when I still had the key. From there, having an inactive sister let me stay at her home-in secret- while I was in my 3rd trimester, and on maternity leave. Then, I had to leave after that. From there, I stayed a few nights at my father's home after i left the sisters home, because she needed the room for her daughter and her husband who came from the army. My father said to me "You can stay one more night." Thats when I left after that "one more night!" I then went into a domestic violence shelter and was there for 6 months. Ok, I said I wasn't going to make this long, and I am. SO, let me get to the point....
I really am in love with this guy, he loves me. His family has accepted me and my daughter. The problem I have is, and his mom had stated this on the phone recently when we were having girls talk, and I brought up how me and him had been together for a year. She said, "he hasn't met your family yet," I always get down about it, because I know how important that is to him, how important it is to me, he's a great guy, but my father doesn't want to meet someone who isn't a JW, if they are in a relationship with me, hell, he hadn't properly met my childs father yet and shes almost 3! My father doesn't even have a relationship with me, or his grandchild. I mean he did come to the hospital, and since the incident had treated me as a business, only contacting me, or responding if it was about money. Other than that, he never ask how we are doing, and doesn't even know if were on the street, as recently I moved out of my room for rent into another shelter, because a sister I know around my age, has two small children, shes a single mom, and needed someone to help her with rent, she met me because she was disfellowshipped too, but she is reinstated now, but still contacts me, they threatened her-along with my dad- if I moved in with her, she would be Df'd too! This was in October of this year, and still my dad hasn't checked to see if we're okay.
I guess i'm ranting at this point, but I don't know what to do about the family issue. As, I haven't spoke to my sister since I was in my 1st trimester, my sister-in-law-my brothers wife- and I got into it, because I sent a text that said "it takes a village to raise a child," and she went off on me, so I went off on her, alcoholic ass, how are you going to judge me when you stopped going to the meetings and was drinking 17 bottles of beer on the wall!
Advice? I know this is all over the place. :(
First, big hug. You do not deserve the treatment that you are given by anyone, neither your JW family, not your wondering eye boyfriend. Shame on all those irresponsible morally bankrupted people who let you go homeless.
I'm not going to judge you, but I do severely judge those who are supposed to be there for you and have no problem with not supporting you.
I'm so sorry you're going through that.
Now, I left long ago and had a few relationships. I am a gay man, so you can imagine that announcing my wedding to my JW parents wasn't exactly something I was looking forward to.
However, what worked with me was becoming self sufficient in every aspect, financially, physically and emotionally. My parents and my JW family are not there for me, never have been there for me, and if/when they want anything it's always been for their own benefit.
I just had to accept that reality and move on. Hopefully you get to form a good family with your current boyfriend. Explain to him your circumstances about them being morally irresponsible JWs, and that their support is minimal (I wouldn't say that you are completely alone, just in case he turn out to be abusive and knows that you are completely alone; play your cards right).
Once again, please know that no one deserves such mistreatment.
BL-Poet. Sounds hard to deal with. Looks like you have little choice though. Your JW family are making it clear they are intent on shunning you. Tell your prospective in-laws about your religious background and the shunning.
I hope for your dear child's sake you settle down and make her your priority.
Sounds like you have had a rough time of it.
You don't owe your boyfriends family a long explanation. Just say that you and your family are estranged, as they couldn't accept you having a baby out of wedlock. As you get to know them better you can expand, but Jehovah's Witnesses aren't the only religious nuts out there, just the ones that make it a requirement to shun.
Yes, they may give you the side eye, but they will get to know you and get over it, so dont dwell on it.
Not an easy situation. Part of me would be telling me to take my boyfriend to my parents house and knock on the door. Let your partner see first hand what would happen.
I would most certainly be upfront and open with his family about your upbringing and show them from the watchtower articles why and how you find yourself in this situation.
The internet is a wonderful source of information and there are plenty of stories matching yours that they could see for themselves that you are a victim.
I'm sorry for your situation. When I was in the org, I told my JW kids that nothing would ever cause me to shun or abandon either of them. I felt that this was so cruel and wrong. It's a shame that you are in this situation. After I left the org, my kids and family started shunning me (before being DFed).
Like you, I moved on and went on with my life with or without them. I met a wonderful and kind woman (not a JW). Likewise, the whole family shunning issue was difficult for her and her parents to understand. We married and I was disfellowshipped. Her family had opened their arms to me and couldn't have been more loving and supportive. It took some time though. It was foreign to them and completely unnatural. Though I miss my kids and parents, I have a new family that is not contingent on towing the WTBTS line. They are good people and I'm sure that your boyfriend's family will be the same way if giving the time and some education on the "JW way." Your boyfriend sound like a great and supportive man with you and your child. The family that opened their arms to you is a good situation to be in. This situation will take some time to work itself out. Time is a good healer.
As far as getting the "side eye" from your Bf's dad, might I suggest one Youtube video. John Cedars (Lloyd Evans) produced a great segment on Youtube in regards to the sickening convention, "Remain Loyal." One of the sections is a rebuttal to the shunning episode. There is a similarity to your situation and they drama portrayed at the convention. Explaining to your Bf's family that shunning is indoctrinated into the JW culture and taught at large assemblies might ease their suspicions. Since this is from a 3rd party on the otherside of the world, I think that seeing this video would explain the real situation that you are in. They would learn that there is nothing wrong with you, but that you are a victim of a controlling cult that places the cleanliness of the org above everything else. Best wishes. The link is below.
......... They don't understand how and why my father doesn't want anything to do with me, (he's an elder) deep down I know that his parents probably think there is some undercover, shadiness going on that I did, and that's why their not in my life, and that I'm using the disfellowshipping as a cover-up.
recently I moved out of my room for rent into another shelter, because a sister I know around my age, has two small children, shes a single mom, and needed someone to help her with rent, she met me because she was disfellowshipped too, but she is reinstated now, but still contacts me,
How about asking his mother to call up this friend you were going to share an apartment with until she got reinstated and have her ask this friend about your character, your values and honesty.
See what comes of that.
Have your boyfriend call your dad and ask what he wants to ask.....only make sure he understands not to loose his temper.
Then you guys can compare notes and hopefully his parents will begin to understand what you have had to endure.
Thank you for being so honest, we can all understand this so called 'loving arrangement' that the Society made up.