I need some advice please

by JaMu 31 Replies latest social relationships

  • OrphanCrow
    Jamu: I am a non-JW girl dating a JW man for almost 5 years now since end of high school. Most of the relationship has been long distance.

    Well...you did ask for advice...

    You need to find a partner that is on the same maturity level as you are. If you see yourself as a "girl" and him as a man...that could cause problems. Not that I think you are a minor...but, I would recommend that you start thinking of yourself as a woman as opposed to a "girl". Especially since you say you are dating a man and not a boy.

    Relationships have a better chance of success when both people rank the same, or close to the same, in power.

    Raise your personal value up, JaMu, and start calling yourself a woman. A grown up adult. Not a girl. A woman. A woman with the same value as a man.

    Women date men. Girls date boys.

  • Mum

    You're getting a good dose of reality here. The truth is that JW males are taught that women are to be "in subjection" to their husbands and all of the other JW men for that matter. As a non-JW, you have no idea what a horrible situation your life would become. Even if both spouses are JW's, it's quite a challenge for the woman to not get on the wrong side of her husband or any other JW male.

    To be blunt, RUN as fast as you can and as far as you can from anyone associated with this cult. There's no future in it.

  • OnTheWayOut

    I try, I really try- to see all sides of a thing. You have invested all those years, you love him. He finally told his parents about you.

    So, if what you have read from sincere people doesn't get you to break up with your JW boyfriend, perhaps you can proceed with a new viewpoint. Maybe the information here will open your eyes.

    JW men are the head of their household. He thinks he will be the boss, no room for compromises on that. Even if you don't see that so much in him, his religion teaches him that. He will raise his children in that religion, it will be very important for him not to compromise there- no exposing them to both sides of the issues and letting them freely decide about birthdays, holidays, Mother's Day, sports, entertainment, yadda yadda.

    If you think it will all work out, then try to make it all work out now. Be a bigger part of his life, no matter what his family and fellow JW's say. Tell him you aren't interested in becoming a JW, but would love to be on his arm at the Kingdom Hall to meet these people and see what the meeting is all about. See how well that goes. Surely, he would want to have the woman he will marry see that part of his life and surely two people dating for 5 years should be able to sit together and hold hands in "church" and meet people. You can let him a little off the hook and tell him he doesn't have to say to JW's that you two are "engaged" but have been dating for "awhile since High School."

    Let us know how well that goes for you. From that point, maybe you could double-date with some JW's. And certainly, you will want to meet and spend time with his family.

    I think the way all that goes down will help you to know what you need to do about this relationship. Good luck.

  • Half banana
    Half banana

    JaMu, the sensible response to your request for help is that you disentangle yourself from this relationship. To pursue it is to sow the seeds of unhappiness.

    You are unaware how far reaching and disastrous the JW influence is on family life. You are unaware that the cult demands that a JW is required to put loyalty to its governing body above the value of life itself as demonstrated in their prohibition on blood transfusions to save life. This is a sobering thought that if you marry a JW they imagine that Biblical precedents determine what we should do today. The JW cult still lives with an Iron Age mentality. You are unaware of the fact that most families infected with the rules of this cult will be split apart at some future time with the loss of happiness and security which family life normally offers.

    Finding a suitable life-long partner is hard enough without having the JW organisation muscling in on your relationship. Believe me you will not prosper with a JW in the long run.

    On the plus side you have experienced a sort of relationship with one unsuitable individual, I really think you should spread your net a lot wider and find someone who will be happy to put your mutual interests ahead of Biblical dogma.

    Life is hard enough without inviting this imbecilic religion into it.

  • tor1500

    Hi JaMu,

    Read your reply....I think you love him...but I think you have a need here...somehow this male fits your needs. I have been in your shoes many times...wanting men who wanted me but only when they wanted me....from experience they will never appreciate you, you are like one of the boys after a while & if you have a needy personality you'll take the crumbs of attention they give you....

    You love him for many reasons one is that he is a challenge...I''m a woman, we love challenges, we love to think we can change the man...NOPE...we are the ones that end of changing...

    I think you have made up your mind...everyone here told you what to expect...I'm thinking because you love him and he fills a need in you and you go to the hall, and you see how loving the congregation is...& you'll fall into the love bombing tactic, and say, hey, this religion ain't that bad, the friends are so friendly...& to be honest they are...but in your situation, if you go to the hall with him, don't know what the reaction would be....every Kingdom Hall is different, I've been on this site for a while and some of the stuff the folks talk about never happened at my hall...not to say it doesn't at others....

    You are young...& your heart and your hormones are pointing in his direction...Also, ask yourself, is he the only guy that is paying you any attention....and that's why you are so into him?

    But from your reply....one of the commenters said it...you just want us to give you the go ahead....but before you came to this site, I think you already made up your mind....you just wanted confirmation...& that's ok...at least you had the sense to ask...Now you know what you are walking into...If you decide to move on with this fellow...and things work out and you either become a witness or an unbelieving wife of a JW,..let me say this first...I wish you the best....but if you find that what most said on here is true....you'll be welcome back with open arms. so don't think if it doesn't work out and you feel alone and no one to talk to...Come back to this site...All are here to help.


  • joe134cd

    Like I said before I just can't kind of understand all this. He told his parents. You have meet his brother. He managed to date a wordly girl for 5 years. Let me tell you now if he is a baptized member in good standing, he would of found himself in very hot water very quickly. He would of been told by the elders to break it off or risk been given a marking talk or being reproved. Which is like been mini shunned. His life would of been so unbearable that it would of ended. Trust me I went through the process. I suggest onthewayout has given the best advise. Go hand in hand into the KH. Then see how well that goes down.

  • jws

    I hope you listen to what these people say. As a JW myself many years ago, I used to date non-JW girls, but never saw it going anywhere. In the back of my mind, I needed to end up married to a JW girl. And I never told my family.

    Some guys think they can eventually convert you. They are brainwashed to feel so strongly about their religion, they feel that if you're a nice person too, you'll want to be a part of it.

    Things have become more lax, IMO, among JWs since I left over 25 years ago, but if he is dating a non-JW girl, he might not be too serious. How active in it is he? Is he baptized? Does he do a lot of preaching? Is he serving some job function there?

    Even if he isn't serious about the religion now, it doesn't mean he won't be dragged into being more serious. Better he make a break from it and be strong about it. About knowing how wrong it is and not because of you. If it's over you, he might drift back. If he knows it's wrong, it's a better chance he'll stay away. And once a JW, always a JW is NOT the case as witnessed (pardon the expression) by many, many people here.

    Sometimes people proceed with relationships anyway, despite warnings. If you do, what I recommend is NEVER become one of them. If you never go and never get baptized, the rules are different. They can't "disfellowship" you if you were never baptized. Oh, they still might choose to avoid you a bit, but that's less harsh than the rules and shunning around disfellowshipping.

    But the whole thing is VERY strange to me. First of all, long distance, IMO, is VERY tough to do. There's just too many distractions for both of you. And for 5 years??? Something's wrong here. Why would you keep it going? Why would he? I apologize in advance, but one or both of you has issues for trying to hold onto it this way without proceeding further. He might be only keeping a line of contact to you as a backup or as a some-of-the-time play thing. Or maybe you're insecure and feel he's the best you can get and you're holding on to whatever little bit he gives you as hope. It just sounds like some major personal issues that don't sound like the foundation for a strong marriage. And each of you should self-reflect and fix yourselves before you get into a relationship with another person that won't fix the underlying issues.

  • Giordano

    I too am confused.

    This is such a strange relationship that I am concerned with your well being. As well as the time you have invested in this relationship. It must be enormously frustrating for you.

    Don't forget this is an ex JW forum and we have all been dragged though the reckless and controlling nature of the WTBTS and the often dishonesty of it's believers.

    We have learned on this forum that there are a number of two timing brothers and sisters out there.....along with perfectly moral people looking for a mate and life partnership within the confines of their faith.

    Based on our intimate knowledge of this religion It seems to me that there are a number of contradictions going on with your relationship. The first one is it shouldn't be happening at least not for as long as it has been going on.

    Your very interested in him but not his religion........that's a good thing by the way. But it's strange on his part. As a baptized JW he is in a 'suspected relationship' with a non believer.

    Since he has to travel to see you or the reverse........... does he stay over with you which would be grounds for being disfellowshipped unless you live with other adults?

    Your relationship has lasted for five years but seems very conditional on what he wants.......which seems to be very little from you. Your attention feeds his ego and maybe the reverse. But his natural affection may be more about ownership then anything else.

    Have you not dated anyone else in that time frame? What about your family and close friends?

    I am sure you know that being a JW means he has access to a very very large social circle of believers. Finding a mate in your age range is as simple as it gets.

    When I was in, many many years ago, I never wanted for female companionship. At any assembly a single brother could respectfully approach any single sister or the reverse and engage in a conversation....... one that first established our respective role in the JW world and the people we might know in common and finally......... if either of us felt that stirring of interest..........arrangements to get together.

    It was oh so easy to morph that introduction into an invitation to visit that person's congregation and join a small group of their friends for food and conversation.

    I think you have gotten excellent advice on this forum. I also think the time has come to take control of your life and find a more honest and fulfilling relationship away from the JW world.

  • steve2

    Edited to correct my earlier comment. I see JaMU DID subsequently respond to what others said.

    Sounds like she's got a good head on her shoulders. The good thing about this thread is, in the event she decides to pursue her relationship with this young man, she will probably detect warning signs in the relationship sooner.

    I hope she comes to a decision that is helpful for her, not so much in the short term, but the mid- to longer term.

  • JaMu

    Hi all, once again I want to thank you all for taking the time to give me your input. Sorry my post may have not been to clear, but my boyfriend is a non-baptized JW and from the start of the relationship he was honest about everything. His mom's side are not JWs and despite that his whole family gets along really well. He has told me he will never force me to convert or attend meetings and that I can be who I am as long as I don't discourage him from practicing his religion. I'm only scared about how things will change once he decides to get baptized in the future.

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