I need some advice please

by JaMu 31 Replies latest social relationships

  • never a jw
    never a jw

    You have two options

    1. Run, run away from this relationship

    2. Spend few months doing some thorough research, and then run away as far as possible from any relationship with men who belong to religions like these.

    Well, there's a third one. Make him quit his religion. But on this point your chances are not good at all.

    I am married to a good JW woman and I can confirm that what Carla says above is absolutely truth. And please don't you think that you will change your man after you marry him. He will dump you right away if you try it.

  • tiki

    Move on, sweetheart....move on. Simply end it and find a real soul mate. He's out there!!!💝

  • Closer to Fine
    Closer to Fine

    Please read Carla's post multiple times - it is the hard truth! I too am a ubm and can confirm that being married to a jw is very difficult at times. For years mine was inactive and we actually did holidays and lead a pretty normal life. Now things have changed and all of the jw 'requirements' are back in our life. No holidays etc... (although I did xmas last year on my own) my spouse didn't participate at all. That part I'm actually ok with. The part I'm not ok with is that even though I haven't changed much over the years, now since the jw mindset has kicked back in, I am now considered a follower of satan. My spouse has no problem telling me this either. I don't attend any church and I'm still considered to be on satans team and not jehovahs. My point is that even if your boyfriend doesn't seem like an uber-jw (and he's not at this point if he is dating you, a 'worldly girl') things can change as the years go on and if he decides to become more involved with his religion your life will most likely become much more difficult because of it.

    When I was young and married a jw I knew nothing about them and their beliefs. If I was young again and faced with your choice I would pass and look for someone else that I'm more compatible with. My advice is do a lot more research on the jws before you marry him so at a minimum at least you will know what you're getting yourself into. I wish you the best and welcome you to the forum.

  • Calebs Airplane
    Calebs Airplane

    Run as fast as you can in the opposite direction. Eventually, he will realize that he is displeasing Jehovah and will call it off...

    "Those who are single are determined to make God’s heart rejoice, being willing to marry only a suitable mate from among his worshippers." - Watchtower (magazine) March 15, 2015 page 31

  • Pete Zahut
    Pete Zahut

    Just a few random thoughts:

    • Whenever I had a girlfriend, I couldn't wait to see her... wanted to be with her at all times or at least as much as possible.
    • Can't imagine having serious feelings for a woman and not being "intimate" for 5 years.
    • Do you suspect you may be the "girl on the side" to him and that he has others as well?
    • Have you asked him what "unevenly yolked" means to a JW? If not, ask him to explain the term and where you fit into the picture and what this will mean for your relationship, long term.
    • How trustworthy is he if he can spend 5 years hiding the fact that he is breaking one of the major "JW tenants" (see above)
    • Not sure why you refer to yourself as a "Girl" and to him as a"Man" is the use of those phrases telling as to your age differences and or equality in this relationship? If so I see more red flags.

    Anyway, there are lots of variables to this story that I don't know but it sounds like your instincts are on high alert over this and as far as I can tell, they should be. It seems like you deserve better treatment than what you've been getting. I'm glad you came here to ask your questions....you deserve to be someone's number one....rather than strung along in the shadows by a guy who's in the grips of a weird religion.

  • JaMu

    Thank you to all for all the advice and comments, I really appreciate it! Just to clarify some points, we're both 23 and two months ago he told his parents about our relationship who are both baptized JWs. They didn't freak out about him dating me but they told him that I need to know where they come from and what they believe in. I still yet have to meet them. However I met his brother and his cousins.

    Also in term of gifts and flowers, the last time he ever gifted me was on our one year. And i've gifted him whenever I can, but recently stopped since I realized why did I have to do all the nice things all the time.

    I think my problem is that since he's my first bf, and we talk everyday through text or calls, its hard to just leave all that, cuz i really do love him. I think I'm at a critical point in my life where I have to make the right choice and I hope whatever that choice is, I don't want to regret later.

  • Incognito

    You have received good advice but I suspect you may at first want to make excuses for his unacceptable behavior with lots of 'Yes, but...'. Don't. You deserve to be the primary focus and interest to your guyfriend, not someone constantly begging to be recognized.

    Even if he promises to leave the religion for you, don't fall for it. There have been plenty that have done that, only to return later, after being shunned by their JW family or feeling guilty for having left. If he doesn't leave for recognizing the religion (cult) is a sham for himself, he is too likely to return. You can't lead him away.

    If a relationship doesn't progress to marriage within ~1.5 years, it is likely not going to. In your case, you are fortunate that it didn't as you now have opportunity to find someone deserving of you, without having to divorce or the complexities children bring.

    I suspect that if you're honest with yourself, you came to realize before posting here that the future of the relationship is doomed, but was hoping that someone here would assure you that it isn't.

  • steve2

    You already know how to make him truly happy.

    • Start "studying" the Bible with one of the local JW sisters, attend meetings regularly, and - when elders think you are qualified - start joining the local JWs in door-knocking and then their public "ministry".

    You will make him really happy.

    • Then when you two are married he will become head of the household and he will be very sweet and loving provided you follow his lead and do not question Jehovah's headship arrangement.
    • And, after decades of dedication to your JW husband and JW organization - likely when you are in your older years - you will realize that you have systematically allowed yourself to submit to a patriarchal system in which you have had to become more and more blind about your emotions and own life goals.
    • Perhaps in your twilight years you will get some respite from the ongoing dreary grind of life as a JW wife. Perhaps you two will have children who will be raised in JW organization with the same threats you face if ever they should fall away.

    I just hope the FOG (Fear, Obligation and Guilt) do not oppress you then as much as they will as you step more actively into your younger life as a JW.

    Who needs Valentine's Day, when you have such a future in front of you with your JW husband?

  • Incognito

    Almost 5 years together, yet his parents and family only learned of you 2 months ago? WOW, there is a relationship with a future.

    You state that you really do LOVE him but ... you come here expressing concern on how he treats you. How can you honestly say you love him? When a couple first start dating is typically when they are on their best behavior. If he's already treating you badly, what will he be like if the relationship continues?

    I think you love the idea of a guy friend and have been putting-up with unacceptable behavior just to continue the pretense of a guy friend relationship.

    As was previously implied, if he really wanted to be with you, he would move mountains to be with you every second possible.

    I kinda like the suggestion of confronting (and even dumping) him at his KH.

    edited to add: his parents will be looking at you as a potential convert which will be why their reaction was claimed to be not so negative. I suspect in reality, they reacted more strongly than was indicated to you.

  • Closer to Fine
    Closer to Fine
    his parents will be looking at you as a potential convert which will be why their reaction was claimed to be not so negative. I suspect in reality, they reacted more strongly than was indicated to you

    Incognito is correct. This is exactly what happened to me. For years my spouses family was pretty nice to me most of the time. Although they often called me 'worldly' and I hate that term. The reason they were kind most of the time is because they held out hope they could convert me someday. When they started pressing me pretty hard to get baptized I said I wasn't interested in becoming a jw. Since then the only time I hear from them is if they need money (sadly, I'm not joking). Please continue your research before you commit to marrying a jw.

Share this