I stumbled across this article and thought others might find it of interest. As a guy I found it extremely enlightening.
The URL where I found this is:
* http://www.canoe.ca/Canoe/canoelifewise.html
Mommy guilt
By SAMANTHA CRITCHELL - Associated Press
Guilt is a part of motherhood.
Accept it and move on, says parenting author Vicki Iovine. The sooner you do that, the sooner your life will become as normal as it is ever going to be.
But, she warns, be prepared: "Mommy guilt" comes in a variety of forms.
"We mothers are a hothouse of guilt because we're trying to be all things to all people," she says.
The most pervasive form of guilt is mothers feeling they do not successfully balance their family, marriage, career and everything else they do, says Iovine, whose latest book is The Girlfriends' Guide to Getting Your Groove Back (Perigee).
Mothers, however, also feel guilty when they see their children experience any sort of pain and suffering, especially if the pain and suffering was passed along genetically -- unintentionally, of course. "We feel like it's our fault that we passed along asthma, or even our klutziness."
Then there is the lack of interest in romance, which, of course, makes mothers feel guilty about their inattention to their partners, says the 47-year-old mother of four, who lives with her children and husband in Los Angeles. And, speaking of the dads, mothers also worry about what to clue them in on and what to keep secret.
"A lot of things I thought were just sitcom plots of 'Don't tell dad' are true. Mom gets more information than she wants to know, and then she's left with the big decisions: when to share with dad and when to act on her own. Fifty percent of the time she will make the wrong decision, and then her kids will make her feel guilty for the way she handled it!"
Finally, there is the guilt felt at the end of the night about a single wasted moment during the day or, even worse, if the mother took a moment for herself.
We beat up ourselves about all the things we didn't get done. There are no congratulations on what you did accomplish, just guilt about the things you didn't."
For Iovine, the "mommy-guilt bug" struck when she was pregnant because she constantly -- and almost eagerly -- complained about all the symptoms, like the morning sickness and back pain.
The problem was that she had made a pact with herself that if she was ever lucky enough to become pregnant, she'd happily accept all the side effects. When those effects began to get the best of her, Iovine writes in The Girlfriends' Guide, so did the guilt.
(Ignoring all those books that encouraged maternity exercise didn't help either.)
For a new mother, the first peak guilt period is when a mother either returns to work or makes a definite decision to stay home.
If she returns to work, the mother feels she is missing out on the all-important bonding between mother and baby, says Iovine. If she stays home, she feels like she is "wasting" her education and previous work experience because she is no longer an active part of society.
Neither is true, of course, but try telling that to a guilt-ridden mother.
When the child moves on to elementary school and he can entertain himself around the house for at least short periods of time, a mother gets a little respite, Iovine explains, but instead of taking advantage of her newfound freedom, she feels guilty about having that free time.
And then come the teen years.
"I think the teen years will be a combination of terror and guilty in one enchilada," says Iovine, whose own children range from seven to 13.
The closest thing to a cure for guilt is girlfriends, she says, because they are the only other people on the earth who can empathize with the situation. Husbands might try but they simply don't lay awake at night worrying about the to-do list, she says. Anyway, they are busy missing their wives' companionship.
"Seeing other moms struggling with guilt makes everyone else feel less guilty."
So even in a mother's busy life, don't let deep friendships be sacrificed, Iovine advises.
However, swapping stories is different from comparing sagas. She strongly urges against judging your life by comparing it to anybody else's.
And, she adds, don't judge your mothering skills by how well your kids turn out. Just do your best, love your kids, count your blessings and take care of yourself. Those are the things your children need most from you, anyway.
"My suggestion: Live long. Usually, eventually, you'll see your kids turn out OK. And pride eventually beats out guilt," she says.
And then there is grandparenting -- the guilt-free version of parenting -- to look forward to.
end of article