long love story need advice

by pleasehelpme 6 Replies latest social relationships

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  pleasehelpme

  In summary.....I met my BF 2 years ago when he was going thru a divorce, he is JW and so is she. He had an affair in first year of marriage stopped it and told her about it, confessing his sin and guilt and begging forgiveness. She was distraught and left him along with the baby that was just born....he begged for over a year for her to go back to him but she refused and barely let him see the child he loved. He was wracked with guilt over it all. He knows how worng he was and cannot forgive himself for what he done to his family.

  During this time (when she was filing for divorcce and they were getting divorced..... i met him and fell immediately in love with him and wanted to ease his pain and support him..he was thrown out of JW and saw none of his former friends. He lost his life in fact, everyone he knew.

  We became close....i fell in love....18mths later he said he loved me too....but still loved his wife. I lived with him for a short while when i waited for my flat to be ready to move into.It was wonderful. Then i moved out...we were still seeing each other but he was very hesitant to commit to me cos i wasnt JW and he thought one day he would go back to it. and also cos he still wasnt fully diorced....suddenly she didnt sign final divorce paper...and (2 years later since she had left) turned up on his doorstep with the child. He was shocked but felt he could not turn them away.

  He told me....and we finished things bewteen us.

  However 6mths later he said he loved me....that he still felt responsible for his wife and was wracked with guilt that he no longer felt same way as he once did about her.

  Now shes telling him he must finish with me (he had been with honest with her telling her about me)...and that he can no longer go out with friends either.

  Ive told him i will leave him and he should stay with family..although this would break my heart... However he says he cant do it..he no longer loves her the way he did....and he has told her this....

  My problem is....I do not see that i broke up a marraige as they were going thru the diorce before i met him and lived sepeartely....my problem is how do i help him with the overwhelming sense of guilt he has....how do i help support him through this??? How do i help him see he is human and not an evil person.

  I love him so very much but feel inadequate and hate standing back watching him in so much pain.

  And yes you may say to me what about his wife....but i cant answe that...i cant make him stay with her when he doestnt love her that way anymore..and he has tried and we did split when she came back.....and it took her 2 yrs to come back to him and try forgive ......im not making excuse for him im not saying he did good..i just want to help him...please give me advice?

  thank you
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  gumby

  The society leaves the choice up to the innocent party as to who will forgive. The innocent mate is encouraged to forgive a truely sorry mate. She didn't, ..........but her decision rests with her, according to dub rules. 2 years later she wants him back. Why....after 2 years? Is she broke? Does she need financiall support? I'd say leave the decision now........on your boyfriend as to who he wants.

  Gumby
• 

  frenchbabyface

  Pleasehelpme,

  I?m just sorry for the situation you are in ? Every story is different, but now the fact is that he is JW and you not (or never have been) makes the issue bigger ! (sorry for my English)

  Now : about what you?ve said ?i just want to help him..." I would say help yourself first ? they are still married ? If he loves you ? if he don?t love her anymore ? and if he is able to handle the whole thing ? Well ? He should divorce his wife to prove it first ? (talks doesn't help, and years are running)

  Even if he divorce his wife .. still be prepared to deal with his JW?s background and wrong sens of guilt about his story, wife and kid.

  Until he is not divorced ? live your life (the man you need could be just right there, and you won?t see it just because you are focused on him) If you are not able to forget about him, don?t take this relationship to seriously and stay open to nice men who are free to make you happy.

  Don?t wait for him (he could be able to stay in this position a long long long time) and everybody will be in a very uncomfortable situation.

  (If I were you I would give up right now ? but I?m not you and I don?t know the whole story)

  Of course as Gumby said, his wife probably realised how difficult it would be for her to find an other husband (with the kid she already have) as a JW woman. It could be the reason why it took her 2 years to finally forgive. But again ? who knows.

  Does he know this forum ? Is he still JW ? Lots of questions ?(need more information)
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  Aztec

  My suggestion, and I know it won't be a popular one but, leave him. For your own mental well-being. I've been through situations like this with men and he's going to put you through a mental and emotional roller coaster. On top of the sticky situation with his wife/ex-wife he's a member of a mind controlling cult, the JW's. For your own emotional welfare I say leave the whole situation. It's hard because we want to be nurturing and helpful but sometimes you have to know when to cut the cord. Hope that didn't sound harsh.

  I hope you find happiness!

  ~Aztec
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  Maverick

  I'm with Aztec on this one. This guy is a little baby and may never grow up! What a loser! If you put up with this spineless whimp, be prepared to suffer long and alone! And when you add all his wishy-washy behavor with being a dud, this is not a winning combination! My ex was like that, wanted to stay, wanted to go. I made the final decision and told her to pack her bags. One of us had to be an adult! And the adult in this situation going to have to be you! Maverick, Sorry if I sound harsh, guys like this make me sick!
• 

  Big Tex

  Ive told him i will leave him

  Now tell yourself this. I too have serious questions about his maturity level, his impulse control and his ability to commit to a relationship. Better to have a little pain now, in breaking off the relationship, than years of pain in trying to support someone that will not reciprocate. If he is beating himself up over his affair, and then his wife, then realize that is about him, not you.

  Let me ask you this, what is he doing for you? A loving relationship is a two way street, and I do not see where he is giving, only taking. Sometimes tough love means you force them to stand on their own. If you really do care about him, and not a selfish love, then tell him he needs to get his life in order, his priorities straight and above all make decisions on how he is going to care for his child. When he has taken care of his responsibilities, then he can return to you. If you do this, and he follows through, he will have proven his commitment to you. If he does not, then he will have shown he is a user and is interested in only what he can get out of you.

  Good luck.
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  scumrat

  Sorry to put it so bluntly, but this guy is f*cked in the head and if you stay with him for any length of time he'll f*ck your head up. Do yourself a favor and let him take responsibility for his life. You have a whole life ahead of you. You don't need the agravation that comes with his bagage.