Hi Damascus
I also feel very similar to you - I am still dragging myself to meetings (admittedly only 2 or 3 a month now) and spend the whole time wishing I was not there.
I listen with growing disbelief to the paper thin reasonings being parroted by unquestioning and uneducated men who have lost the ability to think for themselves and feel so sad as I look around the hall and see people I care about lapping it up , blind to how shallow and manipulative the teachings really are.
I have stopped going on the ministry because I could not in good faith promote a religion that I now see as deluded at best, harmful and destructive often. But it does worry me at times that I am not active in making disciples . I try to compensate by being a better, more `Christian` person.
Why do some of us keep going? We all have different reasons. For me, even though I no longer believe it is The Truth, there is a tiny voice in my brain that whispers to me "but what if it IS right?". The indoctrination and fear culture of 40+ years is tough to shake off.
CM