It's late. So late. Yet early......
My mind races....my heart beats....I'm alive yet
Time marches on.....inevitably towards the end.
I fear. I want. I need.
I think of you. I think of our love. I think of the pain you caused me. But did you?
Perhaps it is all just me? Yes. I am causing this pain.
My own heart bleeds for something that never was.
Then the other you came along. Just when I needed you, the universe sent you....
And soon you must leave as well and I will be crushed and broken again by my own mind...
By my own wants and needs....by my own hope.
How many more years of this torture can I endure? Life is short they say......yet it can feel so long.
Not too long and I will meet my own eventuality....the same eventuality as everyone else who's lived and died on this ball of mud.....this wonderful ball of mud circling for endless eons in the darkness of space.
Where do we go from here? What is waiting for us on the other side?
Blackness? Eternity? Emptiness......? No, those things are in our own mind. Created by our own hopes and fears. In the end we are all as we were, stardust in the wind.
Yet there are so many happy coincidences aren't there? And this yearning inside to always be..... So many signposts pointing the way..... yet so many dead ends.... There goes that hope again.
Wishing won't make it real. Yearning won't make it solid. Needing answers won't bring them. Nothing makes any sense at all, yet, here I am. I am. Is this a gift or a curse? To have this brain that thinks these things and a heart that feels so much..... I guess it's just yin and yang, a perfect balance of both. One day the two pieces of light and dark will fall away from each other and will nevermore be connected.... but that time is not yet at hand..... so the struggle continues......
Breathe in, breathe out. Sleep.....wake.....eat......excrete....... dream on and on....hope and if you can find it, love.....for this is all we are. This NOW that we have. This moment in time. So short, yet oh so tortuously long.....
My mind reels. My heart aches. My bones and my blood are crushed and spewing forth.....and I can not stop it. Nothing takes the pain away.....nor the hope. Only time. Time.....time....time
Then.......the end. Nothingness? Blackness? Void? Or just dust in the wind.....forever floating along until its' new iteration? An iteration that is not me but yet is me.....some part of me.
In 200 years, a mere moment in time, I will be forever gone. Gone physically and gone from all stream of consciousness that exists on this ball of mud. Gone in the truest sense of the word. No one to remember me. No memories of my own. Gone forever and ever.
Time marches on. On into the void.....