?Re: my dad passed away

by azaria 6 Replies latest jw friends

  • azaria

    I want to thank you for all the condolences and hugs. It was a very difficult time. Not only because my dad passed away but because we had to deal with the JW org. My dad’s memorial was last Tuesday. There was no visitation or funeral. I had told my oldest brother that I didn’t want the elder that did the memorial to use my fathers death as a platform for his own agenda, and I wanted the elder to be sensitive to us (that weren’t JW) My brother was glad that I wasn’t there when the elder came to the house on the Monday. He was shaking, he was so upset. I had only wanted a friend of my brothers (we have known him for about 45 years) to read Psalms 23 but the elder wouldn’t hear of it. Even my mother was surprised that the elder wouldn’t allow it. So as a family we did it in my mothers backyard. My husband and I are separated but he stood by me, like I would for him. He said that at the memorial he turned around and at the back there were a number of men dressed in black just staring at us. I wonder, were we a novelty or were they worried that we might be possessed, or disrupt the meeting. My worst fears came true. It wasn’t a memorial to my dad. It was just a service to spew their beliefs. My daughter and my husband said that I shook my head back and forth once because I didn’t agree with what the elder was saying. I didn’t realize that anyone would see.

    Wednesday we spread my dad’s ashes. My mother didn’t want a grave site and felt that my father would have wanted to be spread on the water, because he loved the water, sailing. It was decided that my youngest brother would do it and the rest of us (my mother, 2 other brothers, my two kids, my nephew and one of my closest friends) would stay behind. But I couldn’t handle him doing it alone so I met him at the pier. After he spread the ashes I threw a white carnation into the water (my dad’s favourite flower) and then had a good cry just the two of us. I told him that I envied him. He was the only one that was close to our dad. All I ever wanted was for my dad to say that he loved me and was proud of me, but I don’t think my dad ever told anyone that he loved them (he never told my mother either). I find that very sad. But at that moment with my brother, I appreciated so much the close bond that my 3 brothers and I have, so I was able to let go of the fact that my dad chose not to tell us; it was his loss, and I was so grateful for my brothers and my kids. My kids were wonderful during this time. My 21 yr old son is very sensitive to my feelings and my daughter and I are talking more. She said some wise things for a 17 year old. After this we sat under a tree and I read Psalm 145. So even though there isn’t a grave site we can go back to that spot if we want to.

    My mother and her neighbour have been at odds for quite a while. I know my mother; she can be very hateful and I know there are always two sides. I went to the neighbour because I thought she had called the police and reported that there might be a problem with my dad. He died of a massive heart-attack while he was washing his boat. It wasn’t the neighbour but she gave her condolences and said that if there was anything they could do, they would. The following day she brought over two large containers of sandwiches and a plate loaded with baked goods. Up to that time a sister from my mothers congregation had only brought three cucumbers. By then I was so upset over that, that I told my youngest brother, that they could shove their cucumbers up their you know what. It really surprised my mother that the neighbour had brought the food over and I hope it opened my mothers eyes a little. I wrote the neighbour a thank you note stating that she showed real christian love by putting their differences aside and that JW’s don’t have a monopoly on compassion and certainly not on the truth. I’m not sure we would have eaten anything that day if she hadn’t brought over the food. One sister did later bring some desserts and another brought ham and cheese. There were a couple of ladies that I did like. I think that in any group, some people you like and some you don’t. But from what I experienced the JW’s are not the most compassionate and considerate people. At my church people come with food, (to put in the freezer for a later time) they might do some housework, things that need to be done; because of your grief, you’re unable to do. That’s what a congregation does but I didn’t see that. If it wasn’t for my three brothers, and myself, along with the grandkids, my husband and three of our friends, I really don’t think that my mother could have gone through this. Her congregation alone wouldn’t have been of any comfort to her.

    I think I’ve talked long enough.

    Oh I was able to go on a two day holiday (the first in three years). One of my friends and her husband invited me to their cottage near Georgian Bay (Ontario-Canada) It was so beautiful there. Just to relax, talk, eat; it was what I really needed. I really felt that God was with me during this horrible time. I felt a strong need to share my grief with you all over the loss of my dad last week, even though I really don’t know you personally. I’m so grateful for this site. Well I must go. Everyone take care and again thanks for your kind words. Sorry this post became longer than I intended.

  • czarofmischief

    Sorry for your loss.

    Give it time, honey. Give it time.

    "Time heals all ills." Benjamin Franklin.


  • Inquiry


    It's tough losing a parent... and my sympathies to you and your family.


  • termite 35
    termite 35

    (((((Azaria)))))) I was so sorry to read this- I must've missed it before...I think you sound as though you coped very well with it all. and did your best in difficult circumstances at the funeral-it's wonderful when our children show such insight at times like this,is'nt it?

    That's down to your fantastic parenting.You sound as though you have beautiful. caring children..

    I can empathise with you as I lost my own (very cold) father 7 months ago- but his personality did'nt make the loss any easier-in fact , it made it more difficult than my lovely mother's death as there were many 'unfinished' things that- as in your situation- could now never be addressed- which can make it all alot harder to deal with.I find it difficult to visit my mothers grave now as he's there too...

    if you ever want to talk just send a message ; pm me, and i'll give you my messenger addy or my email address or phone number...I really hope you're ok and I know it's said so much- but time does make everything easier to cope with and later when you look back you can understand the way they behaved a little better...

    i'm so happy to hear you had a bolt hole-the cottage sounds lovely, and i'm glad you have lots of people around you who obviously care about you SO much, like we all do...

    take care of yourself, don't forget that, will you? (((((((((i'll be thinking of you )))))))

    termite xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

  • LittleToe

    Condolences ((((Azaria))))

  • Nathan Natas
    Nathan Natas

    Please accept my sympathies for your loss and your grief.

  • Blueblades

    It's so sad that in death there is much sorrow,for others to be heartless at such a time of grief ??Azaria


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