A few months back I let it be known to my husband that I was no longer interested in anything JW related. When he took it to the elders, without actually divulging anything that might get me disfellowshipped like apostasy - well, he just basically told them I was all depressed and discouraged and everything and that I didn't want to be contacted by the elders about it. I don't know what he actually told them, word for word, or what they actually said to him word for word, but he told me they told him not to do anything spiritual with me at home anymore - no bible study, praying, daily text, meetings via phone, jw broadcasting, discussions, etc. He's sticking to the directions pretty well, except for the odd time when he just can't help himself and slips something in, which I try my best to ignore.
We had a couple of bad blowups when we tried to discuss my new thinking. So we try not to discuss it anymore, but we're left with nothing much to say to each other. We've had our difficulties in our marriage before this, who hasn't, right? It feels now like the only thing we had in common was our being in the org together and we were relying on that to keep us together and all we had to do was endure until the end and we'd be blessed with this happy fulfilling marriage in paradise. We used to kid that we were stuck with each other because Jehovah hates a divorcing etc. Wasn't really funny at the time, always hit a sour note with me. I remember one really bad patch we were going through just after I was baptized, and I remember it struck me so hard, thinking I wished we'd divorced before that because now we weren't "allowed" just because we were miserable together.
I can't be who I want to be while in this marriage, and it's killing me. And I'm back to having the bad dreams of ending up a bag lady on the street.
Sorry about all this blubbering, but I'm just beside myself these days! Oh, hey, if I'm beside myself I'm never really alone am I :)
Just venting, folks! Still waiting for my counselling sessions to start, a few more weeks on the waitlist I take it.