Cold war on homefront!

by LifesNotOver 9 Replies latest jw friends

  • LifesNotOver

    A few months back I let it be known to my husband that I was no longer interested in anything JW related. When he took it to the elders, without actually divulging anything that might get me disfellowshipped like apostasy - well, he just basically told them I was all depressed and discouraged and everything and that I didn't want to be contacted by the elders about it. I don't know what he actually told them, word for word, or what they actually said to him word for word, but he told me they told him not to do anything spiritual with me at home anymore - no bible study, praying, daily text, meetings via phone, jw broadcasting, discussions, etc. He's sticking to the directions pretty well, except for the odd time when he just can't help himself and slips something in, which I try my best to ignore.

    We had a couple of bad blowups when we tried to discuss my new thinking. So we try not to discuss it anymore, but we're left with nothing much to say to each other. We've had our difficulties in our marriage before this, who hasn't, right? It feels now like the only thing we had in common was our being in the org together and we were relying on that to keep us together and all we had to do was endure until the end and we'd be blessed with this happy fulfilling marriage in paradise. We used to kid that we were stuck with each other because Jehovah hates a divorcing etc. Wasn't really funny at the time, always hit a sour note with me. I remember one really bad patch we were going through just after I was baptized, and I remember it struck me so hard, thinking I wished we'd divorced before that because now we weren't "allowed" just because we were miserable together.

    I can't be who I want to be while in this marriage, and it's killing me. And I'm back to having the bad dreams of ending up a bag lady on the street.

    Sorry about all this blubbering, but I'm just beside myself these days! Oh, hey, if I'm beside myself I'm never really alone am I :)

    Just venting, folks! Still waiting for my counselling sessions to start, a few more weeks on the waitlist I take it.

  • stuckinarut2

    Oh dear!

    Im sorry to hear you are going through that.

    It seems very odd that IF he told the elders you "were depressed" that they would tell him NOT to pray and study etc.

    The VERY thing they say to do for a "depressed" one or one feeling "doubts" etc is to ramp up the spiritual activities!.

    It sounds like he is one who perhaps has not been 100% honest with you about things he feels or discussed with elders.

    Tread carefully!

    Maintain your own self respect and dignity! This is something you can only have control over. Despite all that is going on around you, YOU alone have the power to control your dignity.

  • Barrold Bonds
    Barrold Bonds

    yeah he's full of shit about either what he told them or what they told him. He could be full of it for both those too lol

  • LaurenM

    You say that "it feels now like the only thing we had in common was our being in the org together"...but then you seem to indicate that you were married before you were baptized...So perhaps you can revisit what made you fall in love before you (presumably) became JWs. You must've had something that sparked your love that made you get baptized in the first place :) Good luck!

  • steve2

    It happens in all walks of life to so many marriages: One spouse "grows" towards a different direction than the other and soon their paths diverge. What makes it harder is when the other spouse imputes all kinds of bad intentions and motives to the one who is "growing" .

    You're growing while your husband is satisfied where the two of you were: under the control of the organization . It's hard whenever it happens, whether it involves religion, employment, education or something else .

    You can either learn skills to tolerate the new differences and stay (hoping he will join you on your journey) or leave. There really are few options for this kind of development. One thing is certain: I can't see you climbing back in the JW org prison. You've escaped one prison - perhaps time to plan escaping the other .

  • LisaRose

    I'm sorry you are going through this, it sounds horrible. I don't know all your circumstances, but you may at some point have to consider moving on from the marriage. By all means give counseling a try, but in my experience most people don't want to change, they want the other person to change. Without obligation imposed upon you by the religion, what is there holding you two together?

    Be honest in what you say in counseling, don't sugar coat it in an attempt to not be the bad guy. Your needs and wants are just as important to his, he doesn't get to dictate conditions because you chose to walk away from the religion. Don't feel guilty because you changed or cater to his Watchtower fueled delusions of a woman's place in the marriage.

    Lisa 🌹

  • zeb

    see pm

  • scratchme1010

    Sorry to hear that you're going through rough time. What precipitated the conversation about your new way of thinking? Seems like it was something that happened without planning, and those things I know happen.

    My suggestion to you is to get rid of that stinking thinking bout you ending up out on the street all by yourself. This is your chance to start building your own support system, your own friends, your own people you can count on, your own career and your own decisions. Feels horrible to start feeling the reality of the division and destruction in marriages and families that the WT causes in people. But make no mistake, that is their doing.

    Maybe some individual counseling with a professional that knows how to talk to people who have beein involved in cults or controlling relationships.

    And also, here we are. I can't vouch for anyone else, but know that many of us really know how you feel right now. We get it.

  • Landy

    Doesn't sound like a nice situation. The only thing I can say is that we only live once and we're not here for long. It would be a terrible thing to look back on 40 years of marriage and wished you'd got out 30 years ago. Plan for a future where you can be happy. Good luck.

  • Worldling9

    Have you signed up for any classes or groups you're interested in yet? Please get out there and have some fun; life is too short to sit around fearing a future as a bag lady. You will not be a bag lady. There are resources out there to help you. Are you interested in anything creative? There are free tutorials online to help you learn how to do just about anything...but I still encourage you to get out and go to a class or something where you can meet people. Often they are free or very low cost for seniors.

    You are growing and he is not. Stubborn refusal to change or even look at new possibilities is what makes people old. You don't have to get old with him, whether you leave or not.

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