When I was "in" I never felt "good enough" to be included among those that would be saved. I was never able to "put on the new personality" to the extent that I felt that I deserved to be saved. I tried to make up for my shortcomings by doing more. Enough was never enough of course. I thought "putting on the new personality" wasn't possible without Jehovah's spirit since what I needed was the 'fruitage of the spirit' [love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faith, mildness, self control] So, if I did't have it there was nothing I could do to get it myself. For that reason, I thought Jehovah was withholding his spirit because he 'just didn't want me in the new system' for some reason. He was rejecting my sacrifice like he did Cain. [my favorite bible character] Finally I gave up trying to please him.
Regarding your shame, remember, you were deceived. It wasn't your fault.
Now, I'm deciding for myself what is right and wrong (I know, just like Adam). My goal is to live a life aligned with my own values. Always try to do the right thing and behave in a way so I respect myself. I'm no longer worried as much about what 'god' thinks of me as I am of what I think of myself. How do I behave when no one is watching? Well, there is never a time when no one is watching because I'm watching myself. I see everything I do. Seeing myself act in a way that doesn't align with the person I want to be damages my view of myself.
If it turns out that there is some 'god' outside of me and I am "wrong" (as an elder once told me), I'm learning to accept that that's okay. Whatever happens has to be okay because I have no say in the matter. I explained this to an elder's wife not too long ago and she said something like 'So you'll just be asleep forever' or 'So you don't want to live forever and want to be asleep forever' (something like that, I can only remember the thought not the exact words). I told her that I'll accept whatever Jehovah decides to do with me because I have a clean conscience. If he wants me dead forever I'm sure that's the best decision so I'm okay with it.
