The ancient iron hinges, with a loud and unsettling groan which echoed throughout the whole courtyard and swept over the tops of the ramparts, swung a massive pair of timber doors wide ajar. At its entrance stood the fair Yoshiko who, for a moment, paused dauntedly. The weight of her journey to the edge of the world was quickly catching up with her. It had left her clothes tattered, her feet covered in dozens of open sores, and her mind presently susceptible to a range of doubts which she had never before entertained. What if I fail? What if I don't get the answers to the burning questions I've wondered my entire life? What would my family think? What would my village say?
At her feet the wind stirred up the leaves and sent them swirling over the cobblestones while they rustled in tune with the cherry trees that encircled this enclosure. It was a peaceful moment and Yoshiko took the time to steel her mind. She inhaled a deep breath, adjusted her haversack across her shoulder, and then marched across the courtyard to the Stairway of the Clouds. Making her way up would be no easy task. The path was steep, the steps were unleveled, it was exposed on both sides and wound erratically left and right as it ascended the unprotected mountainside.
Halfway up she stopped to eat the last remaining food from her haversack and twice she had to stray off the stairway in search of water. All the while being cautious of every footstep - for even a momentary imbalance would likely send her sailing off the side of the mountain. But, after much grunting and groaning and cursing the thinning air as a full day's climb wore on, she finally reached the Sacred Double-Wide at the top.
Yoshiko's eyes began watering upon the sight of it. She had read all the stories but had never expected it to be this beautiful. It was truly a sight to behold with its cheap plastic siding that had a horizontal brown stripe going across the whole side of the trailer, the broken window towards the back that had been replaced with cardboard, and the red and white beer cans that littered the front yard - it was almost too much for her to take in.
Not hesitating a moment even to catch her breath, Yoshiko excitedly squeezed past the truck parked out front - a Ford pickup with a gun rack and a Metallica sticker - and made her way onto the patio. She rapped loudly on the aluminum door. A half second later a dog started barking from inside followed by a man's voice,
"God damnit Deliha! Will you shut your stupid dog up?!"
Yoshiko then heard a woman's voice reply, "Don't you yell at me! You know I didn't want that dumb ass dog of yours living here!"
The man's voice again, "Oh never mind I'll do it myself. Come-mere you stupid bitch . . ."
Yoshiko heard a soft "thud" followed by the sound of the dog whimpering.
". . . that'll teach you not to bark at the Goddamn door!"
There was silence for a moment and then the aluminum door opened outward. Standing in the doorway was a fat ugly man wearing a red flannel shirt and ripped blue jeans, "What do you want?"
"Hi, my name is Yoshiko, I am seeking the wise one can answer any question."
"Oh all right. Hey Deliha-"
"WHAT!"
"-there's a woman here who wants to-"
"Can't I watch Judge Judy in peace without you bothering me every two seconds!"
"There's a WOMAN HERE WHO WANTS TO SEE 'THE SACRED ONE'!"
"Oh . . . hold on a sec."
A moment later a woman came to the door dressed in a robe. Pulling the cigarette out of her mouth she motioned and said, "Come in - come in. Make yourself at home."
"Thank you. My name is Yoshiko, I appreciate your hospitality."
The woman said, "Eh, don't worry about it. I'll go grab Hill-Billy, he'll be glad to answer any questions you have."
A minute later a four year old boy severely in need of a bath wandered into the living room.
Yoshiko dropped to her knees and clasped her hands, "Oh Sacred One, I am so happy to see you! Is it true that you can answer any question?"
Hill-Billy grabbed a pair of his dinosaurs off the kitchen table, "Yeah."
"I am so happy! I have so many questions for you Sacred One, I don't even know where to begin!"
"Okay."
"Well, I guess I'll just start at the beginning then, how did the universe come to be?"
Hill-Billy bashed his two dinosaurs together, "God done it."
"Oh I see. It's so obvious now that I take a moment to think about it." Said Yoshiko, "Well what is the origin of life on our planet?"
"God done it."
"Oh, very interesting. I had no idea. Well then how did humanity form?"
"God done it."
"This is so insightful. As you know so much about the natural world perhaps you can answer some philosophical questions I have too. Like, how can our minds understand reality?"
"God done it."
"And how can brains create consciousness."
"God done it."
"Wow, I'm just completely blown away by how knowledgeable you are. I had heard you could answer any question but even I had my doubts. I am so glad the stories are true! And maybe you can even help us make our world a better place. Is there anyway we can get rid of war and violence and disease and death?"
"God's gonna done it."
"What? Really? Oh Sacred One, you have answered all my questions! I can now return to my village and share these amazing answers you have given me. Thank you so much."
"Okay."
And so it was that Yoshiko traveled to the edge of the world and had her deepest questions answered.
It is a meaningless panacea when we invent a god that can do anything and be anything. Because what serves as an answer to every question is an explanation of nothing.
-Matt Dillahunty