Fade Fail: Not as Easy as I'd Like

by Hadriel 34 Replies latest jw experiences

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  Hadriel

  This has been tough. At least for me. Very tough actually. Because I'm so integrated into things including certain tasks which I can't say as it would be a dead giveaway I find myself constantly bombarded by things.

  I'm literally a lying every day. Even though they might shun me I know these people and if you could get some of them to just examine the evidence they'd wake too. They're blinded just like I was is all. Not bad folks.

  So I really hate lying to them when they ask questions or make points about things that I know have been spun, mislead or flat out lied about.

  I can't tell you how incredibly tough it is sometimes.

  I just want to be done with it all and can't due to the weaponization of family and friends. This religion truly is evil in this respect.

  It makes me want to be very evil back at times.
• 

  GrreatTeacher

  "the weaponization of family and friends"

  That phrase is so appropriate. And so true. It's what they do.

  I'm sorry, I know it's tough.
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  Hadriel

  Really really got to me today. The fact that I can't be honest with a single soul I know, I never expected it to be the torment it is.
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  dubstepped

  Sorry man, it's tough. I couldn't keep my mouth shut forever and tipped my hand several times as to my feelings on things. It became a fire in my bones, or whatever Jeremiah said, and it burned me up. I couldn't hold it in anymore. That's just how I'm wired though, but for a long time it was so tough to keep things pent up inside. It honestly wasn't healthy for me. Still, I was able to bide time until I was ready to leave for sure along with my wife.

  You're right in that they aren't bad at their core. However, many people that do really horrible things to other human beings may not be bad at their core. They still hurt others though, and at a point it isn't a matter of good or bad but rather healthy or toxic. I was so happy to leave the toxic environments and the toxic people behind when I DA'd. It was so freeing. We all take our own time for moving on however we choose, whether fading or DA'ing or whatever. In the end though, really good people can be really toxic for us. It hurts a lot, and I can see you hurting. I'm sorry. It is so hard to be inauthentic, and I couldn't keep it up for long. I've never been good at acting.
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  Sabin

  "It make's want to be evil back at times."

  You couldn't have worded it better, they push & push & push until in the end you are left with no choice but to be rude in order to protect yourself. Then they turn it around on you. Hang on in there I bet your doing a lot better than you think.

  The Bastards.
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  Lostwun

  Sabin you accurately describe exactly everything they do. they constantly push push push then find some way to turn it back around on you and make it your fault when you blow a gasket from all their harrasment. bastards indeed!!
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  RichardHaley

  I don't know your circumstances and can only give my personal experience at fading, maybe some of it can help you... or not. I was an elder when I made the decision. I resigned immediately and put it in writing to the boe and the co. I used a legitimate reason, turned in my book and necessary papers at the very beginning of the e meeting and excused myself and left while they were still in shock. After that I didn't hang around with any servants before or after the mtngs. I then stopped commenting at meetings and reduced field service activity. After about 6 months I told the school servant I needed a vacation from the school for a while. Started being irregular in fs and eventually stopped reporting all together. I now occasionally go to a Sunday mtng and that is it. I haven't had much pressure from anyone. All my family is still in and just thinks I am weak. My wife knows the whole scoop and is also waking up. I don't engage in any conversation about jw stuff with anyone, and I am pretty good at changing the subject when necessary. I even work with jws and it has been np. It is amazing how fast they can forget about you. When I feel the urge to say something I don't. Right now my moto is "If you don't promote it you don't have to defend it." Hope things smooth out for you.
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  Lieu

  This is why they promote giving up all your non JW friendships; so you have no one if you decide to leave or simply want to openly express doubts to someone.
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  zeb

  One little thing you can do that no one seems to think of. When you go into the kh sit in a totally different seat than you normally would do. then do it again etc.
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  crazy_flickering_light

  I feel with you. I'm looking for a way to fade, but at the moment: no chance. I can't step down, this will make to much noise. I have make them to kick me for a stupid reason (not enough hours or so). But until today, nothing works. It's so bad.

  You lie, you cheat only to survive all these trash. It's tough.I'm very happy at the moment, I could wake up a friend, or I think so. But only one in a crowd.