I began going for my mother in law and her sister to be able to "show off" the new grandbaby (our daughter) and because my husband seemed to want to go in order to make his mother happy. Innocent enough, I thought at the time. After attending three times, each time I was more bothered, even to the point of feeling repulsed at the act of passing the symbols of the Eucharist , to reject Jesus.I was insulted at the intended low level of audience reading ability the very first time I read a WT and Awake. I was insulted at the way the men would speak to the people in the congregation, as if all were very simple minded people without the ability to reason ( huh, imagine that).
Once I learned that i was automatically counted as an interested one in each year book numbers ( a big fat lie I am sure many of these numbers come from) , and then later learned of my husbands true intent ( converting me after his solemn promise never to attempt to do so,) I will never set foot into a KH again. ( Unless under disguise, and only for some unforeseen mission for information I might embark on.)
The JW memorial season, for me, is sickening. It brings out the cult personality in my husband which is so destructive in our marriage, one held together by a thin thread as it is.
I get weary of the yoyo of emotions I go through when hoping he might be waking up....because I will never know. He is not honest. He will lie to cover up his true feelings. The trust, for me, is gone.
Compound that with his increasing inability to function as a provider in the household. Constantly "forgetting" important business, family, emotional things. .....sigh... Then his reactive behavior anytime he is challenged ( this has nothing to do with any religious topic) he resorts to name calling, threats, and the silent treatment. I don't know whether to believe he is cult brain damaged, or has organic brain damage from his health issues. Extreme, and I do mean extreme, ADD, lack of emotion, lack of rational thinking, explosive anger when challenged, but otherwise refusing to acknowledge the severe financial predicament we are in, the severe marital stress we have. He pretends, and he is good at pretending the old JW " happiest people in the word".
His previous promise that he would be baptized into the JW is still standing, though he stopped studies and stopped going to the hall for years now, he is planning to go to the memorial. I never know when that next shoe will drop . If his cult personality returns in full force, I won't be able to live in the same house with him. But, I never know ...
At least for the past 6 months he is not staying in bed for weeks at a time ( this is literal, not figurative) and it went on for years. Sleep became his "drug of choice" to escape everything. You can imagine what that does to a household income, his health, and the relationship. He began working for his nephew, which actually brings in SOME money compared to the erratic jobs he had in his own business ( Which he is very good at technically, but has NO business sense in order to turn a profit, period.)