“Becoming a cult leader is not as tough as you might think. All it takes is a little charisma and some insecure, feeble-minded followers. The reasons you might wanna become one are many -- it pays well (and all of it tax-exempt), you get lotsa nookie, you can get other people to do your laundry, etc…..
What follows, then, is a set of E-Z instructions by which you can soon amass your own group of pasty-faced, glassy-eyed sycophantic no-hopers who will do your bidding for you.
All you have to be is confident, to the absolute. Once you've established your basic set of core beliefs -- your schtick, as it were -- no matter how ridiculous they may be, entertain no doubts and brook no arguments. They are truth, and by extension so are you. Remember that everyone you meet is, deep inside, like a scrawny branch wavering in the stiff wind of life, just waiting for a big tree to sprout up alongside and protect them. Be that tree….
Keep in mind that it doesn't really matter what tripe you feed your troupe, so long as you feed it to them with unswerving conviction. I read about one guru down in Australia who has nine wives and 69 children, and all he ever preaches to them about is equal rights for women and Hawaiian culture! To paraphrase Elvis, white trash is as white trash does, there's no in-between, you're either with it all the way or you've blown the scene. In other words, try the laundromat. Down at the local suds parlor you'll find oodles of brain-dead scum, Perfect cult fodder. Seek out those who seem to be alone, and those who act like whipped pups…. Use you imagination; think like your potential victims think. Don't rule out ethnics. And above all, remember that no matter how dumb you are, most of the population is even stupider, so almost everyone you meet is worth your consideration...
To truly capture the body you must truly capture the mind, and the first step in doing so is to figure out your mark's weaknesses. Think big -- decide if they're insecure, alienated, feeling unloved, etc. A big fat juicy sucker will most likely exhibit symptoms of all of these and more, and be ripe for the picking….
Whatever your potential followers' needs are, give to them in grand, exaggerated gestures. If they want for food and shelter, provide them with sumptuous meals and a comfortable bed, and make sure they know they can stay as long as they like. If it's love they long for, you cannot possibly show them too much of it, and passing a little pussy their way couldn't hurt, either. If it's spiritual fulfillment they're after, go all-out with the holy-holy routine, and don't rule out speaking in tongues. If lack of self-esteem is the problem, tell them over and over again how good they are, how worthy of being alive. Lie as much as seems necessary, and don't be afraid to pounce on any and every vulnerability they might display. "
Amusing, I thought, and containing elements of truth.
Paraphrased from: